Exit only.

by statia on September 16, 2010

I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this, which if I haven’t, I can’t believe I have never said this, but my no-no hole? Is an exit only. There is no back door action in this house. In fact, if I could, I would have a tattoo put there that says: EXIT ONLY: DO NOT BACK UP AS TREADLES DAMAGE TIRES. But I’m thinking a tattoo on my pooper would probably hurt a lot.

As you can imagine, this disappoints the hubs a lot. I’m not really sure what it is about the men and the back door. But he’s not giving up:

Me: I’d like to get my office moved over and set the guest bed up in my old office today. (We moved most of the toys down to our finished basement, much to Doug’s dismay, as his home office is down there and he didn’t want the kids screaming while he was working. Mama, however, was losing her shit entirely with all of the toys in every.single.corner.of.the.house. I moved my office to our formal living room (which is the biggest bullshit room in the house. Let’s have a really nice room that WE NEVER SIT IN), and put the guest bed upstairs in the spare room. Whew, longest parenthesis ever)

Hubs: It’s going to cost you “relations.” (he says in his cheesiest voice) and…

Me: Oh god NO. Will you just give up the dream? You are not going anywhere NEAR my no-no hole. You should know this by now.

Hubs: But baby…shhh. How do you know you don’t like it if you try?

Me: Never.going.to.happen. Give it up.

Hubs: But baby, I love your velvet Elvis. That’s what I’m totally calling your hole from now on, your velvet Elvis.

Me: I’m not sure if I should be insulted or not. Are you saying I have a fuzzy asshole, or that it’s tacky? Is my asshole tacky?

Hubs: No, I’m simply saying I’m never going to give up the dream. What if it were my dying wish?

Me: I’m saying you would die a disappointed man.


jesser September 16, 2010 at 11:01 am

This is what keeps ‘em coming back for more. Also, you two are perfect for each other. Seriously. ;) Except the whole “velvet elvis” thing. But I don’t blame you on that one …

Mina September 16, 2010 at 11:43 am

I sent this link to my husband so he doesn’t feel like he’s the only one that has to go through these arguements.

Shelly September 16, 2010 at 12:07 pm

This is exactly why I love you so. I knew the moment I saw the title I was going to love this post.

Faith September 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

I’m with you on wondering WTF the deal is with guys wanting to do that! My ex-brother in law once advised me that if I let a guy do me in the ass, I’d have him hooked forever.

Yeah, NOT TRUE. And, if done with the wrong person in the wrong way? It’s also pretty damned uncomfy.

Which was a bonus in the whole situation, really. (/sarcasm)

mace September 16, 2010 at 1:08 pm

I think most guys want it because it something different that they might have never had. I have a friend that really wants to try it, but her husband doesn’t like the idea, so I guess it works both ways. The Wife and I have done it a few times, and it’s really not all that great. I do believe she enjoyed it more than me, so who knows, maybe you would too. I much prefer the front door though.

Old School/New School Mom September 16, 2010 at 1:37 pm

I hear you! Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything. I have hemorrhoids and so that particular activity and I are not aligned.

Tommie September 16, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Ha!! I’m so with you on this one. Exit only!! Not ever going to happen so don’t even ask. My husband has finally given up the dream and doesn’t even bother to hint about it anymore.

Deltus September 16, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Let him do it, and the moment he gets it in, shit on his dick. You’ll crush the dream, and then never have to have this conversation again. Problem solved.

The Hubs September 16, 2010 at 6:41 pm

And then I am coming to your house to wipe my dick on the curtains. :D

statia September 16, 2010 at 9:11 pm

And that’s different from any other day, how?

statia September 16, 2010 at 9:28 pm

@The Hubs, And that’s different from any other day…how, exactly?

Betsy September 17, 2010 at 6:17 am

We have the same argument over here. What the hell IS it with men wanting to go in there? I’ve tried telling him it’s an exit only ramp, but about once a month, it gets brought up. WTH?

Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo September 18, 2010 at 1:18 am

You see, you are totally doing it wrong.

When I first met MPS I was all ‘no back door and I ain’t going bald. You want that shit you find yourself a man, and you want me bald that means you like little girls.’

Scared the shit outta him and he hasn’t brought it up since.

statia September 18, 2010 at 7:23 am

Yeah, see, that totally would not work with the hubs. He’s a warped person. Not that he’s into little girls and men, he just has an answer for everything. So it would be a lost cause.

Rougie September 18, 2010 at 7:58 pm

Never let a man up your no-no hole. The only result will be your shitting blood for a week. Also? I don’t get why all men are obsessed with it? I think I’ve said too much.

Siera September 19, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Never expected to see this in blog land. Haha. I told my man Exit-only. He still has hope but there is no hope for him in that regards.

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