Before the Mini was born, we bought a hoity “luxury” SUV, which I apparently named Vulva (Volvo xc90), because I am if nothing, either hilarious, or just trying too hard to be stupid. You can all agree with me, that I am in fact, the latter.
Go on. I’ll wait.
We still have the car. And it’s still in pretty good shape, for going on almost 6 years, which is the longest I’ve ever had a car, and because I like my cars of the luxury-ish variety, is the exact reason why we’ve kept it. Because for one, I am not about to spend a metric assload of money on a car that will have juice spilled in the cracks, crackers ground up in the carpet, and several brands of sneaker tread lining the back of the front seats. This is also why I think that cloth seats in a car, are a particularly bad idea.
We toyed with getting another SUV a few years ago, but decided against it, because I love my car so much, that I knew I’d just turn around and buy the exact same car.
The hubs has an Audi All Road, which is a great car, but, being German and an Audi, every single replacement part, costs approximately as much as my house (I feel as if I like gross exaggerations, here, is anyone else getting that? Personal epiphany) and he refuses to take it into the dealer, because on top of the cost of whatever part needs to be replaced, it costs… wait for it… my entire retirement funds worth of labor. Which means that at times, that car has sat out in the driveway, redneck style, for upwards of a month, so that he could work on it, when the time presented itself. That time, with an infant, and a toddler, and a crazy wife, who never let him leave the house, because if she was stuck in the house, with the kids, for fifteen more minutes, so help her god.
What I’m getting at here, is that while it’s a fine car, it’s just incredibly expensive to maintain, and we’d like to ditch it. We don’t NEED a new car, we just figure, let’s dump it, before it starts to get too old and cause more co-payments in couples therapy.
The mile long list of things that I need in my car, is insane. Because when it comes to new things, I am very picky. Case in point, my laundry list of things I need for a simple stroller. A few things that are a must is:
- Leather seats
- Heated seats – I mean, come on. Winter, people. You expect me to live like a savage?
- Dual climate control – You might not think this is a necessity, but my Nordic husband likes to crank the a/c in the middle of winter. This is not acceptable.
- Second row captains chairs.
- Third row, which is why we need the captains chairs. Because , bench second row + two car seats = a completely useless third row.
- Bluetooth/ USB/Auxiliary - which is pretty much standard on all cars nowadays, but back in ancient times (2005) when we bought our car, that was all high tech hullabaloo.
Ok, the rest probably isn’t totally necessary, I probably just want it, because my shiny always comes in the form of technology.
And you see, there’s this one necessity listed in here, captain’s chairs, and you see what I’m essentially describing here, right?
And we’re not minivan people. We’d no sooner die than purchase one. Yes, I know, they’re easy and convenient, and they have the most awesome features. Every single person has been so gung ho about their minivan and have tried to get us to drink the kool-aid. And you know, it started to make sense. And the next thing I know, I’m thinking, you know, maybe this whole minivan thing isn’t such a bad idea. And it’s just a car, and I need to get over myself. But I could never really get past the hyperventilation and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and the sweats. So I decided to just bite the bullet and test drive one.
People, I test drove A minivan. And you see where this is going right?
Well, you’re fucking wrong, because fuck that shit. I HATED it. We’re getting the highlander.