I was rushing out the door, as usual. This seems to be the mother’s exercise routine. It goes something like this:
You have 15 minutes before you have to make breakfast, get the kids dressed, get yourself dressed, get All Of The Shit in a backpack and get out the door. Do this with a baby/toddler that refuses to be put down.
- Find something that both kids won’t bitch about for breakfast. Shove it in microwave/toaster and deliver it to table.
- Listen them bitch about it, and eat half of it.
- Shovel some of it in your mouth before giving the rest to the dog.
- Grab everything in hopes that you haven’t forgotten something.
- Strap first child into their car seat (the one that you still haven’t put down because she refuses to be put down), but not before wrestling with them.
- Strap second child into car seat.
- Realize you’re sweating profusely.
- Listen to your child ask you 7 million questions.
- Get halfway to your destination and realize you’ve forgotten something. Mutter swear words under your breath.
- Arrive at school to drop child off at preschool. Take both kids out of the car, because you can’t leave the baby in the car (did I mention the baby weighs 25 pounds?).
- Juggle toddler on one hip, back pack, and preschooler.
- Drop preschooler off and wrestle toddler back into the car
- Wrestle the toddler six more times while your run errands.
- Apply more deodorant because you stink
- Chase baby/toddler around because she refuses to learn how to listen to the word “NO”, or “RED LIGHT STOP!”
- Find half a cracker on the floor. Brush it off. Eat it.
- Repeat the above process when you pick up your preschooler from school.
- Give the kids lunch, which they only eat half of. Shovel crumbs in your maw.
- Chase both kids around the house for ten minutes before getting them down for a nap.
- Sit down for half an hour to play on facebook do laundry.
- Chase them around until dinner, or pretend they don’t exist. I challenge you to try the latter.
- Eat a proper dinner
- BATH TIME (for them, not you, you smelly whore).
- Put them to bed and then collapse in a fit of exhaustion, and eat an entire bag of microwave popcorn.
And you wonder why you’re not thinner. The amount of cardio you do during the day is staggering.
And then you remember, your lovely, tasty arch enemy: chocolate.