Hey, anyone up for slitting their wrists?

by statia on September 5, 2008

When I finally got pregnant, after the initial shock wore off, I was elated of course.  And even though I spent most of my pregnancy in complete denial that I was going to end up taking home a live baby in the end, I knew I was going to end up hating pregnancy.  I don’t know if you remember, but I did not make for a happy pregnant woman at all.  I pretty much reminded the Meester on a daily basis to beat me senseless if I ever wanted to do it again.  I don’t even think I had a bad pregnancy.  Painful, yes, but overall, it was not bad.

So imagine my surprise when I started to feel hot jealous rage upon hearing about people getting pregnant.  I really never thought I’d be as affected by it as I am.

It’s hard to hold a woman to anything she says during pregnancy.  Especially beating her senseless when she mentions doing it again.  The minute he was born, I understood how people could do it again?  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I remained firm on my “I don’t want another kid” stance until around the nine month mark, and then the thoughts started to creep in.  Maybe I do want another, and while I still remember how miserable I was during my gestating days, I still would do it again.  But I was largely on the fence for a very long time, with the gate swinging in the breeze on a daily basis.  “Yes, err, no.  Maybe, yes, NOOOOOOOOOOO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!”   And of course as time went on, and as more people started to announce their pregnancy, I realized I’d be losing out if I didn’t at least try.

The drawbacks to this, are that, I’m not one of those infertiles who would just wake up to a surprise pregnancy.  Much as I’d love to believe in miracles, it just wouldn’t happen.  A. I’m not that lucky and B. There’s too many factors at stake to prevent it from happening.  And also, the bigger drawback is that the Meester leaves it open with a maybe, but maybe with a leaning towards no.   It’s kind of hard to compromise on that.  One person is going to be disappointed.

We’ve been hit with a lot regarding the Mini, and while we’ve made huge strides, we’re not out of the woods yet.  He’s an intense kid, and a lot of time it’s emotionally draining.  There are days where I feel as if there is no way that I have even an ounce of patience left (in the words of one of my good friends on the left coast: “you signed up for parenthood, not pussyhood.”) and how on earth could I possibly add another child to that.  Maybe it would be beneficial to him, but of course, that’s just not something to take lightly.  And believe me I don’t.  The thought of two kids (if we were even so lucky) scares the ever living daylights out of me.  But deep down, no matter how emotionally draining IVF is, I’d really regret at least not giving it another shot.

See?  I told you, depressing.

{ 12 comments }

Jenn September 5, 2008 at 2:43 am

Sucks when this is depressing. It’s supposed to be a happy decision.

donna September 5, 2008 at 3:36 am

I’m right there with you. While no doctor has ever told me that there is no way I’d ever conceive on my own, I think the planets would have to align in just the right way to make it happen. So I know what I’d be in for if we ever decided to try it again. And my husband is quite firmly on the no side of the fence. And then I often wonder if I really want another child or just another baby? Because toddlerhood is so hard on me, I’m looking forward to this stage being over.

Tonya September 5, 2008 at 4:53 am

While I am fortunate to not have the added IVF flayvah, I also really do not do pregnancy well. And if I could get pg again, would it stick is also a crapshoot.

But do I want another? I SO do. My hubby doesn’t. I don’t know if it will ever happen, and I am really bitter about that.

At least I can vouch for how much better my life is after having Tiny Boy. It is almost indescribable how well he balances me out as a parent. One child is really freaking hard, the other is amazingly easy-peesy. He fills me up, the other drains me (as much as I love her, but with her issues….). I’d even be willing to take the chance of having a second spirited child to add to our family; and that’s saying a LOT.

Thinking of you, and wishing it was easier.

tuesday September 5, 2008 at 12:49 pm

Perhaps you can compromise on a certain amount of IVF treatments before you stop at one child?

I had good, easy pregnancies btu still, that is a looonng 9 months. Maybe when the mini is older and in school a couple of days a week it would be better for you, because everyone needs a break even from their own child.

Mina September 5, 2008 at 1:04 pm

To be honest, my feelings completely mirror yours.

While I may not have the infertility issue, I do have the issue of knowing the next time I get pregnant, I’ll be considered a Diabetic getting pregnant. I can always say the first time “I didn’t know how dangerous it could be”. I can’t say that this next time.

A part of me feels blessed with how things turned out okay with Z and I shouldn’t risk it again. But another part of me knows I really have to try. Not just for my sake but for the whole family’s sake.

electriclady September 5, 2008 at 2:34 pm

Right there with you, sister.

Helen September 5, 2008 at 5:52 pm

You’re not alone, honey bunny. I’m right there, too. While a huge part of me would looooooove to have another baby (or, believe it or not, another set of twins) I remember how much I hated pregnancy (and I remember the 5 rounds of IVF, too). More than that, our relationship would end with more kids, I am sure about that. And there are times when I look around and think: This is perfect. I wouldn’t want to add to it because it’s so perfectt. And there are other times when I think: Now that I know what I know, I want to have another chance again, I want to do x more, I would do y more with another baby.

I’m just as torn as you are. And it is depressing, and it is hard, and even though you and I have different options, I’m betting that fence is beginning to really chafe.

Love you, babe. Just so’s you know.

robyn September 6, 2008 at 3:16 am

I wish I’d had the choice for my baby not to still be a baby when I had another baby. (Believe it or not, Mini is now about a month older than N was when T was born.) But it’s hard to say that as long as we tried and all the obstacles we had to even have the first. It’s never easy, no matter what side of the fence you’re standing on at the time.

Heather September 8, 2008 at 1:21 pm

We are in the same boat as you, kind of. We knew we would want another one, but the thought of IVF again is well, I don’t know because I am totally in denial. We started “trying” a few months ago and I told myself that we would try untill the end of the summer…..here we are. I guess I’ve got one more 2WW and off to the RE…..ugh.

motel manager September 8, 2008 at 9:55 pm

I hear you. We did know we wanted two, and then I felt kind of forced into the timing of it all (in a way, it was nice to have that taken out of our hands), but it was all still so complex in terms of the emotions. One thing I don’t know if I mentioned on my blog or not is that I didn’t even WANT to try the old-fashioned way first — somehow the thought of all of those inevitable BFNs was more stressful to me than jumping right into an FET. Infertility does strange things to us.

Dania September 9, 2008 at 7:25 pm

I said to myself after K&D that I would never, never NEVER have anymore kids.

Scary thing is this one was planned, I think both of us were drunk (or high) when we thought having a baby was a good idea.

I’m going to have a “nameless” girl in the beginning of December, and i’m scared shitless…and i’ve done this before TWICE! ha! OMG the pain…I need a spinal block just thinking about it.

Margi November 9, 2008 at 8:58 pm

Believe it or not, I think that feeling is completely natural. Hell, I’m going to be a lot older than you (FSKING 44!) my next birthday and I’d do it again to give Babylove a playmate if I could.

And the whole planet is populated with people who were born despite the fact that daddies say they don’t want any more kids.

*HINT* If you really meant that, darling, you’d stop shagging me, right?

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