Hormonal Rage with a side of home fries. (now with update)

by statia on February 16, 2007

By and large, most of the people that I’ve come across while dealing with infertility are generally curious and refrain from saying asshole things. But dealing with infertility, ignorance comes with the territory. It still manages to throw me into a blind rage when people say such idiotic things. Case in point:

You need to go get drunk. And no I am not a sicko…both times I got pregnant, it just happened to be when I was slam-ass drunk!

With my second, we stopped trying and I decided to go out drinking with a girlfriend…we got SO DAMN DRUNK, and two weeks later I found out I was pregnant and had been pregnant during the drinkfest. Just about everyone I know that has had a baby has an identical story.

So…go drink, it will relieve the stress and help you relax, which is what you really need to do when it comes to getting pregnant.

[link]

I’ve said this before. I am generally a pretty private person in what I share here. The stupid, the funny, the random. But when I opened up about my issues with infertility and let everyone in on our reproductive lives, I did it because my group of readers tend to come from both sides of the spectrum. I’ve been blogging for so long and I really don’t put myself into the “infertility” genre. I wanted people to get a better understanding on how things worked and what was involved, and that also, that I am a real person, with real life issues, that you generally never get to see. I wanted people to understand that fertility is not a simple issue that is resolved by “just relaxing” or “getting piss drunk.” Relaxing and getting piss drunk isn’t going to clear my medical problem of tubal blockage or another woman’s issue of endometriosis. Nor will it cure male factor infertility. These are diganosed medical problems. They are heartbreaking to anyone who has to deal with them. And honestly, something that you never recover from. At least something that I will never recover from.

Unfortunately, ignorance is alive and thriving in this world, and when it comes to people like that, there’s really nothing I can do, unless it’s talking until I’m blue in the face. Unless that person decides that they want to be a little more compassionate and open minded, shit like this is going to go on forever.

But I dare you to say that to a woman’s face when she’s all hopped up on Gonal or Follistim. In fact, I triple DOG dare you.

For those of you that may have friends that are dealing with infertility and you’d like to not be that asshole, here’s a good place to start. Oh and yeah, don’t tell them to get drunk either. Unless it’s to commiserate a failed cycle. In which case, a good friend will bring their ears and a big fuck off bottle of Grey Goose.

Edited to Add:

Jen raised a very good point in the comments:

I understand that sometimes comments made by people can be very hurtful. I have gotten hurt at things you have posted on your site a couple times. If I were to bring it up, I’d probably get told I’m too sensitive. You are a-fucking right, I’m sensitive. Just like anyone else who has a sore spot.

Sometimes people don’t know that what they are going to say is going to cause someone else hurt. I know that every time I want to type a comment on the three IVF blogs I read (Vanessa, Jenny from the Infertility Block, and you), I get very uncomfortable. I read and reread my comment about six times. Then I push post and I pray that I don’t end up being one of the people linked on one of your blogs for being an asshat.

So why do I keep reading when I find it so hard to comment for fear of pissing you off or hurting your feelings? Because this is something one of my friends may go through. Or my daughter. And I DO want to understand it. And your writing style is entertaining. :) And after a year now of reading, I do care.

I just hope that in the future I’m not the one getting blogged about (and linked to) for something unintentional.

Well Jen, now you are getting linked, but it’s a good example of how just about everyone has something they’re sensitive about. There’s nothing wrong with that. I know I’m not perfect, but that makes it a learning experience. I’ve had my ass handed to me by my best friend for using the word fertiles, to describe people who become pregnant easily. While I wasn’t trying to use it in a derogatory way, it totally came across that way to her and offended her. Lesson learned. I know that most people aren’t out to hurt someone else’s feelings, they just don’t know how it’s going to affect the other person until a person that’s sensitive to the issue steps up and hands someone a bitch slap. And we all get bitch slapped from time to time.

Also, Misty has apologized profusely, and really it wasn’t my intention to sic a bunch of people on her, so I know you’ll all play nice.

{ 17 comments }

Faith February 16, 2007 at 11:01 am

That blog sounds familiar…I think she’s a local KC blogger.

Wow. Just…how do people walk around with their heads in their asses like that? It’s nice that she tried to apologize and all, but still. How did it come out of her mouth in the first place? Jeezy…

robyn February 16, 2007 at 11:21 am

You really do never get over it, or the things people said along the way, do you?

DD February 16, 2007 at 11:59 am

I went to the link, and it does appear she is profoundly sorry for her comment.

I’ve had people make comments on my blog that make me wonder if they’ve read ANY of my posts and realize I have infertility/EPL.

I can usually shrug it off b/c I know the intent was not there to offend. Even I have left my fair share of stupid comments.

BTW: Congrats on being “preggers”.

erica February 16, 2007 at 12:03 pm

Sometimes I try to think people are trying to be comforting but really have no idea what to say. And sometimes I can’t believe just how much people really have no idea at all.

Tanya February 16, 2007 at 12:14 pm

When I was in high school, my best friend was one of those crazy stories. Her parents tried for years and years to get pregnant, finally adopted her brother, and within a few months of the adoption, her mom was finally pregnant.

Having known that at 16, I hope to f’ing xst that I was never naive/stupid enough to say “just try to relax” to any infertile couple. Having read your blog, and the blogs of other women/couples who have fought and struggled and cried, and succeeded or not, I’d sooner slit my own throat than say “why don’cha just go git druuuunk.” Jeezus.

Tanya February 16, 2007 at 12:18 pm

(but now that I’ve read it all – it sounds like the girl on that other site really didn’t mean to be a jerk)

soapbox.SUPERSTAR February 16, 2007 at 12:20 pm

Hi! I am the ass that made the comment that you are linking to in this post. For what it is worth, I truly am sorry for the comment. I honestly don’t even have an excuse for it, except that I was completely not thinking when I typed it. I have apologized a couple times to Mel on her site and wanted to come over here and apologize to you also.

I am honestly NOT the kind of person that would intentionally go around and try to hurt people.

It may be too little too late, but for what it’s worth I am sorry if my comment offended you also, or anyone for that matter. I feel like a complete and total jerk.

Jenaside February 16, 2007 at 1:11 pm

I understand that sometimes comments made by people can be very hurtful. I have gotten hurt at things you have posted on your site a couple times. If I were to bring it up, I’d probably get told I’m too sensitive. You are a-fucking right, I’m sensitive. Just like anyone else who has a sore spot.

Sometimes people don’t know that what they are going to say is going to cause someone else hurt. I know that every time I want to type a comment on the three IVF blogs I read (Vanessa, Jenny from the Infertility Block, and you), I get very uncomfortable. I read and reread my comment about six times. Then I push post and I pray that I don’t end up being one of the people linked on one of your blogs for being an asshat.

So why do I keep reading when I find it so hard to comment for fear of pissing you off or hurting your feelings? Because this is something one of my friends may go through. Or my daughter. And I DO want to understand it. And your writing style is entertaining. :) And after a year now of reading, I do care.

I just hope that in the future I’m not the one getting blogged about (and linked to) for something unintentional.

Jenaside February 16, 2007 at 1:12 pm

And see, I’m already wishing my post had a delete button. :)

Vanessa February 16, 2007 at 2:24 pm

As someone in the midst of the hormonal hell, I can say this-most of the time, people are great. The comments on my site? Tend to be great. I get some asshole emails from time to time, but either because I come off as a fruitcake and thus people think they need to treat me with kid gloves anyway, or else I’m just lucky.

It makes you wish people could peer into the bottom of a Dixie cup and see how bad this all feels, but if they can’t, then all we can do is hope we all don’t get the “get drunk and just shag, it worked for me” comments, or the kinds I’ve heard from my MIL (who doesn’t know about our treatment, so it’s not really her fault.)

IVF is so, so sensitive. It’s so hard. And we are so tripped out on hormones we are unpredictable. But comments like Jenaside’s (you’ve never upset me, Jenn!) hearten me-maybe people who aren’t partying with the needles know just how hard things are for those of us that are.

MsPrufrock February 16, 2007 at 3:34 pm

I have nothing valuable to add here, I’m just pleased to see that DD has managed to incorporate the word “preggers” just to piss you off. Heh.

Donna February 16, 2007 at 10:46 pm

I don’t fault the folks who are really trying to be helpful and inadvertently end up saying something offensive, we all do it on other subjects that we don’t have a good knowledge base in. What I can never understand is how hearing about how someone else you know was successful is going to help anyone else any. Trying to fit everyone into the same hole (ha! sorry about that) is what infuriates us all about IF treatment. Getting off soapbox now.

Karin February 16, 2007 at 11:38 pm

I have read your blog for a number of years because I enjoy your writing and you make me laugh out loud. When you started blogging about your infertility I read with great interest as I also suffered from infertility. We went through many treatments and surgeries with no luck and stopped short of IVF for many reasons. We then decided to adopt which was a great choice for us and our oldest son came to us a short time later. When he was 2 I became pregnant, no idea how or why but I was elated! He is 9 now. Never got pregnant again! More surgeries and I ended up with a hysterectomy at 40. I guess my point in telling you all this is that I have never commented as I didn’t want to come across as insensitive because I was one of the cliche people who adopt and then get pregnant. I have wanted to comment a few times but have just continued on with my lurking. I am really happy for you and your meester. I am looking forward to your new mom/baby posts, they should be quite entertaining.

thalia February 17, 2007 at 7:16 am

Statia you hit the nail on the head as always, and you’re graciously seeing both sides of the story. Thank you.

mel February 17, 2007 at 2:27 pm

Thanks for the support hon. I appreciate it. I have emailed Misty personally and she has apologized (which you note above also) and I think she was really sincere and upset over all of this. I hope she’s feeling better now about it all.

I know I’ve said things before that I wish I could take back while I was saying them ;) It’s a fine line on infertility related posts I think.

PaintingChef February 19, 2007 at 9:44 am

Damn. I’ve started this same post inside my head so many times. I love you to bits and pieces Statia. And I SWEAR to never tell you to relax or to get drunk. You know, unless you just really sound like you need to chill the fuck out and tie one on and it has nothing to do with lady bits.

But I do find myself almost resenting people (almost my ass) who are able to get pregnant without any trouble. I have neighbors, co-workers and friends all who just pop them out one after the other without a second thought to just how lucky they are. I’ve decided to buy them ALL muzzles because I’m so sick of them “helping” and “being supportive”…

Am probably a mean infertile now. Maybe I should just get drunk. Hee…

just another jenny February 19, 2007 at 4:45 pm

Damn, I was looking for funny, random, stupid and now you made me think. Anybody who hasn’t gone through this and can empathize has a special place in my heart. I’m not sure I really understood empathy until I realized how badly I needed it.

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