It’s Just Like Riding a Bike.

by statia on July 11, 2017

I guess this is me, getting up on that bike and wobbling around. Man, I used to have it down before my kids decided to turn my brain into soup. Also, no one (except the RSS feed people that still love archaic blogs from the early, nerdy years) remembers this spot, so I can write more freely. Just don’t ask me where I was on the night of the 6th.

The last two or three years have felt very unsteady. No real direction except “I’d like to entertain people, please. Please step up and get your entertainments right here!”

But I was lost. My kids went back to school full time and after years of intensive therapy for the Mini, suddenly I had no direction.

I got sick with Gastroparesis. I now think it was caused by the anti-depressant that saved my life six years ago. You can’t win, can you? You want to not have anxiety? You want to not feel like you have a wet cloak of the most awful feeling you’ve ever felt over you, 24-7? Ok, but you’re going to have to give up eating anything normal. Your choice. I’m hoping that it’ll reverse itself, because chronic nausea is no way to live your life. Though the perk is living in Costco pajama bottoms, which if there were ever a product I would brand for:

via GIPHY

So life got real miserable for awhile. The short version: agoraphobia was starting to happen.

I’m slowly coming out of that fog. Blowing out the morning boogers of my brain for the first time in as many years. Using my brain on more than just “mom autopilot.” It’s a very weird feeling when you had no choice but to dedicate your time to your small children, one specifically with developmental delays. It was never my intent to throw myself into motherhood and have it be the only thing on my plate.

And don’t mistake that last paragraph as any sort of anger or resentment. I harbor none of that. I was happy to do it. It was exhausting and very depressing at times, but I will never look back at that time with regret or sadness. It made us stronger. It made us learn more about ourselves than we ever will.

But at some point, you must take your time back. It is yours and you are owed your own time and you deserve it. Everyone deserves that. It makes you a better person.

The problem was how? I lost my identity and I’m still discovering this new path. And I’m also finding that this path is a little more windy than the last. A few more dead ends. A few alley ways. A lot more doubt.

As for the entertainment part, stupid youtube videos happen now and then. I’ve started taking classes in various forms of media.

Putting my self out there. Putting my feet on the pedals and slowly trying to reclaim my balance. Hoping that while I know I CAN ride this bike, the body is a little more fragile when it falls.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Betty M July 12, 2017 at 1:37 am

Welcome back to this space.

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statia July 12, 2017 at 6:36 pm

Thanks!

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