This is totally not a post about them. But I feel like I should personally thank them, because I use their names a lot. Also? Fucking Christ. Perhaps I shouldn’t say that, not far off from the day we celebrated his birthday, which is actually technically in July or something. Being an Atheist, I’m sketchy on those details, but even I know that Jesus’s birthday wasn’t on the 25th of December. So I’m sure he’ll let it slide. I’ll try to be better during the month of July.
OK, I’m lying. I know I won’t be any better, and let’s not set myself up for failure before the year has even started.
BUT! Anyway. Hi.
Perhaps, there are still people who read here, let’s face it, My updates are sporadic, and after ten years here, I only write when necessary. I’m not exactly expecting neilsen rating type numbers on this space. My plot for world domination fails epically, but then again, I’m kind of lazy about things like writing, keeping people interested, remembering this space exists.
Also, we had a major life event over here, and I’ve found it really difficult to open up to the internet to talk about it. Every time I open up wordpress, I get overwhelmed, and I just walk away. And truthfully, I’m not really sure why I’ve had a hard time, but I have. Maybe it’s partially because I don’t really want the negative attention with it, the pity party, or the connotation with it. But on the other hand, fuck connotations, because I don’t have anything to be ashamed about. Life is messy, and hard, and sometimes, it just gets difficult to deal with. I don’t pretend to live in a happy bubble, and since I DO pay for this space, I don’t want to fill it with fluff. Sometimes I’m snarky and funny, and sometimes I’m not.
And on December 11th, life was not funny, or snarky. Life for me was miserable, and I couldn’t see through the fog to climb my way out. So I tried to hurt myself.
When I think about it now, it’s unfathomable to me. Life obviously hasn’t gotten magically better overnight, and the last month has been one of the hardest times of my life, but I can honestly say that its slowly getting better. And to think about what I did that day, it still knocks the wind out of me. It probably always will.
I can’t say that I know really what I was trying to accomplish that day. It’s all a blur, and it was a blur even as it was happening. I don’t remember much of that day at all, except for being in the emergency room and then getting to the lovely four star resort that I was transferred to. I didn’t take enough to cause any permanent damage. I didn’t need my stomach pumped. I think, what I wanted at that time was help, and comfort, and support. It wasn’t there for me in the manner that I needed it, apparently. That is to say, it’s not that I wasn’t getting support, I just couldn’t see that I was getting support.
The thing about you trying to do damage to yourself purposely, is that it turns your entire life into this upheaval. You don’t just go back to your old life. It changes you. It changes everyone involved. It makes people angry, and leery of you. They don’t know whether or not to believe that you won’t pull something like that again. Even if it was just a cry for help. For some people it isn’t a cry for help.
One of the things that has resonated with me, is the anger. My own anger, other people’s anger. I can see being angry with myself (something I’m learning to let go of, and I am, but it’s obviously not an overnight process. First things first, as my therapist says). I was angry with people for my situation at the time. It wasn’t a blame thing, because really, there’s no one else to blame for something you did, it was just sheer anger over everything. Hot, red, anger. You expect sadness during a time like this. The anger still surprises me. Both my own and other peoples. People are angry at you, and they think that you’re selfish. If there’s one thing that I can shed light on, this isn’t a selfish act. It seems like a selfish act when you’re looking on the outside in. And I’ve been there, dudes. I’ve been on the outside looking in too, and never again will I be tough love with someone in this situation. If there’s one piece of advice I can give to someone dealing with another person who is suicidal, is this: It’s OK to be angry. Your feelings are valid, and you are absolutely entitled to them. But don’t direct them at a person who is kicked while they are down. Most likely they already feel like the shittiest person, and the shell of the person they once were. Get through the tough times, let them clear their head and claw their way out. Revisit what happened when the other person has a clear mind and is in a better place. I’m not saying never get angry. Go punch a baby seal, or save some glass jars and take them behind a building somewhere. Whatever.
I’m not even sure how to end this. It’s taken me three weeks to write this much. Currently, I’m in therapy, and working on incorporating a better balance in my life. It’s hard, even in the best mental state, but I’m finding, not impossible.
Nothing is impossible, no matter how hard it is.