In which I don’t sugar coat anything, and neither do my friends

by statia on January 24, 2007

On the nuisances of post delivery goodness:

pooper: dude you’ll totally feel like
pooper: something was put back wrong
pooper: for a few days my vag was half swollen
me: dude, my vag is FAT already, seriously
pooper: well wait till afta
pooper: it’ll be like a parade float in your pants
me: the last time i had sex, it felt like someone pumped up my vagina to 6 times it’s original size
me: i felt like I was sitting on a pool float

It’s too late to turn back now, yes?

{ 26 comments }

DD January 24, 2007 at 3:09 pm

You are one twisted puppy. I think that’s why I like you.

Now I have an image of the Reebok pump athletic shoe AND your vagina in my head.

Thanks.

skits January 24, 2007 at 3:40 pm

*bleaches*

Tracy January 24, 2007 at 4:24 pm

Are you SURE you don’t want to breastfeed? Because…I’m just thinking of all the IM conversations that could come out of that…

Kathy January 24, 2007 at 5:05 pm

just think of the size of the stamp you could make out of it.

jen January 24, 2007 at 9:29 pm

parade float!! HAHAAAHAHA!!

You know, I had a section, and my parts were all weird after. I thought I was going to avoid all that.

Boy was I wrong…

jen January 24, 2007 at 9:30 pm

parade float!! HAHAAAHAHA!!

You know, I had a section, and my parts were all weird after. I thought I was going to avoid all that.

Boy was I wrong…

jen January 24, 2007 at 9:30 pm

eh. sorry bout that. trigger finger….

MsPrufrock January 24, 2007 at 11:36 pm

This is going to be unpleasant, so prepare yourself.

For days, nay, WEEKS after the blessed event I felt like I had broom handles shoved up both the vag and the…ahem…back passage. It led to me walking like I’d been riding a horse for 5 days straight. Ahhh…the memories.

Minawolf January 25, 2007 at 5:14 am

oh my…

signed
-impressionable pregnant person.

Kathy January 25, 2007 at 6:27 am

I don’t think we all need to share horror stories now do we?

Erin January 25, 2007 at 6:57 am

I think the put-back-wrong is here to stay, 10 months later. You get used to it, kind of.

geeky January 25, 2007 at 7:14 am

i’m so glad i could start my morning pictures your vajayjay. thank you.

Jenny January 25, 2007 at 7:26 am

I think I read just so I know what to look forward to.

moi January 25, 2007 at 10:00 am

in a word,
gah.

Tracy January 25, 2007 at 11:19 am

OMG – has anybody informed you about the “icy pads”? Literaly – like big monster feminine pads, that you pop, and they get cold – you know, to make swelling go down? I totally forgot about those…I don’t *think* you’d need one after a c-section, but…what the heck do I know.

Steff January 25, 2007 at 11:50 am

And witch hazel feels sooo good! Seriously, keep it in the fridge!

Vanessa January 25, 2007 at 12:17 pm

Great. I will never again look at my Homer Simpson water wings the same way again. Thanks Statia.

Also Steff? Steff with the witch hazel? You totally rule, and you definitely won that last round of “what’s grosser than gross” (remember that game, or was it just my twisted childhood that had it? I was the champion of it, or at least I was until now. I bow down.) Seriously, the thought of sticking the stuff I use to get rid of blackheads up the cooter just made my sphincter implode.

Teresa January 25, 2007 at 3:38 pm

My biggest thing with both my sections was the air bubbles-as in the air that gets trapped inside you when they pull the kid out. Hurts like a bitch.

Just thought I share.

By the way, I was the biggest pregnant bitch ever. There is a huge difference between being happy you are pregnant and being happy you are going to have a baby.

Chris January 25, 2007 at 6:48 pm

Sometimes you share a bit too much ;-) Yes, it’s too late.

Heather R January 26, 2007 at 6:38 am

I was pretty bummed to have to have a c-section..the cord was around my little girl’s neck THREE times!! So, because of the section, she is perfectly fine,and my crotch didn’t get blown out..not too bad.

Jenaside January 26, 2007 at 7:41 am

I could tell you all kinds of gross stuff. Some of it doesn’t apply since you are having a c-section. (right?) But yeah. So many gross things. It’s great.

Kathy January 26, 2007 at 8:10 am

This one time? I was impaled by a tree trunk on my way to my c-section.

Vanessa January 26, 2007 at 9:54 am

Dude, Kathy-that exact same thing happened to me! Except I pulled the tree trunk out and ground it down to treat my eczema, while simultaneouly knitting booties for my second cousins’s brother’s nephew’s baby.

Statia is so behind.

Linda January 26, 2007 at 10:24 am

Jesus christ. Your visual graphics worked their charm. You’ve convinced me that the odds of having my bits destroyed are lessened if I do a c-section so sign me up if/when the time comes. It blows up to six times it’s size? Geez, do you have to wear a codpiece or something for protection?

waiting line January 26, 2007 at 2:16 pm

g*d flippin’ dammit. why do OUR bodies get blown to bits, and hubbies (or significant others) get to stand around with the freakin’ camera. sh*t a c-section, even in all its gore, is sounding really good right now.

Camille January 27, 2007 at 8:16 pm

OMG! You always make me laugh out loud! My husband always wants to know whats so funny. “I felt like I was sitting on a pool float” – that is just cracking me up.

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