I must be high

by statia on October 20, 2007

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been mourning the loss of infancy and celebrating babyhood. Babyhood is so much more fun than I ever imagined it would be. It’s still exhausting, and of course, frustrating. But it’s not without reward and despite all of the trials and tribulations, it’s always been worth it. I can say that without a doubt. Even during the times where I’ve questioned my sanity in the quest to have a child.

And while I couldn’t wait for the infant stage to be over, I’m surprised at the way in which the sadness of it being over, has hit me. I look at pictures of him from 7½ short months ago, and I reminisce how tiny he was. I miss the little baby squeak.

I’m in no way ready to do this again. And I’m 99.999999% sure that we’re done. The Meester would tell you that we’re 100% done. I think of the thought of sharing him and it hurts. I know that love is infinite and I’d love another as much as I love the Mini. But I’m really not ready to be there. That said, I’m surprised that I’m even contemplating it. There are so many factors in my not wanting one, that it boggles me that I even do. He’s everything I could ever ask for. I weigh the pros and cons in my mind and we still have two embryos cryo-preserved, and well, I don’t know. One of the big factors, and this may seem dumb to most, is that I’d have to deliver here, and while I hated a lot about California, my doctor was not one of them. She is the reason that we stayed there, and our experiences with her and the practice were so much a part of the memory as having the Mini was. I couldn’t even bear the thought of having someone else deliver another child if we actually decided to have one (and if we were lucky to achieve another pregnancy).

I try not to think about it too much and just focus on how much fun I’m having with the Mini. But part of me can’t imagine having another.

The other part of me can’t imagine not.

{ 11 comments }

donna October 20, 2007 at 12:09 pm

I keep thinking that we’ve had such an easy time (relatively) with Bridget that we’d be tempting fate by trying again. We might end up with Damien or something. But in all seriousness, if we with through ART again we might end up with multiples (there was a very high chance that Bridget could have been triplets) and while I would have welcomed twins the last time, I don’t know that I could do twins for the second time around. And so we have begun giving up our baby things – clothes, swing, bouncy chair, bathtub, it’s all getting donated to friends.

And yet, I still want another one. I know I probably always will. But it’s better this way for us.

MsPrufrock October 20, 2007 at 12:38 pm

Yeah, we’re on the fence too for so many reasons.

In the end, I’ll just end up doing whatever you do I think.

Chris Cactus October 20, 2007 at 5:26 pm

We had that conversation a lot. A little accident made our decision for us. I’m ecstatic but a little scared too. Infancy is fun but babyhood is awesome.

Suz October 21, 2007 at 7:37 am

It’s struck me that the longing to have another never will go completely away for me, even as it becomes less and less and less likely and our 99.999% decided changes into 100%. Just because we’re decided, doesn’t mean that we aren’t a little sad.

waiting line October 21, 2007 at 11:06 am

I must be high too (and my baby is only 8 weeks old)! …we’re not doing IVF again, and after mulling over the fact that I have to go back to work and can’t be a stay at home mom (I’m the primary breadwinner), not sure I should be having another to put in childcare (this dilemma I anticipated generally but not the angst that comes with it, oy veh!)

Camille October 22, 2007 at 5:21 am

Once he turns 3 (I believe there is no such thing as terrible two’s), you might make up your mind pretty quick!

jesser October 22, 2007 at 8:08 pm

We would definitely like to have another one, but after seeing my best friend’s tiny newborn this past week, I cannot imagine having another right now. I am so enjoying Ms. Tabby as she is and I really don’t want to do the newborn thing again so soon. She is just so much fun like this! I’m sure at some point, I’ll long for that tiny baby cry.

Deltus October 22, 2007 at 8:31 pm

I know what you mean. I know that feeling, of feeling both ways.

Motel Manager October 23, 2007 at 5:07 pm

I think we’ll have another one eventually (if we even can, that is), but it is so hard to imagine, for the reasons you mention. I do think I need to forget the newborn days before we can really go for #2 – whenever a friend of mine is about to have a baby these days, I tell her I’m really excited for her, but internally I’m also thinking that I’m really glad I’m not about to have to do those first six or eight weeks!

just another jenny October 23, 2007 at 5:54 pm

When I read this I thought “hey, did I write this?”. We have two frozen as well. I know we will try and I guess what happens..happens. If it doesn’t work, O gets me all to herself. If it does, I get to do the delicious yummy infant stage all over again.

robyn October 26, 2007 at 12:24 pm

Ok, look at how young he is. I was already pregnant again with T at his age — no you see the amnesia that starts to set in. Yeah. I seriously would never purposely span two this close apart, but being as we didn’t plan on it…well I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I think every mom worries about how could you possibly love another being as much as the first. And well, you just do from the instant you see them. I heard a hokey line on “A Baby Story” once that said, “You don’t divide the love – you multiply it.” And I’ve never heard anything so true.

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