When I finally got pregnant, after the initial shock wore off, I was elated of course. And even though I spent most of my pregnancy in complete denial that I was going to end up taking home a live baby in the end, I knew I was going to end up hating pregnancy. I don’t know if you remember, but I did not make for a happy pregnant woman at all. I pretty much reminded the Meester on a daily basis to beat me senseless if I ever wanted to do it again. I don’t even think I had a bad pregnancy. Painful, yes, but overall, it was not bad.
So imagine my surprise when I started to feel hot jealous rage upon hearing about people getting pregnant. I really never thought I’d be as affected by it as I am.
It’s hard to hold a woman to anything she says during pregnancy. Especially beating her senseless when she mentions doing it again. The minute he was born, I understood how people could do it again? Now, don’t get me wrong. I remained firm on my “I don’t want another kid” stance until around the nine month mark, and then the thoughts started to creep in. Maybe I do want another, and while I still remember how miserable I was during my gestating days, I still would do it again. But I was largely on the fence for a very long time, with the gate swinging in the breeze on a daily basis. “Yes, err, no. Maybe, yes, NOOOOOOOOOOO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!” And of course as time went on, and as more people started to announce their pregnancy, I realized I’d be losing out if I didn’t at least try.
The drawbacks to this, are that, I’m not one of those infertiles who would just wake up to a surprise pregnancy. Much as I’d love to believe in miracles, it just wouldn’t happen. A. I’m not that lucky and B. There’s too many factors at stake to prevent it from happening. And also, the bigger drawback is that the Meester leaves it open with a maybe, but maybe with a leaning towards no. It’s kind of hard to compromise on that. One person is going to be disappointed.
We’ve been hit with a lot regarding the Mini, and while we’ve made huge strides, we’re not out of the woods yet. He’s an intense kid, and a lot of time it’s emotionally draining. There are days where I feel as if there is no way that I have even an ounce of patience left (in the words of one of my good friends on the left coast: “you signed up for parenthood, not pussyhood.”) and how on earth could I possibly add another child to that. Maybe it would be beneficial to him, but of course, that’s just not something to take lightly. And believe me I don’t. The thought of two kids (if we were even so lucky) scares the ever living daylights out of me. But deep down, no matter how emotionally draining IVF is, I’d really regret at least not giving it another shot.
See? I told you, depressing.