4 real

by statia on August 16, 2007

When I was pregnant with the Mini, people would constantly ask me if we had a name picked out. While we had a few ideas, we really didn’t have one solid name. And we weren’t sharing any of them. For one, someone always has to shit on your name choice. Which pisses me off. “Oh I knew a Joseph in high school and he was a complete dick.” Well thanks asshole. Second, we just couldn’t agree on anything. One would like a name, while the other hated it, and when the other one finally came around, one of us was back to being over it. It was a never ending battle. Three, I’m of the firm belief that the child picks the name. I needed to see my son before naming him. Obviously everyone’s different, but that’s us.

It really pissed people off when we wouldn’t share our name choices. Like it was any of their god damned business, but it drove them insane. Kathy was convinced that I was paying her back for her not telling me the names that she had picked out. And while yes, we’re assholes like that to each other, it wasn’t until after I was in recovery, that I said to my husband “um, we need to give this kid a name.” (most of his paperwork still says “baby boy [insert our last name here]” on it.) And just like that, a name that neither of us was in love with at one point or another was cast upon our son. And of course, now I love it.

The Mini’s name is not common, but not unusual. Which seems to be the theme of the decade. You want something unique, just like everyone else. We didn’t want classic names for a boy. It was a really tough decision for us up until we saw him. And I’m glad we didn’t have a girl, for the sole reason of we just didn’t have a clue. Nothing. We both hated everything. I know had we actually had a girl, it would have worked itself out and we would have been happy. But I still don’t have a girls name that I particularly love.

I have a point here.

Yesterday on the Today show, there was a segment on the whole name game and how there are now “name consultants” out there, charging a fee to name your child. They’ll take your last name and come up with something that flows. Call me crazy, but would you pay someone to do something, that should be so personal to you as naming your child should be? (does that sentence even make sense?) Why would you pay someone to do this? I mean yes, we had a hard time, but in the end it worked out as it should.

There’s a consultant for everything these days.

Maybe I should become a pooping consultant. Pay me and I’ll help you poop.

{ 22 comments }

Deltus August 16, 2007 at 8:33 am

Name consultants??? Jesus H. Christ, here I am, *working* for a living, and I could be out there picking names for people’s babies! Un-fucking-believable.

geeky August 16, 2007 at 8:56 am

I wonder if the pick out rhyming names, like Julia Gulia. No way would I pay money for that!

Tanya August 16, 2007 at 9:14 am

I’d have to ask someone, at least one smart person, because they’d be the one to notice, like, “You realize that would make her initials FUK, right? Think she’ll want that on sweater?”

Name consultant? Not unless you have more than five kids.

Erin August 16, 2007 at 10:25 am

It’s so funny how different everyone is on this – we picked a (fairly common) name and just went with it. Fortunately it worked out okay and my daughter seems to be pretty aptly named. But I do understand how you might want to actually see the kid if you’re not totally sold on a name.

And I had tons of girl names picked out and zero boy names. Wanna pass some along this way?

just another jenny August 16, 2007 at 10:45 am

how much do you charge?

Dooneybug August 16, 2007 at 11:42 am

We kept our sons name a secret and we’re doing the same thing this time with #2. I’m so with you on it being nobody else’s damn business. I knew if I told people what his name was going to be they’d repeat it back to me with a question mark at the end, like many people still do to this day. Which is so rude! I hate, hate, hate classic names, but that’s just me.

There’s a damn consultant for everything these days, isn’t there? Just pick some random thing out of the air to do and market it the right way and you’ll make a million off the ignorant.

Audrey August 16, 2007 at 12:10 pm

Not that I’d spend the money on a name consultant, but I wish I had the disposable income to even CONSIDER it. Guess I’m in the wrong business…

Kristin August 16, 2007 at 2:02 pm

I didn’t tell anyone either. We had twins, so I had fun making up names and telling people them with a straight face. “Larry and Mary”, “Huey and Duey” “Fran and Stan”…people would just say “oh thats nice” like they ate a sourball and walk away.

Lenni August 16, 2007 at 2:20 pm

My cousin and his wife are expecting and are of course fending off the questions about the name (especially from the overbearing mother-in-law). The name they’re telling everyone to get some peace and quiet about it? “Honey Beatrice”, and they’ll call her “Honey Bea!”

Empress August 16, 2007 at 2:39 pm

When my first was born, the ex called his work to tell everyone that we had our son, Jesse. The receptionist misheard and suddenly everyone in the company thought that we had named our son “Jeffy”. Can you imagine?? Jeffy????

*apologizes to anyone who named their kid Jeffy*

Shanna August 16, 2007 at 4:40 pm

Said it before and I’ll say it again – we’re damn lucky we had an “out” to not announce the names until the kids were eight days old (combination brit milah and zeved habat), because we didn’t decide on their names until we’d already been home from the hospital for a couple of days! We had particular trouble with our son’s name – and it’s still kinda random, but it suits him, and I can’t imagine having named this child any other name.

Jenn August 16, 2007 at 6:49 pm

We had a hard time coming up with boy names that we liked. I have a million girl names I like though.

Helen August 17, 2007 at 2:45 am

So, in hindsight, do you wish maybe you’d had “Elmo” picked out for the Mini, given that Elmo is the love of his life (after you, of course)? Although maybe that doesn’t work. If you were named after things you loved I’d be called “Emmenthal”.

Like you, we haven’t told a soul the names. It’s largely because we have no fucking idea what to call either of them, but if we did it’d be a secret. Although I promise you have complete nickname rights if we use that “E” name that you don’t like.

buzz August 17, 2007 at 3:10 am

Yeah, I STILL can’t believe that you didn’t name him Buzz. Or Buzzle. Or, heck, even BuzzMeisterBoy.

*gets all dejected and shit*

Chris August 17, 2007 at 4:28 am

Sometimes I think I’m in the wrong line of work. I should just make of a profession and charge out the ass for it. I’m sure people would pay.

tricia August 17, 2007 at 4:53 am

i’m pretty sure i was your poop consultant for a while. Heh. and i’m going to name my kid #, because that chinese couple already took @. bastards.

Camille August 17, 2007 at 5:43 am

We kept ours to ourselves too – for the exact same reasons you did. He was named after he was born too. And I had the same problem picking out a girls name, but when it came down to it, we did it. I agree with you, it works itself out. You know there are going to be people out there hiring a name consultant. Which is totally sad. You should contact that name consultant and get a list of her clients so you can solicit your mad pooping skillz to them, b/c they’re probably so uptight they need the help!

jesser August 17, 2007 at 6:44 am

We kept the name secret too, actually names. Like you, I wouldn’t name her ’til I saw her. It was hard enough to pick a name with two people’s opinions involved, let alone 300.

Stacey August 17, 2007 at 9:10 am

Well, if you were witty enough, you could have looked the woman in the face and said her son’s name or husbands name as your choice. Think she’d knock that? ;)

ssfb August 17, 2007 at 9:17 am

well you know, some people need some help with that stuff: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/08/08/n4real108.xml

suzie August 18, 2007 at 9:10 am

actually i’m rather depressed and downtrodden after reading this, because when i think about it, um, helping people poop IS kind of what people pay me for.

i’m having business cards made up.

Tuesday August 20, 2007 at 3:36 pm

How much are you charging because sadly, I really do need pooping help.

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