Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they’ll stop laughing.

by statia on February 1, 2010

So, after you all were kind enough to be honest with me, and tell me that your kids are assholes too, I figured I’d move onto something lighter.   Something as light as air.  And since I got a request from one of my best girls, I figured this is a fitting subject to her request.

I’m talking about farting.   I’m obviously not one of those girls who believes that girls don’t fart.  It’s just not physically possible to not have gas.  I mean, unless you had no internal organs.   At which point, I believe that’s called death.

We have these friends, see,  They’re good friends.   Whenever we get together, it’s always a roaring good time.  We laugh a lot.  No topic is sacred.   It’s just great.

But I have this problem.

Whenever we get together, we always play a game.  It’s called “The meal is not over when you’re full. The meal is over when you hate yourself.”  -Louis CK This is usually followed by a bit of drinking.  And we’re like dogs.  Leave a bag of food out, and we’ll eat until we burst.  And because of this little game we INSIST on playing every time, It leaves me feeling a bit… gassy.   And I always feel embarrassed.  Do I just let it rip?  Do I tell them and THEN let it rip?  Do I just keep on repeatedly excuse myself and then go off somewhere and crop dust?  OR, do I just do the ‘ol “pull my finger” routine and hope they find that classic comedic gem so funny, that they don’t even notice that I actually have to pass gas.   You see my dilemma here.

And I’m not really sure how to break this news to them.  ”uh, yeah, we can’t hang out anymore, because you make me fart.”

Oh, crap.  They read this blog.

{ 13 comments }

Ms. Pants February 1, 2010 at 5:28 pm

MOTHER, THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR PLACE TO BREAK OUT THAT STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO TYPE!!! THE TIME AND PLACE FOR THAT IS: NEVER. SO SHUT IT OR I’M GOING TO SEND YOU TO THE BAD-HOME WITH THE SMELL.

Sorry… just had to head that one off there….

Mamma Pants February 2, 2010 at 3:27 pm

I coulda done this long before you even read the blog. But I didn’t cuz I’m such a great mom. and live in fear of your reprisals.

Ms. Pants February 2, 2010 at 5:09 pm

:-p

Shanna February 1, 2010 at 7:50 pm

“Oh, crap. They read this blog.”

I think you just solved your problem. :)

Shelly February 1, 2010 at 8:12 pm

I’m a tooter. I always have been. The older I get, the less I care who knows it. I mean, I have discretion and I’m not vulgar, but dude, everyone farts. Perhaps your friends are holding back on you, too.

statia February 1, 2010 at 8:13 pm

Oh, I’m pretty sure they are. In fact, I bet Buzz has farted on my sofa.

Empress February 1, 2010 at 9:39 pm

Duuuuude. Seriously!

(I guarantee that Buzz has never farted on your sofa. In fact, he has never farted on MY sofa. The man is incapable.)

The farting is a bit of a problem. I believe it is natural, too, but how do you deal with that when you live with a man who is incapable?

How? Beano. That’s how. LOTS of Beano.

Donna February 1, 2010 at 11:09 pm

In the last few years I have started farting out loud. Previously I was able to do those silent ones, and they didn’t really smell that bad either, but hit the big 4-0 and BINGO, all bets are off. Beano works a little, acidopholus works a little, nothing works completely. Join the freaking club.

Ness at Drovers Run February 2, 2010 at 3:55 am

Oh hey – my husband always says that if I could bottle my flatulence that we’d become rich. Because we could sell it as weapons grade biological gas.

It’s so bad that he’s actually proud of my skills.

Men!

buzz February 2, 2010 at 6:28 am

Seriously, with all of the other issues that the four of us have to deal with (emotional, physical, psychological) this is really just a nit. Oh and also? You fart while we’re there??? GROSS! What on earth is wrong wit….ooh, pizza! Yes I’ll have some. Red Velvet Cake? End piece, please. What? The Meester made sushi? Send some this way!! Wy, yes, I will have a fourth mojito. Thank you so much.

*ERP*

Now what were we talking about again?

Mandy February 2, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Well this is way TMI, but ever since having my beautiful baby girl and experiencing a 3rd degree tear in the process, I find it much more difficult to…um…hold it in? Which has led to a couple of embarassing moments, but has also made me realize that people are more understanding than you give them credit for. (who knows what they’re saying behind my back…)

Jen February 3, 2010 at 9:46 am

I say.. let it rip! Hahaa. But I am vulgar like that sometimes. I mean, if you cannot fart around your bestest buds, then who CAN you fart around?

:)

PiquantMolly February 3, 2010 at 6:16 pm

My sister has never farted in front of her husband. Who ARE these people??!!

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