The holy grail of asshole

by statia on March 26, 2008

I haven’t really talked much about infertility since the Mini was born. Now that I’m not in the throes of it, I feel like, I don’t really have much to add. I will and will always be an infertile, it’s just who I am. And I try to remember that.

Except when I don’t.

I was at the mall last week with what we’ve affectionately dubbed “the swim team.” A few of us have become close as we’ve taken many of the same classes and our kids are weeks apart. We were talking about having more kids, infertility (both of them got pregnant easily, but it was just a general conversation), i.e. me explaining the detailed process, right down to the emotional whiplash I suffered as a result. How angry and bitter I was for so long. As we were walking along, one of them said something about wanting at least four, at which I ribbed that she had probably better get busy on that. I should note that I said this, completely forgetting that she had a miscarriage a couple of months ago.

I immediately grabbed the ketchup so that I could swallow my foot easier.

I try not to act like just because I have a baby now, that things are magically better and that I have the right to be an asshole and say stupid things to people. Sure the pain has faded a little, but seeing pregnant women still makes me wince, and I can never forget the pain of stabbing myself with a thousand needles, feeling hopeless, while I rolled the dice to see if I was going to win at, for lack of a better word, craps. At the time, that’s how I felt. And not a day goes by that I’m not amazed that this cheeky, button pushing, limit testing child, is actually mine. That I was actually able to pull off pregnancy.

I sent her an email apologizing that night because, the asshole move I pulled was eating at me. Not only did I not offend her, but it didn’t even register on her radar. But it made me feel better anyway.

But here’s something that really and truly surprised me out of all of this. When I was pregnant, and for a long time after, you couldn’t have paid me to have another. Would I have gone back and done it all again to have the Mini? Absolutely. Every last second, even the ones that were miserable. (Hey kid, if you ever stumble upon this blog, remember that), and in the last few months, something changed. I still don’t miss pregnancy, and I don’t think I will. I just don’t make a good pregnant person. But, someone must have slipped crack in my maple yogurt, because dare I say, I would even go through IVF again to have another. Not multiple times. I’d have to hang my hat up if it didn’t work, but I would be remiss if I didn’t at least try. The caveat to that is that the Meester hasn’t really changed his stance on having more than one. So, the discussion around these parts lately is kind of like a 5 year old asking if they can get a puppy:

“OhpleasepleasepleasePLEEEEEEEEEEESEcanwegetapuppy?IpromiseI’lltakecareofitandfeeditandwalkiteveryday.PLEEEASE?”

Which is kind of amusing, because neither of us sure as hell wants another dog.

{ 15 comments }

Meredith March 27, 2008 at 5:11 pm

You’re insane.

But I’d love to read all about it if you win the pleading battle. (He’ll given in eventually, right?)

And, really, you’re not insane. I’m just sort of…oh my god, I’m insane…jealous.

donna March 27, 2008 at 6:30 pm

I hear you. I didn’t even go through the big dog treatments that you did but it was still really rough going. Although I did love being pregnant. I want to be there again but when I think about what I would have to do to get there…. I’m not sure my psyche or my marriage could take it.

electriclady March 28, 2008 at 7:00 am

You know what? After posting last week about how I still don’t want another, I found myself yesterday on my clinic’s website, checking to see if they still take my insurance. Maybe it’s a weird spring fever thing.

jesser March 28, 2008 at 7:00 am

Meh. I guess I could take or leave being pregnant. Some of it was cool, but a lot of it was … not. Eloquent, I know.

Think you’ll wear him down?

DD March 28, 2008 at 7:16 am

Since I was relatively absent from the cycle that resulted in the Mini, I was wondering if you had any frozen embryos left, or was that an FET?

Even if you won’t know what you will do, I admit that I envy that you still have the option. With one mouth-breather on ice for us and me 40++ years old…ah well.

Deltus March 28, 2008 at 11:09 am

I’m just happy as a pig in shit that you two got the Mini. Whether or not you ever have another, you know the mysterious joys of parenthood. Being parents to two little critters, though, is different from just the one. Not necessarily better or worse, mind, but different. You take on a little bit more of a Drill Sergeant persona, because you have to discipline two of them at the same time (often), not just the one.

Helen March 29, 2008 at 7:59 am

God pregnancy sucked. It sucked almost as much as IVF treatments (but not quite). That said, I’d love more but like Donna said, I’m not sure my marriage or psyche could take it, either.

Motel Manager March 29, 2008 at 6:16 pm

I didn’t particularly care for being pregnant, but obviously we are trying for numero dos. Who knows, maybe it’ll be easier this time around.

I hear you on not being willing to go to as great of lengths for #2 – at least right now, I think we would do the FET and maybe one more fresh cycle, though who knows, once I’m back in the game, I might go all out again. God, that sounds tiring. And expensive. And bloated.
:)

Lisa March 29, 2008 at 8:56 pm

Hahaha – your last line is how my youngest was conceived. :-p But we didn’t have to go through what you went through to get the Mini, either.

Stephanie March 30, 2008 at 2:44 pm

I love being an “only” and wouldn’t have it any other way. If that’s the way the Mini grows up, it’s not such a bad deal. Just make sure he plays team sports so he can learn to “share.”

Tonya March 31, 2008 at 10:11 pm

I was an only, and it wasn’t so bad, though I was frequently lonely since I was always the new kid and teased mercilessly (redhead). I doubt the Mini would experience any of what I did as a kid.

I am really not good at pregnancy, but would LOVE to have another. My hubs is like yours– he’s DONE. Unless we win the lottery (not bloody likely since we don’t buy tix) or have a family member move nearby (think: snowballs and hell), I probably won’t be attempting procreation again. My hubby and I are REALLY good at compromise, but really, there’s no compromise in having kid(s), IF even you can in the first place.

Minawolf April 1, 2008 at 10:10 am

I was of the same mindset when I had my little one. Not sure if I’d do it again. Then a few months ago I realized, I would. I feel like I would regret not trying for another one more then I’d regret trying for one. Not sure how much sense that makes but there it is.

mel April 4, 2008 at 7:55 am

I find that as the time passes and we aren’t “trying” (because I have just given up the fight) that I still get these twinges when I hear about someone getting pregnant or I see a big ol’ pregnant belly.

And all those women who just GUSH about being pregnant…yeah I hate them :P

watson April 4, 2008 at 8:09 am

DUDE!

You are totally getting that about-one-year-later amnesia that all my friends got (infertiles or not) where you forget a lot of the hard stuff and start to think about Baby#2 — we must need the distance in order to start considering it again.

Whatever you decide I wish you luck :-)

How’s PA treating you, do you miss the Bay Area at all??

robyn April 7, 2008 at 10:55 am

I will refrain from the “I told you so’s” (because I know you thought I was crazy once upon a time). But even with secondary infertility…

If you make it ’til the potty training days, it will get easier and the amnesia symptoms wane a bit when you realize just HOW HARD it was. (And it takes 3-4 years to snap back.)

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