If you give a crackwhore a 20….

by statia on August 7, 2007

I try to read to the Mini at least once a day. We buy him insane amounts of books. So many, that his bookshelf is damn near full. Which isn’t a bad habit by any stretch. We love reading to him and he loves to be read to. Everyone wins!! We have your staples like Goodnight Moon and “Little brown nut hair (aka, Guess How Much I Love You).” As well as other basics like Dr. Seuss and Sandra Boynton (But Not The Hippopotamus is one of his very favorites, as he smiles when he looks at me as I get really close when I say “BUT NOT THE HIPPOPOTAMUS!!” And he knows when it’s coming).

I forget what the point was.

Oh yeah. One of the series we have is the “If You Give…” books. We own If You Give a Pig a Pancake and If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. There are so many things in children’s books that I take issue with, and I don’t hesitate to point them out to the Mini.

First off, If you give a mouse a cookie, he goes on some whirlwind cleaning bender, as a result of giving himself a hair cut. I don’t know if the cookie is laced with meth or what, but you know, we have a huge field behind us and I bet I can find myself a field mouse and try to lure him in with a crank laced cookie if it would guarantee that he’d clean my house. Every time I read this book to the Mini, I try to remember to make a mental note to find out where this mouse lives and see if his rates are cheap. Maybe he only works for Oreos, I don’t know, but maybe I can pass off some Hydrox cookies and see if he’d notice.

Don’t even get me started on the pig. What the hell kind of pig gets all nuts wanting to visit the farm where they were born, but not before she TRIES ON YOUR TAP SHOES in a sweater dress (hello 1988!) while you take polaroids, then making you mail them out to her 9 million friends, but not before building herself a tree house, complete with adirondack chairs and oh my fuck.. WALLPAPER? A pig with ADHD that could benefit from some god damned ritalin, that’s who.

And then there’s “In The Night Kitchen.” Where a kid falls completely out of his pajamas and plummets naked into a vat of dough, wherein three identical men that look like Oliver Hardy try to bake him in an oven. I don’t think it needs any convincing that Maurice Sendak was on acid when he wrote that book.

That’s another rant for another day. But first, I need to find that mouse. My house could use a serious cleaning.


Lisa August 7, 2007 at 10:43 pm

Hahahaha! A whole new perspective on some of the classics. Too busy laughing to comment intelligently.

Katrina August 8, 2007 at 1:15 am

If you give a crackwhore a 20, she’ll instantaneously become pg. Dang, that sounded like some lingering bitterness on my part.

Sooo true about kids books, some are downright weird!

Erin August 8, 2007 at 5:03 am

That was so excellent. Do you like the Sandra Boynton books, though? We got a few of them as baby gifts and I try to read them out loud and I just can’t stand them. Especially the one about pajamas and bedtime. It’s terrible.

If you find that mouse forget giving him the cookie. Give him my number.

Shanna August 8, 2007 at 6:18 am

…and here my biggest baby book complaint so far was WTF with the animals in The Going To Bed Book exercising after the bath!

Chris August 8, 2007 at 6:58 am

We read constantly. And Little Brown Nut Hair is impossible for me to read with a straight face.

But not the armadillo!

Dooneybug August 8, 2007 at 7:13 am

Hysterical! Kids books are so whack. My son likes the Sandra Boynton Belly Button book so now every time I change his diaper, he says, “bee bo”! At first I thought he was saying something about having a poop but my husband picked up on the “bee bo” (belly button) and now I get it.

Tanya August 8, 2007 at 7:39 am

I love In The Night Kitchen. That’s one of the weirdest books I’ve ever read, and I read science fiction regularly.

geeky August 8, 2007 at 8:14 am

See, that’s why I love the Stinky Cheeseman book. That book keeps it real!

Shelly August 8, 2007 at 8:16 am

If you find that mouse, send him to my house – I’ll buy him Pepperidge Farm cookies if he’ll clean!

Lenni August 8, 2007 at 9:06 am

To this day, my Mom blames my favorite book as a kid, “The Pokey Little Puppy” for being the reason I used to be so ridiculously slow at everything. And my second favorite book was “Are You My Mother?” which in retrospect is a pretty traumatizing book for a child! Stick with the ADHD pig!

Deltus August 8, 2007 at 10:27 am

Then there’s the lesser know Dr. Seuss books:

Who Shat In My Hat
Horton Hires A Ho
The Fox In Detox
One Bitch Two Bitch Dead Bitch Blue Bitch
Morton J. Meaney, Shut The Fuck Up!

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