Calling the waaaaaaaaaaaaambulance

by statia on January 15, 2007

As this pregnancy goes on, I find myself more and more eager and ready, for it to be over. I want my child to just While Vanessa hates the bitchy pregnant people (and probably wants to smack me on a regular basis for whining, but in turn will end up sending Fetus an entire set of very loud instruments to get back at me….. loooooooooooooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu), I have in fact become one of those bitchy pregnant people. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am eternally grateful to have made it this far, with a baby that has Chuck Norris like kicking skills. I know that we’re lucky to have made it as far as we have, and even though I still worry, I feel much more confident that should I go into labor tomorrow, at 32 weeks, Fetus’s survival rate is very very good. But no matter how many ways I try to cut it, I am just NOT a happy pregnant person. There’s a difference between happy to be having a baby and happy to be pregnant. I kind of had this feeling going in that I would not really like pregnancy all that much. In the grand scheme of things, I have a high threshold to pain. Having uterine surgeries and stabbing myself with needles will do that to you. My threshold for discomfort pains on the other hand, is very low, and I am very very lame.

I’ve made jokes about gestating being hard, but it really is. And while everyone is different, they don’t tell you that pregnancy hurts, they say it’s uncomfortable, I’m here to tell you that dudes, pregnancy HURTS. It’s not the kicking. I actually like the kicking. It’s comforting and fun to watch and it makes me happy. But right now, I picture my ribs to be pointing in 40 different directions. No matter what I do for them, it doesn’t alleviate the pain, and there’s only so much tylenol I can take. My back and my hips are in cohoots with eachother so that no matter which of the two positions I’m allowed to lay on (because seriously, they totally instill the fear of god into you when it comes to laying on your back. I’m like a Catholic school girl with the guilt whenever I lay on my back for more than five minutes), the right side, and the left side, it doesn’t matter. My body just laughs at me. And it’s wearing.

Now, if this is the worst it gets, then really, I know I shouldn’t bitch, because reading some of the pregnancy stories of my infertile bitches, it could be much worse, but seriously, I have like 7 more weeks of this pain and it’s slowly starting to drive me insane.


Tracy January 15, 2007 at 3:48 pm

Oh, I actually LIKED being pregnant, and it STILL hurt. Don’t be surprised though, if after you have the kiddo, you actually miss being pregnant.

Stephanie January 15, 2007 at 7:05 pm

Do you want me to lie to you and tell you that it does not get worse??? Seriously though it does end. I still can’t believe how much better I felt mere hours after Max was born even with the C section pain!

Camille January 15, 2007 at 7:49 pm

I loved being pregnant, but towards the end of my pregnancy with G I had this very uncomfortable back pain on the right side of my body. Guess what….I still have it. Its a muscle thing, but 2.7 years later I still get that uncomfortable feeling in that muscle quite often and have to have it massaged out. Just what you wanted to hear, I’m sure!

donna January 15, 2007 at 8:34 pm

I loved being pregnant and I agree that it hurt. Everywhere at different times, and sometimes everywhere at the same time. I still have a spot on my right leg that is numb. My doctor says it could be permanent nerve damage from being pregnant. Nice, huh?

mrsgryphon January 15, 2007 at 8:54 pm

I slept on my back my entire pregnancy… propped up on pillows on the bed, mind you, but still on my back because that was the only possible way I was going to comfortable enough to get any rest. And we have a healthy, brilliant, gorgeous little girl – no sign of trauma from the fact that I didn’t sleep on my side!

jen January 15, 2007 at 9:20 pm

I couldn’t believe how much my whole pelvis hurt. And my lower back? I SWORE something was herniated. Guh.

Jennifer January 15, 2007 at 10:14 pm

Sing it, sistah! I hated it too.

Gestational hypertension, horrible skin, throwing up stomach acid, aching ribs, bloated everything, my hip bone just willy nilly popping out of joint, dreams almost every night about drowning and/or driving off a cliff and/or being stabbed to death… SO MUCH FUN.

(I will never ever, ever miss being pregnant… Hence the only child.)

Chris January 16, 2007 at 5:17 am

Insane? Sure. But it’s all worth it. Then you’ll have a real person outside the womb who can drive you insane in so many new ways ;-)

Wait. Shit! I’m supposed to be reassuring and junk now. Sorry.

Steff January 16, 2007 at 5:30 am

Your darling little womb occupier will balance everything out very soon!

I dont know you for real, but this is the only time you have a really really good excuse to be bitchy, so enjoy it! :-) And enjoy the trip to insanity, it is really nice here!

Lenni January 16, 2007 at 5:42 am

I’m sorry you’re so uncomfortable! I totally had a dream last night that you were pregnant with twins and they were girls.

Minawolf January 16, 2007 at 5:51 am

Seriously. My husband and I always figured we’d have two. I’m at 19 weeks and already talking about never going through this again.

mel January 16, 2007 at 6:27 am

Hold UP! You can’t lay on your back? What sorta shit is that?

Jenn January 16, 2007 at 8:29 am

My peri said not to worry about laying on your back because it was getting to be a problem, you would know it. She was right, I couldn’t do it without getting dizzy and being able to breathe. But then I had 13 pounds of baby in there pressing on me.

I loved being pregnant, but yeah, it hurts a lot. Hang in there.

Micaela January 16, 2007 at 9:19 am

You forgot to mention the indigestion, heartburn, mood swings, stabbing cervical pains, being out of breath, gas, inability to poop regularly (OK, so you can), and the general feeling of bloatedness, hugeness. This is my first pregnancy, and I’d love to not do this again. I know exactly how you feel. Can you just hand me the baby? Adoption may be in our future if there is to be a child number two.

moi January 16, 2007 at 9:42 am

I’m surprized by the actual pain, the hurt that comes with pregancy, too. whichever side I lie on goes numb in the night and turning over is a major procedure.

it’s not just the growing pains, it’s the ‘my ribs are spreading apart’ pains. and they bloody well hurt. i’ve been surprized by the discomfort.

Linda January 16, 2007 at 10:48 am

Have you tried massage? I don’t know if it can help the pain but damn it’s worth a try to ease the pain you’re going through. God, I don’t know what else might help. The only thing that comes to mind is maybe to ease up on salt intake if you can? I hope that this passes quickly for you and that little miss/ter Norris stops giving you karate kicks 24/7.

Jenny January 16, 2007 at 10:51 am

I love your description of the guilt induced by lying on your back, I have felt the same way. My enjoyment of this pregnancy depends on how long it’s been since I’ve crapped. I guess that qualifies as whinning?

Faith January 16, 2007 at 10:54 am

Am I sick for thinking, “Heehee! And we get to watch!” at the end of this post?

I guess we only get to “watch” so long as you decide to post about it, but still. Hee!

I am a sick, sick fuck when it comes to other people’s pain, apparently. Never noticed that before now. Hm.

(If it makes you feel any better, I have horrible PMS cramps today, and I didn’t bring any Advil with me to work. It’s fuuuuun…)

Audrey January 16, 2007 at 1:13 pm

One of my weekly pregnancy updates told me today (I’m at 33 weeks) that it’s OK for a pregnant woman in the third trimester to sleep any way that she can, as she simply needs sleep. It even said “if it’s comfortable, sleep on your back or even your stomach.” (If I hadn’t deleted it, I would send it to you — sorry.) Maybe that will take away some of your guilt and you’ll get a bit more restful sleep; I hear we’re going to need it!!

PS I sleep on my back — it’s the only way that my reflux (thanks, pregnancy!) feels somewhat OK.

maggie January 16, 2007 at 1:13 pm

I know what you mean! A couple of nights ago my husband and I were in bed going to sleep (well he was going to sleep) when all the discomfort just came over me and I threw off the covers and stompped out of the room. I’m sure that surprised him a little!

Mel January 16, 2007 at 7:04 pm

you can sleep on your back and not hurt the baby. the only thing you might notice is your legs might go to sleep, but sleeping on your back has no negative impact on the baby. I hear breast feeding is tough too! :(

amy January 16, 2007 at 10:04 pm

Holy shit! I didn’t realize you have 7 weeks to go, although one would suppose that 7 weeks in pain may seem longer……
I am looking forward to nursery pictures(hint). You know, when the bastards send the replacement part.

Vanessa January 16, 2007 at 11:36 pm

Oh my bitchy pregnant comment was so not about you. I can point you in the direction of the whore woman that wound me up. I’m sure pregnancy is difficult and uncomfortable and painful (not like I’d KNOW or anything), but if you read this certain post, you’d agree that this woman should have her IVF pregnancy visit coupon revoked.

Vanessa January 16, 2007 at 11:36 pm

PS-can we say BONGOS?

Pamela January 17, 2007 at 1:37 am

Just a suggestion, this helped me when
I was getting towards the “end” of the picnic called “gestating”…

(It LOOKS really weird, but it is relief off the back & ribs:)

Get on your bed, or in front of TV, with your hands and elbows down, facing out.
Knees way parted,
lower your chin on your hands, either straight on, or turn your head.
Lower your boobs flat on the bed,
and raise your butt as far up as you can.

I think this is actually a yoga pose…

I hope it helps to relieve the pressure!

Kris January 17, 2007 at 6:55 am

And that’s exactly why people aren’t honest about what having a baby is really like. Not actual childbirth, but the lack of sleep, being covered in baby puke/poo and looking like you belong walking through a graveyard in the mist – the constant worry…need I go on? I didn’t think so.

If we knew the full truth, we’d never get pregnant, the population growth would come to a screeching halt, and the world would end as we know it.

And this is why I will NEVER be pregnant again. (Well that and a couple of other reasons. *snurk*)

Kathy January 17, 2007 at 10:08 am

I don’t miss being pregnant too much. It’s worth it but holy shit what a literal pain in the ass, ribs, hips, legs, etc…

waiting line January 17, 2007 at 8:20 pm

tell it like it is – and, PLEASE bitch all you want!

coloratura January 18, 2007 at 1:41 am

Oh, you crabby fat lady, you! All I’m gonna’ say is thanks for telling it like it is. Nobody does that. Just like nobody tells you that if you’re 30 you need to be thinking about having a baby. NOW. So thanks for being on the real. Maybe I’ll get there, maybe I won’t but give it to me straight, any day.

I’m not even going to picture you doing that yoga pose, but if you try it, I hope it helps.

What about a chiropractor?

Take it easy, my dear.

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