Fantasy vs. Reality

by statia on August 23, 2010

I’ve been reading a lot lately, about how bloggers shield a good portion of their personal lives, in order for them to be attractive to vendors and advertisers.   Now, while I do censor myself a bit,  just in the realm of respect for my family, and also, to not give the satisfaction to certain others who may try to read between the lines, what isn’t really there, I keep it on the lighter side.  But, never do I pretend that things are all sunshine and roses. I mean, hello?  I bitch about my husband’s lack of skill in the snack freshness department.   I’ll often talk about the douchebaggery that is toddler/preschool-hood (see: three year olds are bullshit), the fact that I’m in love with pills, Judy Garland style (and in my defense, yes, I LOVE them, but I don’t sit around in a Valium haze all day), and I will never pass up the opportunity to tell you how much of an idiot or jackass I am.

But that said, I feel like I mislead you.  Sure, you all know I’m an anxiety riddled mess, whose brain is twitchy when things aren’t orderly.   You see, my house?  I am not June Cleaver (though, I so WANT to be June Cleaver, because that woman knew how to get shit done, and still was able to put a roast on the table at the end of the day).   So, I wanted to give you a little home tour.  What I want you to think it looks like, vs. the grim reality.

Mini’s Room: What I want you to think it looks like: (all are clickable to make bigger,  if you really want to go over my neatness skills with a fine toothed comb, you sadistic asshole)


What it probably looks like:


LG’s Room: What I want you to think it looks like:


What it probably looks like:


My bathroom:  What I want you to think it looks like:


What it probably looks like  (actually, it probably looks worse than this):


The family room:  What I want you to think it looks like:


What it most certainly almost always, 99% of the time, looks like:


Not pictured: my office, which usually has books all over the floor, along with other random odds and ends that have no place.  Like, headbands, an empty bottle of shampoo, the outline to a set of Rainbow Brite magnets, and an empty bottle of vitamin water, that no matter how many times I throw away, always ends up on the floor in the house somewhere.   Also not pictured are all hallways that usually have rogue toys thrown wherever they seem to look good, along with copious amounts of dog hair.   My bedroom, and my living room and dining room, which only contain bare bones essentials and are gated off.  That doesn’t stop the dust from piling up in there, though.

So there you have it.  My OCD tendencies are burning and screaming inside my brain.   My house never looked like this before kids, and I know you’re thinking “hello asshole, what did you expect when you HAD KIDS?”  I never said I was bright, dudes.

And now, since you know the truth, I want to see a home tour.  A home tour of what your house is REALLY like, and so help me god, if your house is immaculate like June Cleaver, I’m going to shank you.


Katie August 23, 2010 at 3:46 pm

My only question is this, Who actually bought the drums for the kids? LOL! I was an evil aunt one day, when my brother pissed me the fuck off and I bought the nephew drums.

It pleased me, greatly. But one day, they tossed them out. LOL.

Staz August 23, 2010 at 3:54 pm

You are so on. With six pets, you can’t even fathom the Pet Hair Hell we live in. Seriously.

Ms. Pants August 23, 2010 at 4:08 pm

1) I spy a The Tool in the bathroom. Woo!
2) No way in fucking HELL am I giving carte blanche to my messiness.
3) If my mother shows you their house, you will kill yourself in shame. (Which is why she hasn’t set foot in my apartment in several years.)

Shelly August 23, 2010 at 5:07 pm

I love this post. LOVE IT! I’ll try to comply soon.

Melissa August 23, 2010 at 9:10 pm

I am SO glad you posted this. I don’t have a blog but I’ve been wanting to share how my house is a disaster and how I CANNOT stand it. My house was NEVER messy and always clean before kids. It’s half way put together right now but trust me, as soon as the kids rip it apart (by the weekend I’m sure). I will be more than happy to share!

Momnivore's Dilemma August 23, 2010 at 9:13 pm

Your after pics look my before. I just photographed my house as is. Pretty damn funny…

Steff August 23, 2010 at 9:43 pm

How shall i proceed to complete this assignment without a blog? Email version ok with you?

bitca August 23, 2010 at 10:25 pm

Dude. I am regularly one drunken and half-dressed redneck running around my backyard from a COPS episode in my house. But, you know that already.

jesser August 24, 2010 at 12:02 am

I love this. I should do a similar post. My house is constantly a wreck. Our cleaning people show up on Tuesday mornings and it is TRASHED by bedtime that night (if we aren’t at home, I mean, otherwise, about 3 minutes after I bring the kids home). The only room I almost always have neat is the kitchen … cuz we cook a lot and dried on food rotting in the sink is gross. I’m messy, not filthy, yo. ;) I’m too lazy/tired to go take pictures now, but I will do so tomorrow if I remember (without cleaning, duh).

Ferg_e August 24, 2010 at 12:31 am

HOLY SHIT! I’m supposed to be holding back some of my personal crap…. I wish someone had shared this info with me sooner!


Veronica August 24, 2010 at 3:27 am

This is an old post (2 and a half years) but the house looks like this most days now anyway.

Rougie August 24, 2010 at 4:48 am

Um…I don’t have kids and I am beyond OCD so my house is actually pretty clean other than the excessive amounts of cat hair which build up on every surface. In fact, there is so much hair I have been thinking of weaving a coat. Would you like?

Shannon August 24, 2010 at 9:41 am

What amuses me most is beside the Mini’s bed in the “uber-clean” photo on the nightstand is what could either be Mace, or a can of Right Guard, because a kid can never have too much anti-persperant/personal protection.

PaintingChef August 24, 2010 at 10:02 am

Okay. THIS? Is awesome. I’m going to do this also. Although I guess I’ll have to have company over sometime soon so that I’ll have the pictures of what I want you to think my house looks like. That’s the only time my house ever gets cleaned… when we are having company… PLEASE tell me I’m not alone on that one…?

Melissa August 24, 2010 at 10:17 am

I think what you are looking at is his sippy cup for night time. Just a guess though.

royann August 24, 2010 at 10:18 am

You made this messy moms day. My house is considered picked up when it looks like the after photos. The dog hair piles up in drifts no matter how often I swiffer, sweep and vacuum. I recently met a neighbor with kids the same age as mine and there is no way I’ll be hosting a play date soon. I have enough time to keep the kitchen clean, and everyone happy and fed on a daily basis that’s about it. I’d give up all gift giving occasions just to have a cleaning service come once a month.

Betsy August 24, 2010 at 1:59 pm

I love this idea. Although I’m in the midst of painting each room so things are even more chaotic than usual. Also, is the Mini a Sox fan? Go Sox!

Tommie August 24, 2010 at 2:54 pm

We moved into our new house less than two weeks ago and ALREADY my children have trashed it. Of course, I have to take some of the blame. I haven’t vacuumed in over a week and I am the one who keeps dragging box after box of toys just so I can finish cooking dinner or watch one more episode of season 7 of Star Trek: Voyage, one or the other. But yeah, I’m up for doing a pictoral of our house. Soon…

Kathy August 25, 2010 at 11:41 am

Dude you have a lot of fucking toys. And what sick, twisted, asshole bought a 3 year old DRUMS? Maybe get him a MegaPhone too… you know, because 3 year olds can’t make enough annoying noise without aides.

statia August 25, 2010 at 8:49 pm

That sick, twisted asshole would be me, and you shut your yap about the toys, HAW. I’ve seen your house.

Mary @ Holy Mackerel August 25, 2010 at 2:42 pm

OH MY GOD!! THANK YOU for posting this!! I am NOT alone!!!! You brave woman, you!

Shanna August 25, 2010 at 10:13 pm

I don’t think any room in my home was or will ever be neat enough for one of those Fantasy pictures. Even pre-kids. We are packrat slobs. Seriously, cooking dinner is an athletic event, what with all the juggling and hopping over obstacles. And it’s a miracle the kids don’t kill themselves buzzing into our room in the mornings – there is a veritable minefield of half-empty boxes and dirty laundry.

Meredith August 31, 2010 at 9:23 pm

I was just thinking “I wonder why Statia hasn’t posted in so long….” It turns out that rather than you not posting, Bloglines hasn’t been picking up updates to the feed. Go figure. Anyway, I am all caught up now, and loving this post. I should post photos of our “real” house too…but I’m kind of scared. That’s why I try to stick to outdoor scenery since it doesn’t get (as) messy.

Lisa September 3, 2010 at 8:31 pm

Thank you so much for reminding me that I am not the only one! I can not count how many times we have stepped, barefoot, on a lego or some other toy strewn about and screamed in pain! We can safely walk only in the center of the rooms!

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