I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this, which if I haven’t, I can’t believe I have never said this, but my no-no hole? Is an exit only. There is no back door action in this house. In fact, if I could, I would have a tattoo put there that says: EXIT ONLY: DO NOT BACK UP AS TREADLES DAMAGE TIRES. But I’m thinking a tattoo on my pooper would probably hurt a lot.
As you can imagine, this disappoints the hubs a lot. I’m not really sure what it is about the men and the back door. But he’s not giving up:
Me: I’d like to get my office moved over and set the guest bed up in my old office today. (We moved most of the toys down to our finished basement, much to Doug’s dismay, as his home office is down there and he didn’t want the kids screaming while he was working. Mama, however, was losing her shit entirely with all of the toys in every.single.corner.of.the.house. I moved my office to our formal living room (which is the biggest bullshit room in the house. Let’s have a really nice room that WE NEVER SIT IN), and put the guest bed upstairs in the spare room. Whew, longest parenthesis ever)
Hubs: It’s going to cost you “relations.” (he says in his cheesiest voice) and…
Me: Oh god NO. Will you just give up the dream? You are not going anywhere NEAR my no-no hole. You should know this by now.
Hubs: But baby…shhh. How do you know you don’t like it if you try?
Me: Never.going.to.happen. Give it up.
Hubs: But baby, I love your velvet Elvis. That’s what I’m totally calling your hole from now on, your velvet Elvis.
Me: I’m not sure if I should be insulted or not. Are you saying I have a fuzzy asshole, or that it’s tacky? Is my asshole tacky?
Hubs: No, I’m simply saying I’m never going to give up the dream. What if it were my dying wish?
Me: I’m saying you would die a disappointed man.