Remember how when you were a kid, your birthday was like another holiday you looked forward to? Your first birthday memory, was probably about five or six. Something like that. My memory? It sucks, so I don’t remember much about what I got for my fifth or sixth birthday. I should probably stop drinking so much and taking so many pills, huh?
But seriously, here’s a brief breakdown of your birthday, through the years.
5 years old: Your first bike, or maybe a doll house, or a big fuck off action figure set if you’re a boy.
10 years old: A new bike (I believe I got my first ten speed when I was 8 or 9, or something. For my tenth birthday, I remember getting one of these, which I HAD TO HAVE, please daddy pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese? I think I played with it like six times and then gave up, because I couldn’t get it to do tricks. Typical fucking cat.
16 years old: If you had a cool and awesome parent, you got a new/used car. If you had a crappy parent, you got a bus pass. It was at this point that I usually just asked for money for my birthday to go buy the clothes I wanted, because my mother gave up even trying to buy me clothes, lest she watch me die of embarrassment.
20 years old: Again, money, this time, usually for trying to purchase beer.
25 years old: Now we’re getting into the years where you might be dating someone, or maybe you’re married. If you’re newly dating or married, things are still mushy mushy, so you get jewelry, and flowers and the royal birthday treatment.
At some point in your life, you buy a house, or maybe you have kids. Then your birthday, becomes a day where all you ask for is to make it through the day without much blunt head force trauma, and maybe a nice meal at Applebees. Your birthday becomes about getting stuff done around the house. And now on top of the fact that you’re getting older and have to do responsible adult things, your birthday sucks even more because instead of a cute pair of shoes and a nice handbag to go with your spa day, instead, you’re paying $3300 bucks to have a retaining wall put in, and you’re actually excited about it. Happy Birthday, here’s a pile of rocks.
Birthday’s might get more expensive over the years, but it’s not on bling. It’s on yard work.