by statia on September 2, 2007

When we were living in California, I put the Mini to bed every night. Something I looked forward to. It was our time. Early on, I never minded getting up too much when it was time for a feeding. While the sleep deprivation sucked, it was such a short lived time, in retrospect. One that I cherished, because I knew it would go by fast. Once we moved out here, we started to take turns putting him to bed, because I didn’t want it to be something where he would only go to bed for me. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been in physical therapy for a bunch of issues related to pregnancy. My appointments often run past his bedtime, so I miss putting him to bed.

The Mini turns six months old on Wednesday. Six.Months. As I put him to bed tonight. I sat there, thinking about how fast these last six months have gone. He fell asleep, leaving an ounce left in his bottle. I held him in my arms and just stared at him. Wondering if he was happy being all cozy there while I watched him sleep. He’s getting to be almost too big for me to sit with him in the glider. I went through his room this afternoon, purging his closet and dresser of all of the teeny clothes that were once too big for him. Stuff that he grew out of over a month ago, that I haven’t been able to see be retired to the “baby box” full of clothes that I have for him. He’s no longer interested in the “neglect o’ matic”, but prefers playing on the floor and occasionally, his bouncy seat or exersaucer. He’s really no longer considered an infant at this point, but a baby, on his way to toddlerhood.

Parenting is still by far the hardest thing I’ve done. I’ve suffered from a late onset case of post partum. The last couple of months have been really tough on me. I don’t sleep, I’ve been in a lot of pain, which leads to a lot of frustration. Frustration that he still doesn’t really nap, frustration that I have a harder time now getting out of bed at night when he cries, leaving the Meester to often get up and soothe him (which is really hard for me as the Mama). And most of all, frustration with myself. I often worry about the job I’m doing with him. I beat myself up constantly. Is he developing? Is he happy? Is there anything more that I should be doing for him than I already am? And over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been wrought with worry, as I see other kids his age, doing more than he’s doing. I can’t compare him to other babies. I don’t really “compare” him so much as I constantly blame myself, thinking somehow, it’s my fault that he refuses to try to do things.

But I should know better. Babies develop at their own rate. And that kid, he lets me know it on a regular basis. He does things when he feels like it, and not a moment sooner. On Friday, I was frantic that there was something wrong with him. “He just sits there on his belly all day, and refuses to try to do anything else and he’s been like that for the last three weeks” , I said to the Meester. And then on Saturday, explosions of doing stuff. Rolling all over, scootching on his belly, (which is something he attempted a month or so ago, and then abandoned, as quickly as he started), pushing up on his hands and knees (only to quickly fall on his face). He’s aware that he’s able to make himself move, even if it’s only the littlest bit, and it’s something that he’s now repeating over and over until he wears himself out. He always knew he could roll over to his back, he just didn’t WANT to, and still, even though he CAN, he expresses no interest. While I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s able to get around more by weeks end, at the rate he’s going, I don’t know that he’ll have quite mastered the ability to do so yet. I don’t think he’s quite there. But then again, he manages to surprise me on a daily basis.

And I know, I’ll look back on this time, and wonder where the hell it all went. I know I can’t wait for him to do more stuff, but watching him try to crawl with as much excitement as he can muster, forces me to enjoy the now.


Suz September 2, 2007 at 7:09 pm

In a way, we were lucky to have identical twins because we had one baby like Mini, who just wanted to do things in his own time, and another who had to try everything he could as soon as he could. Knowing that we did the same with both and they just the way they were did wonders for the assuaging of any guilt that just popped up.

donna September 2, 2007 at 8:31 pm

You said it yourself – he’ll do everything when he’s ready. It’s hard not to think that everything they do or don’t do is directly related to what we are doing or not doing as parents, but I think that most of it is simply their temperament and interest. You are doing a great job and he is happy and healthy and developing just fine.

Solonor September 3, 2007 at 5:21 am

Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward recovery. I think the second and third steps involves drinking lots of alcohol, but it’s been a while, so I can’t remember.

I do remember thinking that something was wrong with the daughter, because the son started yakking when he was like 6 months old, but she hadn’t uttered more than a couple of baby words after over a year. We fretted a lot and really wished she’d start talking. When she finally opened the floodgates, we wondered how the hell to shut her up!

Camille September 3, 2007 at 5:38 am

My two cents: He’s content with life, so in his mind there is no need for him to get in a hurry with everything else. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re a good momma. *hugs*

Erin September 3, 2007 at 8:39 am

Did you happen to hurt your hip? I injured my hip during delivery and am just now 17 months later seeing a sports medicine doctor next week. Is the PT helping?

Jen(aside) September 3, 2007 at 8:44 am

Post partum sucks. Mommas always worry. I think as soon as we find out we are pregnant, a gene activates that allows us to worry incessantly while still going about our daily tasks. (Or maybe I’ve just been watching too much Stargate.) I’m glad to hear you both survived the first six months. I kind of miss having a baby (my daughter is over a year now; my son 3) around the house, but then again… I kind of don’t. I really started to get into my kids at around a year old because they exploooode with new stuff – similar to what you are experiencing with the Mini at 6 months. It’s kinda cool, isn’t it?

Meredith September 3, 2007 at 11:59 am

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling. Pregnancy is amazingly draining– I’m still getting over it and I’m not having to struggle with PPD. And I know that tendency to compare– it’s natural, I think, that we can’t help but do it with our babes born on the same day– but you’re so right that the Mini’s going to do things when he wants to do them. For a while I thought that all of his milestones were ahead of Finn, but I guess that now they’re going to trade! But, and I know you know this, while the comparisons are natural, the babes are going to do things when they’re ready. And it sounds like the Mini is ready!

Dooneybug September 3, 2007 at 3:44 pm

You’re right, the Mini will do things when he’s ready. I remember the earlier times when my son would have these days where he would explode with new talents and then he’d be stagnant again for weeks. That is so normal! Like one commenter said, mommas always worry…it just means you’re a good one.

Helen September 3, 2007 at 11:52 pm

I still think you’re being too hard on yourself-the Mini looks like one of the happiest, healthiest babies I’ve ever seen in the photos. I think we’re all our own worst critics, and the fact that the Mini was active this weekend in some of his development will hopefully ease your mind a bit.

ewe_are_here September 4, 2007 at 4:34 am

I’m sorry you’re struggling with postpartum, that can’t be easy. Have you considered talking to your doctor about it?

As for the developmental stages of the wee ones, you’re exactly right: don’t worry don’t worry don’t worry. They all develop at their own pace, and they all have their own little personality quirks. Makes for an interesting combination. :-)

Denise September 4, 2007 at 5:33 am

I think I needed to read this post more than you needed to write it. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years due to infertility and was plesantly surprised when we had a son on the same day. I now feel exactly as you do. He’s not rolling over, not pushing up on his arms, not attempting to move himself at all. I remember at his 4 month check up asking the doctor when I should worry that he’s not rolling over. He said “he may not roll over by 6 months, don’t worry. The ones that don’t roll early are the intellectuals.” I can’t help it though, I feel like I’m trying to rush him through his infancy. Hurry up and crawl! But everyone says don’t force it, you’ll miss this time. I understand their point I just want to see something happen and I guess I’m impatient. It’s frustrating and of course, we blame ourselves. Please know that there’s someone out there with the same exact thoughts as you, who has a wonderful baby born on March 5th who’s not even rolling over yet! You are not alone! I guess he’ll just do it when he feels like it.

Deltus September 4, 2007 at 11:09 am

It’s just awesome, parenthood. I really miss the pre-toddler times. *sigh*

Deltus September 4, 2007 at 11:10 am

BTW, what’s SEIS mean?

April September 4, 2007 at 11:50 am

Obviously I’ve never had a child so I’m not going to even pretend to be an asshat and give you advice.

All I’m going to say is you’re doing a great job. A far better job than you give yourself credit for.

Tuesday September 4, 2007 at 3:18 pm

Well, it sounds like you are a mom.

motomama September 4, 2007 at 9:57 pm

I am with you on the not getting up to soothe him at night thing and leaving it to the meester. I do that too, and have insomnia and can’t get out of bed in the morning. I think it is just that I can turn off at those times, when I have to be so “on” all day with them (i have 2). I think that if you are talking w/other Moms and going to PT, you are doing something for yourself, and that is a big part of being a good Mom.

thalia September 5, 2007 at 12:29 pm

sorry to hear things have been such a struggle, I didn’t know how much pain and difficulty you were dealing with.

I’m glad you’re not worrying TOO much about minimeester and what he’s up to. He sounds like he knows his own mind.

Stacey September 5, 2007 at 2:18 pm

Don’t blink cause then he’ll be 13.

just another jenny September 5, 2007 at 6:59 pm

People say it goes so fast and it gets annoying to hear it but then you look back and say “holy shit did he/she used to fit in this tiny outfit?”.
I think that moving with a baby and pets is a huge feat. Add health issue’s to that and it’s no wonder you’ve been battling a little ppd.

Tonya September 5, 2007 at 8:01 pm

By taking good care of yourself, you are doing the best you can to take care of the Mini too. Being a SAHM is SUCH a hard job, add on the physical pain and PPD it’s just brutal. Please try to go easy on yourself. Babies are so resilient (and I figure mine will need therapy no matter how great a mom I am, ya know?).

You’re totally right on– he will do exactly what he wants when he wants. It’s a little tiny taste of the teen years I think, only they still love their Mama. ;-)

Motel Manager September 7, 2007 at 7:58 am

He sounds like a champ to me (as do you). My son also shows no interest in rolling over, even though he’s inadvertently done it a few times. I read in a book the other day that rolling-over is the most variable developmental milestone and that it’s even totally fine if a kid never does it. But it sounds as if the Mini is about to put it all together and will soon be mobile, anyway.

Hang in there. Being a SAHM is HARD. I personally find it easier to be back at work, so you have my enduring respect! :)

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