But I am Le Tiiiiiiiiiiiired.

by statia on January 4, 2008

I keep trying to come up with witty or funny things to say, but my raging insomnia has left me feeling more cranky and mean than anything else. I don’t know if I would exactly call it raging insomnia. It takes me an hour or more to fall asleep, and then if I wake up a couple of hours later, I can’t fall back to sleep, and if I do, it’s a very light sleep and then the Meester gets up and I swear my hearing at that point becomes ultra sensitive and everything sounds as if it’s running through a giant amplifier. I become really agitated and annoyed at the sound of my own breathing.

I’m kind of boring myself here.

Anyway, the Mini turns 10 months old tomorrow. I’m finding the fact that his birth day is further away than his birthday a bit more than heartbreaking. I’m not ready for him to be one yet. I know I have a couple more months, but I know that I’m going to wake up (ha ha) and it’ll be here.

He’s doing so many things now and it all seems to be coming in rapid fire. He’s doing quite a few signs now and recognizes many others. He knows the sign for milk and can use it accordingly and even better, actually let me know when he wants his “milk”. He also says milk as well. It sounds more like “kuh” but I get what he’s trying to say. He says it in conjunction with making the sign. He also does the “all done” sign pretty well, and does SOOOO BIG, which if that isn’t the ultimate in cuteness, I have no idea what is. He’s also started “dancing” every now and then. Again, ultimate cuteness. He’s been cruising around the furniture for a little while, and is starting to be able to stand for longer periods of time unassisted. Which means, who knows how far off walking is. I’m not ready for the walking. I’d like to do everything I can to hold off on him walking for as long as possible, but I know unless I tie him to a chair, there’s nothing I can do about it. He tries to get me to hold onto his arms so he can practice, but if he’s doing his own thing, he prefers to crawl. He finds it highly amusing when you ask him where Kermit is. I’m not exactly sure why he finds this so funny, but I had him laughing so hard last week when I said it.

We’ve gotten to the point of tantrums and back arching, which makes it a lot of fun to change his diaper, among many other things.

I find that as he’s getting older, my anxiety has gone through the roof. I’m not surprised I don’t sleep. I worry about every little thing. Things within my control, things beyond my control. I can’t stop worrying. I know it’s my job, but I worry to the point of making myself crazy. I’m not really sure how to avoid this.

Another month, and it’s hard to believe we’re already into the next year. I think about how uncomfortable I was at this time last year. And how I wondered what the Mini would be like, and what he’d be doing at this age. He’s both nothing and everything like I thought he would be.

{ 11 comments }

Jenn January 4, 2008 at 8:08 pm

Total assvice, feel free to disregard. My shrink used to tell me with excessive worry to “put it on the clock” meaning to have a set time, say 15-20 minutes, a night to just sit and worry about things. That way if things crept up at other times of day you can kind of put it aside knowing you’d worry about it later. It never really worked for me, but he seemed to think it worked for a lot of people so I thought I’d pass it on.

And walking, yeah, I hear you, but it makes baby wrangling easier in the long run. You don’t have to carry them everywhere.

Tracy January 5, 2008 at 1:02 pm

I have no assvice on the insomnia. Mine is so bad I had a panic attack last night when I realized my husband had taken some of my sleeping meds, and I won’t have enough to get through the weekend. (Addict, much?)

It’s hard seeing the baby phase slowly slipping away, but it does get replaced with other amazingly cute things. I found that as my daughter got older, each age was my new favorite age. Even 3 (which was worse than 2), was awesome, because her little personality came out so much. Now we’re five days from 14. Sometimes I wish the “little personality” would tune it down a bit. :-)

erika January 5, 2008 at 4:38 pm

Ativan, baby. My best friend these days.

Though, I hear it IS slightly (*cough*) addicting…

jesser January 6, 2008 at 5:55 pm

I sooo know how you feel. I had a mild panic on Fri when she turned 10 mos … how the hell can 1 year be sooo close?! I was still pregnant like YESTERDAY. WTF?

Tabby’s all into waving to EVERYONE and saying “hi.” She still will not crawl (though she scooches and rolls and stretches and can really cover an amazing amount of distance in a really short period) but she does do the cruising thing and standing on her own. I am excited for her to walk and still know that that’s dumb, but I can’t help it! We’re going through a very clingy stage right now.

Chris Cactus January 6, 2008 at 6:32 pm

I sincerely hope you get some sleep soon. I’m not the model of a relaxed parent, but there’s only so much you can worry about and control. We’re actually considering giving this next one the keys to the car at about the sixth month.

suzie January 6, 2008 at 8:58 pm

the time between 7-10 months were my very favorite with josie (until right now i love right now the best for now.) i can’t believe he’s almost one! time goes so fast! when are we all getting together and letting the kids wrestle?

PiquantMolly January 7, 2008 at 7:22 am

I know I sound like a commercial, but ask your doctor about Trazodone. I am an insomniac of the fall-asleep-easily-but-then-wake-up-75-times-a-night variety, and this stuff is great. It is actually a mild antidepressant, but it works so well in helping people sleep that it’s usually used for insomnia these days. I love it.

Audrey January 7, 2008 at 12:19 pm

My (not so) wee-one turns 10 months on Sunday. My husband keeps saying “We don’t have a baby anymore” to which I tell him to shove it and give him the evil eye. I love watching her grow, yet it’s happening so fast! I, too, keep rehashing how pregnant I was at this time last year. While I don’t really miss it, I do miss the anticipation of what was to come. Of course, there’s plenty of anticipation – of a different kind! – now that she’s here.

robyn January 8, 2008 at 9:17 am

Eh, I took Trazodone and didn’t sleep for over 72 hours. Todd actually took me to the ER.

I love watching you be all “mom”. Your writing is just so…happy…when you gush about him. I wanted that feeling for you for so long.

I’m facing FOUR in the next month. Four. Holy hell. Weren’t you just watching me go through Braxton Hicks with ankles the size of my waist yesterday?

Tracy January 9, 2008 at 12:49 am

What works for you Robyn?

Because? It’s almost 3 am? I just switched to Lunesta because I was worried about being too hooked on Ambien CR. OMG they do not tell you stuff gives you worse than ass mouth. OH, and also? As evidenced by the fact that it’s 3 AM? It’s not so effective.

Faith January 9, 2008 at 11:38 am

I just noticed the title you had on this post. I was thinking that the other morning as I got into the shower. “Well, have a nap. ZEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!” then popped into my head almost as quickly.

Fucking kangaroos.

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