Mom’s exercise routine.

by statia on October 18, 2010

I was rushing out the door, as usual.  This seems to be the mother’s exercise routine.  It goes something like this:

You have 15 minutes before you have to make breakfast, get the kids dressed, get yourself dressed, get All Of The Shit in a backpack and get out the door.   Do this with a baby/toddler that refuses to be put down.

  • Find something that both kids won’t bitch about for breakfast.  Shove it in microwave/toaster and deliver it to table.
  • Listen them bitch about it, and eat half of it.
  • Shovel some of it in your mouth before giving the rest to the dog.
  • Grab everything in hopes that you haven’t forgotten something.
  • Strap first child into their car seat (the one that you still haven’t put down because she refuses to be put down), but not before wrestling with them.
  • Strap second child into car seat.
  • Realize you’re sweating profusely.
  • Listen to your child ask you 7 million questions.
  • Get halfway to your destination and realize you’ve forgotten something.  Mutter swear words under your breath.
  • Arrive at school to drop child off at preschool.  Take both kids out of the car, because you can’t leave the baby in the car (did I mention the baby weighs 25 pounds?).
  • Juggle toddler on one hip, back pack, and preschooler.
  • Drop preschooler off and wrestle toddler back into the car
  • Wrestle the toddler six more times while your run errands.
  • Apply more deodorant because you stink
  • Chase baby/toddler around because she refuses to learn how to listen to the word “NO”, or “RED LIGHT STOP!”
  • Find half a cracker on the floor.  Brush it off. Eat it.
  • Repeat the above process when you pick up your preschooler from school.
  • Sweat
  • Give the kids lunch, which they only eat half of.  Shovel crumbs in your maw.
  • Chase both kids around the house for ten minutes before getting them down for a nap.
  • Sweat.
  • Sit down for half an hour to play on facebook  do laundry.
  • Chase them around until dinner, or pretend they don’t exist.  I challenge you to try the latter.
  • Eat a proper dinner
  • BATH TIME (for them, not you, you smelly whore).
  • Sweat
  • Put them to bed and then collapse in a fit of exhaustion, and eat an entire bag of microwave popcorn.

And you wonder why you’re not thinner.  The amount of cardio you do during the day is staggering.

And then you remember, your lovely, tasty arch enemy:  chocolate.

{ 9 comments }

jesser October 18, 2010 at 8:28 am

You forgot “wedge toddler’s brick-like feet into shoes 2 sizes too small because you forgot the ones that fit and those are the only ones in the car.” :P Or maybe that’s just me? And that is why I do not keep chocolate in the house. I cannot be trusted.

Shanna October 18, 2010 at 9:26 am

Yeah, this makes twins look easy. ;-)

Veronica October 18, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Ooooh, yes, fun times. Fun times.

statia October 18, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Jess, seriously, I couldn’t do that with her, because I feel like I’m buying her a pair of shoes every damn week. I did that with him though. I remember him complaining that he didn’t want to wear his shoes. Here I totally didn’t realize it had been like, 6 months since I had gotten him shoes. Ooops.

Reagan October 19, 2010 at 8:15 am

OMG. You are so right. Especially the “toddler who won’t let me put them down” part. Grrr. And the sweating. And the smelling. And, well, everything! And I only have ONE!

Lynn October 19, 2010 at 11:18 am

Yeah, why don’t I lose weight? Might be all those drive-thru’s. And that I’m old. And I think I read that stress makes you hold on to your weight. In which case I should twice what I am.

Faith October 19, 2010 at 2:24 pm

OMG! The sweating! I can only imagine how gross of a mom I would be, if I ever had children. UGH! Ok, add that to the list of reasons why I can’t/shouldn’t be a mom: my level of offensiveness would surely quadruple. ::shudders::

Siera October 19, 2010 at 11:13 pm

I hate days like these… At least your kids eat mine takes half an hour minimum to eat a meal unless he is starving, When he has the concept of time, I might buy an egg timer so he eats within a certain time. At times, I prefer to lug my 30 lb toddler on my hip because he a) walks slow when we’re in a hurry and b) he balks and fights hand holding. And soem days I don’t have the patience it takes him to get from A to B.

kathy nokes October 25, 2010 at 8:33 am

I love you. This is my life as well. Except that I also have a photography studio, and my husband has a rather large business as well, so throw in the phone ringing about 30 times a day, with customers!

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