Pop goes the weasel.

by statia on December 19, 2006

I read a bunch of those pregnancy calendars on an infrequent basis. Most of them have little blips like “baby opens its eyes this week” and that sort of thing. Some of them say the stupidest things that make you scared shitless. I like the more detailed ones that give you a lowdown of what’s really going on. And most of them tell you: “welcome to the third trimester, the trimester of all things shitty feeling.” And they fail to tell you that it’s instantaneous. Somewhere along the way, I’ve popped, but I didn’t really notice it until the last few days. I’ve now resorted to having to rock myself back and forth to get momentum to roll out of bed, or get up off the floor. It’s a sight to behold, the fat pig wrestling to get off her back. Other things I’ve noticed:

My bladder became completely flattened by a big headed baby, overnight. I feel like one of those people in an incontinence commercials, except thankfully, I haven’t pissed myself yet, but there’s still time. My nightly pee count is up to about 5. Let’s all damn my husband and his unusually large head that he’s genetically passed onto his child. I am however, happy that Fetus didn’t inherit my unusually small head. Because lets face it, unusually small is much more awkward looking.

I also now suffer from an acute case of Fat Head™ We were trying to take our “family” Christmas picture last weekend to send to relatives, until at which point I realized I have been walking around in public with a fat face and I had no idea. Suffice to say people will NOT be getting pictures of us for Christmas, because while I have hot hair and hot skin, it’s totally negated by Fat Head™

I’m not really complaining, honestly, because there’s nothing I can do about it at this point, except relinquish the fact that we’re coming down the home stretch. Even though it seems like an eternity, I’ll have my body back soon, and of course, the best thing out of all of this, our child.

Until then, I probably should avoid public places as not to scare people with my ginormously fat face and coming soon to a pair of underwear near you, adult diapers.

{ 11 comments }

Audrey December 19, 2006 at 10:54 am

I just hit 29 weeks and last night said to my husband “I actually FEEL pregnant” which made him laugh hysterically, since I’ve got the belly, pee all the time, eat all the time, etc. I guess I’m glad it took me this long to feel pregnant (waddle, sore lower back, can’t roll over by myself, have a hard time getting out of my favorite chair by myself…you know, the usual), but I can see it getting really old, really fast!

I’ll see you at the grocery store, next to the Depends.

Robber Barren December 19, 2006 at 12:26 pm

Yeah, this is pretty sucky, but let me tell you…I’l take it over first trimester (constipation! vomiting! intractable exhaustion!) any day.

Steff December 19, 2006 at 12:31 pm

Panty liners are more comfortable :-)

jesser December 19, 2006 at 12:38 pm

We bought this one book called Pregnancy Week-By-Week or something and we have dubbed it the Doomsday Pregnancy book because in addition to the interesting things it tells you each week, it also covers all the things that could possibly go wrong and has week-long guilt trips about everything from nutrition to bathing! YAY! So now I read the first two paragraphs of each week and skip ahead until next week. Great use of $20 tho.

robyn December 19, 2006 at 3:06 pm

I guess I should probably warn you that after my first, my bladder permanently stayed in its third-trimester state. That never got better – and judging by the fact my mom and grandma had the same issues after their pregnancies – well let’s just say don’t be near me if I sneeze. I’m not responsible. *achoo*

waiting line December 19, 2006 at 8:25 pm

LOL!! (…not laughing AT you, just laughing WITH you – of course!)

Chris December 20, 2006 at 6:50 am

At least it’s not summer. I mean, you could be miserable AND hot.

Melissa December 20, 2006 at 1:51 pm

Good luck on that “getting your body back” thing!! I am 5 weeks out of my c-section and everything I have has been re-distributed!! I am begining to think that I will never have my body back. Let me know how it goes!!

Kathy December 20, 2006 at 2:05 pm

Since having a baby I can pee double and I get better distance. And I shit cotton candy. And Pez.

Jenny December 21, 2006 at 8:42 am

You are not alone in fatheadedness. I can hardly get a shirt of my giant noggin these days.

girl December 23, 2006 at 9:07 am

gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now. gotta go, gotta go, gotta goooo.

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