Maybe some bacon soap for his stocking

by statia on December 23, 2009



I’m so not in the mood for Christmas this year.  I feel like I say that every year and you’d think with kids, I’d be all YAY CHRISTMAS.  But come on, babies don’t care, and the Mini’s sensory issues don’t really lend to him really digging presents, and he gets overwhelmed with them really easily.  On top of being a toddler.  A day spent getting 8,000 new toys is sensory enough for even the most “normal” of toddlers.

I got most of my shopping done, save for one person.  My father.  My father is a bit of an odd duck.  First of all, he’s one of those people that will go out weeks before Christmas and buy himself everything he’s ever wanted, leaving the rest of us to stand in front of the #4 bus that he just threw us under.   Let’s all thank your father, kids.

So I asked my mother what he wanted for Christmas, and the answer?  ’A nightgown. ”

“A fucking nightgown?  Like, one of those flannel numbers that old ladies wear, with the pretty flowers?   Or like, one of those big over-sized t-shirts with funny expressions on them, like “who farted?” or two reindeer humping?”

“No, like one of those long sleeve cotton numbers like Dickens wore in A Christmas Carol. ”

Does he want the stocking cap to go with it?”

“No, but make sure it’s long enough to cover everything up.  We’re old now and anything he’s got to show off is not attractive.”

I shit you not, my mother actually said that.

So I look high and low for a man’s nightgown and surprise surprise, they are nearly impossible to find.   My father is a rare breed, I will tell you that.

So now I have to go out and find some sort of alternative.   So far, I’ve gotten him the Patron Saint of Bacon.  Because the man needs all the help he can get keeping his bacon from getting lost.

So far, here are my ideas:



Bacon Vodka

A golf shirt (too bad they didn’t make one with an embroidered piece of bacon on the pocket).

Any ideas?


Ms. Pants December 23, 2009 at 5:22 pm

See, you mention your dad and all I can think is the story you told about your friend running into your dad in his underwear without his hair on.

Ssfb December 23, 2009 at 7:20 pm

Well I just stopped at the liqour store today and got my dad a bottle of grey goose so clearly I’ve got no suggestions…

statia December 23, 2009 at 9:57 pm

I picked him up some Belvedere. I’ll probably get him something else. It won’t be a nightgown.

Regina Heater December 23, 2009 at 10:18 pm

Vermont Country Store has men’s nightshirts, though I’m not sure they are of the Dickens type.

My dad buys his own presents, too, although he’ll also supply us with the model numbers of specific gifts he wants. I just finished wrapping some presents, and he’s got about sixty jillion under the tree right now. I’m tempted to go buy some presents for myself tomorrow just so I can compete.

Yo-yo Mama December 23, 2009 at 11:19 pm

We’re getting my dad a subscription to Sirius Radio. This way he can listen to the farmer markets from all the a.m. stations across the U.S.

Did you check Lands End or LLBean?

statia December 24, 2009 at 2:40 pm

I did, and they didn’t have anything. I thought maybe I’d even find something in Sears or Macy’s, but no such luck. He’ll have to settle for a golf sweater set, vodka, and golf balls. He won’t be unhappy.

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