This just in: I think too much.

by statia on November 15, 2010

A couple of months ago, during one of the Meester’s traveling marathons, I had to cancel an appointment with my therapist.  I told her to call to reschedule, and I never heard back from her.     I was a little miffed, but more like, Ouch.  Fired by my therapist, by way of total silence.  Way uncool.

A month and a half goes by, and I realized, I’m not getting voicemail.

2+2 = Oooooooooooooooh, so she DID call me back.   Oops.

So I call with my proverbial tail between my legs, and made an appointment.  Since I’m no longer medicated and am probably a detriment to society, I figured I should probably talk to someone.

I love my therapist, I do.  I’ve had such shitty luck with therapists, and this one pushes back and constructively criticizes me, without throwing a box of tissues at my head and calling me a “jackwagon.”   Yesterday, she told me that I think too much.   And that the thought of her thinking as much as I do, gives her a headache.   And I told her, sure, that may be true.  But like a born paraplegic, who has never walked, I don’t know any other way.  That is to say, sure it impacts me on some level, but my hell has always been my own.   I would love to be able to turn off my brain and just stare off into space, but the reality is, that if I stared off into space, I’d probably have a fucking anxiety attack, because the thought of space blows my mind and makes me hyperventilate.   I don’t know what “not thinking” is like.   Aren’t people always thinking?

I guess that’s what she means by thinking too much.   I told her, now she knows why I’m two shades away from a Valium addiction.

What do you do to turn your brain off?  I suck at relaxation techniques and yoga.  I’ve accepted that I’m not good at yoga.   People think this is insane, but really it’s OK to not be good at something, without sounding like I’m negative about it.   I harbor no ill will or bitterness towards being bad at yoga.

But how the hell do you make it stop?  Isn’t that called death?

{ 14 comments }

Ms. Pants November 15, 2010 at 1:46 pm

So I guess yellow doesn’t make you sad?

Mamma Pants November 15, 2010 at 1:49 pm

I wake up at 3:00 every morning and immediately try to figure out what to fix for dinner that night (15 hours later). My brain rarely goes off unless I’m asleep. Of course I’ve done some really bizarre, stupid, and self-injuring things so apparently my brain does go off – I just don’t notice it.

Steph November 15, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Drugs… and drugs… and more drugs. I was told I graduated from therapy… think I need to move on to my Masters.

statia November 15, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Yeah, unfortunately, my doctors seem to frown on giving me that lifetime supply of benzos that I keep begging for. sigh.

mel November 15, 2010 at 3:11 pm

eating, which is so not healthy. I’m considering giving blowjobs instead (am I allowed to say that?)

Big Daddy November 15, 2010 at 3:11 pm

I am totally with you on the thinking too much. I actually think when I am sleeping (which isn’t much). It never stops. Arrgh. You are not alone. I think.

donna November 15, 2010 at 4:00 pm

TV, movies and reading usually help me with that. So I might technically be thinking but I’m not thinking about my shit, which makes it easier for me to relax.

Betsy November 15, 2010 at 4:47 pm

I think too much, too. My husband is always telling me that he gets exhausted just listening to my running commentary. I can so relate to this!

Veronica November 15, 2010 at 5:58 pm

No wonder I like you so much, we’re very similar. I’m having panic attacks this morning because I am CERTAIN I’ve forgotten something, but logic tells me I haven’t (I have a calendar for a reason) – the last time I felt like this was a side effect of meds, but I’m not on meds atm, so, what gives?

Anyway. I think too much too. I make up scenarios in my head and plan them out, so if things happen, I already have a script and a plan to work from.

Weird.

lynne November 15, 2010 at 11:15 pm

Heh Heh – Jackwagon is still the best word ever!

I don’t turn my thoughts off so much as take a break from them by reading. Specifically, crap-fiction – if ‘normal’ people love a book because it really made them think, I don’t want anything to do with it. I want bodice ripping or vampires, or bodice ripping vampires. Something that absorbs my interest and allows me to shut out the world for a bit.

Interestingly, I heard Tony Attwood speak last summer and he said it is common for people with autism/asperger’s to use their special interest to shut out obsessive or negative thoughts. Made total sense to me, I couldn’t imagine going a day with out a book, so I stopped using G’s video game interest in the reward/punishment way I had been and now just build in some time for it each day. (while keeping it from taking over his entire day)

jenG November 16, 2010 at 8:35 am

I remember plotting out intricate ways of getting to the living room doorway without touching the floor. If I started on my right foot, though, I’d have to switch feet by the arm of the rocking chair because I’d want to use my right arm to swing from the doorjam into the hallway…

Yeah. Why could I just watch cartoons?!

Yoga doesn’t relax me that much. The part that relaxes me the least is the relaxation bit. Either I make shopping lists in my head (unintentionally) or it starts to work, but all of a sudden I’m fucking freezing, even with a wool blanket, because I have crazy-low blood pressure and I’m afraid to move because there’s no moving and…/relaxation.

It turns out cardio is what I need for brain de-stimulation. If I think too much when I run, I forget to breathe. When I’m not running, like NOW, I’m a wreck and a half.

Amy November 17, 2010 at 2:12 pm

You say you suck at relaxation techniques (I’m assuming you mean meditation?). That’s because they don’t come natural to us. They’re work. It takes me a shitload of tries to do meditation where I’m really, honestly, clearing my brain and meditating and not forcing my thoughts back into nothingness constantly.

Eckhart Tolle writes about how thinking is like an addiction. We become addicted to our thoughts and consequently never stay in the present moment, which is – like you said – our own version of hell. His stuff is real new-agey and out there, but The Power of Now & A New Earth were both life-changing books for me that helped me learn how to meditate and turn off the “thinking mind”.

Mina November 18, 2010 at 1:03 pm

I’m with Lynne. I read crap. Stuff that always has a happy ending. Stuff that will take me away from my own life or brain, whichever it is I need at the time.

Rougie November 23, 2010 at 5:59 am

I love that your therapist told you that your thinking too much gave her a headache. That’s awesome. Also? This is why I don’t meditate or do yoga or anything else remotely zen. I have no capacity to shut off my brain and shut up the voices in my head.

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