I recently quit taking my meds, cold turkey. If my doctor should stumble upon this- Hi! See you next month!
I’ve been on various medications, on and off throughout my adult life. I’m OK with that. I think meds are full of awesome, and there are times when life grabs you by the nipples and makes you its bitch. I’ve always had anxiety. But it wasn’t something that I couldn’t handle. Majority of the time, my anxiety was stemmed from some big milestone in my life. Like giving birth. I was a hot bed of post partum depression. I had it with the Mini, mainly because he refused to nap ever. Napping was that child’s kryptonite, much like listening is kryptonite to LG. And probably every toddler? I don’t know. I got one exceptionally easy going one, when it came to listening most of the time. But, I’m getting ahead of myself, here.
When LG was born, I practically had them add some sort of anti-depressant in with my IV bag. Just give me a Judy Garland cocktail, and call it a day.
But at some point, I just get to a point – and there’s always that point, where I just want to stop feeling so god damned numb all the time. Being part German, leaves me little room for emotion, and when the neurons are being fired at with MRI’s, I feel like I’m just a walking shell of a person. Thankfully, my kids are shielded from this, but that only leaves one person to be on the [non]receiving end of my lack of affection, or my joy.
And of course, when I have a problem, my doctor fixes it with yet more medication. This is not her fault. This is her job. But, the hint of desire to maybe take the training wheels off of my skull, makes her leary. So she strongly suggests I stay on it. For my own sanity. To curb the raging anxiety. I decide otherwise, and decided that I had to see. I have to take this chance.
For the record, I’m not a doctor. I don’t recommend you going off your meds cold turkey. I don’t really even recommend just stopping them without your doctors knowledge. I am very stupid, but I also am really in tune with my body. And I knew that it was time.
I’ve heard that Cymbalta was total hell to go off of. A lot like Effexor, which I’ve also had the pleasure of weaning off of. I weaned off of Effexor while pregnant, so, I believe that I get an extra medal for not killing someone while maniacally laughing in their face, and then sobbing over their dead body.
Cymbalta wasn’t as bad as Effexor. I had the brain zaps (which, thank you Regina, for the recommendation of L-Theanine. Love) for about a week and a half, and every now and then, one will still creep in for a split second. I had insatiable hunger. I had nausea. But mostly, I had emotion. Most of it, the black, fiery rage, but at no one in particular (yes, baby, not even you, despite what you think). But I cry at stupid things too, like that stupid Life As We Know It trailer, because oh mah, GOD, what if my precious babies are left without parents and they have to be raised by celebrities that can’t act? What if they forget about me?
Most of all, I’m just happy to be feeling anything. My body is still adjusting and flushing medication out of its system, so I can’t say this is what it’s going to be like, but I feel…I just feel. And I’m happy about that. Even if it’s not a happy emotion.
And, I haven’t had to take Valium in over a week. I would be sad about that, because I loves me some Valium, but there’s something to be said for falling asleep un-aided by any sort of medication. And sleeping soundly without persuasion.