Jesus Mary and Joseph

by statia on January 17, 2012

This is totally not a post about them. But I feel like I should personally thank them, because I use their names a lot.  Also? Fucking Christ. Perhaps I shouldn’t say that, not far off from the day we celebrated his birthday, which is actually technically in July or something.  Being an Atheist, I’m sketchy on those details, but even I know that Jesus’s birthday wasn’t on the 25th of December.  So I’m sure he’ll let it slide. I’ll try to be better during the month of July.

OK, I’m lying. I know I won’t be any better, and let’s not set myself up for failure before the year has even started.

BUT! Anyway. Hi.

Perhaps, there are still people who read here, let’s face it, My updates are sporadic, and after ten years here, I only write when necessary.  I’m not exactly expecting neilsen rating type numbers on this space.  My plot for world domination fails epically, but then again, I’m kind of lazy about things like writing, keeping people interested, remembering this space exists.

Also, we had a major life event over here, and I’ve found it really difficult to open up to the internet to talk about it. Every time I open up wordpress, I get overwhelmed, and I just walk away. And truthfully, I’m not really sure why I’ve had a hard time, but I have. Maybe it’s partially because I don’t really want the negative attention with it, the pity party, or the connotation with it. But on the other hand, fuck connotations, because I don’t have anything to be ashamed about. Life is messy, and hard, and sometimes, it just gets difficult to deal with. I don’t pretend to live in a happy bubble, and since I DO pay for this space, I don’t want to fill it with fluff. Sometimes I’m snarky and funny, and sometimes I’m not.

And on December 11th, life was not funny, or snarky. Life for me was miserable, and I couldn’t see through the fog to climb my way out. So I tried to hurt myself.

When I think about it now, it’s unfathomable to me. Life obviously hasn’t gotten magically better overnight, and the last month has been one of the hardest times of my life, but I can honestly say that its slowly getting better. And to think about what I did that day, it still knocks the wind out of me. It probably always will.

I can’t say that I know really what I was trying to accomplish that day.  It’s all a blur, and it was a blur even as it was happening. I don’t remember much of that day at all, except for being in the emergency room and then getting to the lovely four star resort that I was transferred to. I didn’t take enough to cause any permanent damage. I didn’t need my stomach pumped. I think, what I wanted at that time was help, and comfort, and support. It wasn’t there for me in the manner that I needed it, apparently. That is to say, it’s not that I wasn’t getting support, I just couldn’t see that I was getting support.

The thing about you trying to do damage to yourself purposely, is that it turns your entire life into this upheaval. You don’t just go back to your old life. It changes you. It changes everyone involved. It makes people angry, and leery of you. They don’t know whether or not to believe that you won’t pull something like that again. Even if it was just a cry for help. For some people it isn’t a cry for help.

One of the things that has resonated with me, is the anger.  My own anger, other people’s anger. I can see being angry with myself (something I’m learning to let go of, and I am, but it’s obviously not an overnight process. First things first, as my therapist says). I was angry with people for my situation at the time. It wasn’t a blame thing, because really, there’s no one else to blame for something you did, it was just sheer anger over everything. Hot, red, anger. You expect sadness during a time like this. The anger still surprises me. Both my own and other peoples. People are angry at you, and they think that you’re selfish. If there’s one thing that I can shed light on, this isn’t a selfish act. It seems like a selfish act when you’re looking on the outside in. And I’ve been there, dudes. I’ve been on the outside looking in too, and never again will I be tough love with someone in this situation. If there’s one piece of advice I can give to someone dealing with another person who is suicidal, is this: It’s OK to be angry. Your feelings are valid, and you are absolutely entitled to them. But don’t direct them at a person who is kicked while they are down. Most likely they already feel like the shittiest person, and the shell of the person they once were. Get through the tough times, let them clear their head and claw their way out.  Revisit what happened when the other person has a clear mind and is in a better place. I’m not saying never get angry. Go punch a baby seal, or save some glass jars and take them behind a building somewhere.  Whatever.

I’m not even sure how to end this.  It’s taken me three weeks to write this much.  Currently, I’m in therapy, and working on incorporating a better balance in my life.  It’s hard, even in the best mental state, but I’m finding, not impossible.

Nothing is impossible, no matter how hard it is.

{ 26 comments }

Tracy January 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I’ve been reading your blog for several years, Statia, and I’m happy to hear that you’re safe and getting help. I believe that our kids are around the same ages so I understand the difference between having support and not seeing the support being there. I understand the anger, too. Continue to get well. I’m sending you lots of positive energy.

river January 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I’m also glad you’re safe and getting therapy.
I can also understand how difficult it sometimes is to see the support to the point where you think you aren’t getting any.
I’m not good with showing support in emotional or psychological ways, so my ex often thought I didn’t care, but we talked and I got him to see that the things I DO are the ways in which I support those I love.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo January 17, 2012 at 4:53 pm

The worst part is that it HAS to get to that before people see that you have been holding it together for so long.

Been strong for too long.

Dependable for too long.

That you need to do something drastic for them to see that they are just asking far too much.

Glad you are getting some help my love.

Wendy January 17, 2012 at 5:42 pm

4th!!!!!!!1111111

Good vibes your way, you know? As soon as I finish clubbing my baby seal, I’ll send it your way.

ewe_are_here January 17, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I’m so sad to read this. But I’m really, really glad you’re getting help.

Veronica January 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

I am glad that you’re in a better place, but terribly sad that it had to come to that point.

Really glad you’re okay. Hang in there. x

karen January 17, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Get well! So glad you are still here!

statia January 17, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Thanks everyone. Big smushy hearts to all of you. Well, love hearts. Not actual smushy hearts. Gross.

Kevin Donahue January 17, 2012 at 9:30 pm

I’m glad you wrote this.

Shelly January 17, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Look asshole, you know I love you. I’m not going to pity you and I may kick your ass next time I see you, but I love you just the same. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself.

Tommie January 18, 2012 at 7:08 am

I can’t imagine how hard this was to write nor can I imagine how tough things must have been for so long. I’m so, so glad that you’re getting the help and support you need now, though.

Lisa January 18, 2012 at 10:13 am

Depression is a hard thing to deal with. I’m glad that your attempt didn’t work out. Otherwise I’d have to tell people about meeting you for the first time when you were moving and us dropping your undies on the street for all to see!

Oh, I just told, eh?

Love you.

Tracy January 18, 2012 at 1:10 pm

I am really glad you didn’t succeed.

I understand everyone who is mad at you – having been on that side too. Also, having had someone (my stepkids’ mom) use suicide attempts as a manner of emotional blackmail, can I ask that you just please, please if you have a single ounce of love for your kids, never be that person. Because it really sucks scraping another woman’s kids up off their own emotional floor.

I hope that you and the Mister find your way through this. That’s a hard road to be on, and to recover from.

And I hope that, even though you’re an athiest, you won’t mind me and God having some chats about you. ;-)

Faith January 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm

You really helped me through some rough times, sista. Mostly just stupid, single times when I was feeling lonely and unloved, but still…you were there for me when a lot of other people didn’t know how to be. Even if it WAS just through something as impersonal as a computer screen, you have always felt like a good friend since those days, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

I’ve been where you were on Dec 11th. I can still remember the pain and the shame and the anger I felt that day, like it was yesterday. If you ever need an ear, a shoulder, a boob…whatever it is you prefer to lean on, you just let me know. ::hugs::

T January 18, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Dude. DUDE. Dude!!! I’m so sorry you were going through such a rough time, and how bad it had to be for you to be that stinking low. That super sucks. Stick with your therapy no matter what. You’re worth it. Damn it. And good for you for being able to write this. See how strong you are?

MsPrufrock January 18, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I did wonder what happened around that time – I’m so sorry to hear it was this. I’m glad you’re working on being in a better place, and I’m pleased that you’ve posted here, even if it did take three weeks.

I wanted to add that I totally get what you said about people being leery of you. The Dude has seen me in my very, very darkest place (repeatedly), so it makes him fearful. There are times where he panics if I don’t answer the phone, or he won’t want to leave the house if I’m upset. I get it, but it’s kind of annoying too.

Jill/jadedju January 19, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I have nothing brilliant or different to say, so I’ll just say: I love you, I know about feeling hopeless/depressed, and I am so glad that you are getting the help/support you need. xoxoxox

Katie January 20, 2012 at 4:53 am

I’ve been reading your blog for years… I’m so happy you are OK. Depression is such a hard thing to deal with, says the girl on her own meds. Take care of yourself. Get well.

Shannon January 20, 2012 at 1:51 pm

You are loved and if you need us, there are people for you. Not just weeble wobbles, either.

April January 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Shit. I don’ t know what to really say other than I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this. I’m thankful that you’re o.k. and that you’re working on finding help and a lifeline.

If I can do anything, please let me know.

Sarah January 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I’ve been reading along for years and years (like, 8 years, maybe) and I know I don’t comment very often but I just wanted you to know that you’ve touched lives you don’t even know about. You would be missed, and I’m awfully glad that you are getting help and fighting back. Be well.

electriclady January 20, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I’m sorry you’ve been going through this, and glad you’re finding your way back.

jen January 20, 2012 at 11:45 pm

I’ve been reading you for many, many years. Maybe 10? I don’t think I’ve ever commented but I want to say I’m glad you’re getting help and getting better. I’ve been there, did my stay inpatient in a psych hospital for a week, 5 weeks outpatient, and it changed my life. There are times I get depressed, but I know how to communicate better and acknowledge my feelings in a constructive way thanks to my stay. Just know that there is one more person rooting for you.

Yo-yo Mama January 23, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Fucking Christ is right.

If I was there in person, I’d wrap you up in a big hug and give you a noogie.

Amy January 24, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I somehow missed this when you posted it the other day. Just want to say that I’m glad you’re getting help & your attempt didn’t succeed. Thanks also, for your honesty and willingness to share. I believe that depression is darkness & the only thing that can drive out darkness is light. More darkness will only let it fester and grow. By shining a light on what happened with you, you are causing the darkness to wither in the face of light.

Also, I know we’re not close BFFs or anything even resembling that, but I live & work pretty close to you. I can be there to help out ASAP if ever need be. Seriously.

mel January 25, 2012 at 7:14 pm

dude. *hugs* fuck. Clearly I don’t have the words. at least not the good words. I’m here if you need anything. I’m glad you are doing better. Keep taking care of yourself.

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