One of my biggest demons is medication. I really have no other way to put it. There are millions of people on some sort of anti-depressant nowadays, and yet, it’s still a stigma. Honestly, I don’t even really feed into the stigma. Obviously, if I’ve told the internet about it. But my mental anguish about taking medication runs high. Kind of funny, no?
Here’s the thing. I have no judgement whatsoever about other people taking medication. I mean, if you need help, there’s no question. But for me, I feel like it’s a crutch. A band-aid. And not just me, personally, I think that way about everyone. And what I mean, by that, because that sounded like some giant contradiction, is that, the actual medication itself, is just masking a problem, rather than actually fixing it, as a general whole. Because you’re not weak if you need the medication. But it’s a fact that most people don’t actually get the true help they need. They mask it with medication. And I’m not excluding myself from that. Because at one point or another, I’ve done the medication without therapy.
Part of my therapy, was trying to come to terms with needing a medication. I’m not accepting it whole heartedly. I had to go back on medication, which for me, feels like I’m a failure. My defeatist attitude, getting me nowhere, I had to explore why this is such an issue with me. I brought it up one day, in my lovely little group. The therapist explained the whole therapy success by itself. Medication success by itself, and of course, medication plus therapy, together equaling greater success. Studies have been done. I haven’t yet really read up on these studies. I’m trying to take things one day at a time. This was explained on a much more vague level at the hospital. But that fog prevented it from sinking in. Funny, how hearing it from someone with less credentials than a doctor, can make you more accepting of it. Hearing it from doctors, whose sole job is to push medication, is another issue for me.
I’m still struggling with it, but not as much as before. My inner hippie wants to find something that works on balancing out the brain chemicals, more naturally, without the shitty side effects. St. Johns and all of that stuff isn’t really something that works. Maybe at some point, I’ll actually be OK without the aid of a chemical. I’m sure it’ll be after bucket loads of therapy. I guess in the meantime, I’ll swallow that “jagged little pill.”