by statia on November 20, 2006

Being pregnant early on, you don’t really worry so much about things like pre-term labor. You mainly worry about keeping the kid alive until the second trimester, and THEN you start worrying about pre-term labor. I can honestly say that I went for maybe a full 3 weeks where I didn’t worry about anything except where the hell the Halloween candy was being stored.

Being a first time pregnant person, I have no idea what the hell is normal and what the hell I should call my doctor for, but given that I’ve been having contractions on and off all weekend, even though I was busy, I decided that I should err on the side of caution (read: Even though there was some stubble in the undercarriage, the Meester basically slapped me in the head with a side of who the fuck cares if you’re sporting winter bush (so not sporting winter bush), call the damn doctor) and call the doctor. Who worked me in and gave me a good wanding. Oh dildocam, how I missed thee?

The verdict is that while my child is repeatedly ramming his/her head into my cervix, everything seems to be fine, except that my cervix is on the short side of normal. Apparently everything in my genetic make up points to midget stature, and my cervix does not disappoint. Needless to say, the doctor loves us and gave me these words of wisdom: “if you’re thinking about calling, you should probably call.” I was sent home with an RX for terbutaline and orders to take it easy (“I know I told you to get some exercise, but…..”) I narrowly missed a date with labor and delivery, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to fist me again next week.

Coincidentally, it’s housework that causes the contractions. I was given strict orders not to vacuum the entire house. Well, hell, sign me up.

I may bitch about pregnancy sucking a good portion of the time, because lets face it, I can’t drink, and I can’t sleep on my stomach, and these two things just make me kind of cranky, but really, this child needs to stay put and bake a little bit longer. Honestly, I’m trying to escape bed rest, which are words that were casually thrown around in todays appointment. I’m not happy about it, but if that’s what it takes to bring Fetus home as a full term baby, well then I suppose this is definitely not the worst thing that could happen.

Also, everyone must have poop soap.


Lisa November 20, 2006 at 2:48 pm

Ack, labor and delivery. I won 3 separate trips to labor and delivery. While the nurses rocked, forced bed rest via the hospital sucks the large turd. My OB/GYN and maternal/fetal doctors told me the same thing about vacuuming. And grocery shopping. And doing laundry. Yeah, it was great. But the little turd is now 7.5 months, and perfectly healthy. It sucks, but it’s all worth it in the end. ; )

Robber Barren November 20, 2006 at 3:01 pm

Holy fuck that’s scary. And could have been so much scarier. But I guess the “no housework” is a perk…

DD November 20, 2006 at 4:19 pm

You just have to bring on the drama, don’t you.

Email me your address and I’ll arrange to have some poop (soap) sent to you in time for your mandated bed-rest (which I’m really hoping actually won’t happen).

It’s funny how they say to drink lots of fluid, but then that always seems counterproductive since then there’s all the up and down required for peeing purposes.

amber November 20, 2006 at 4:21 pm

Starting at about 20 weeks Francesca would kick me so hard in the cervix I thought for sure she’d kick right out. I was always expecting a foot to be dangling out of my hoo ha. And in my Scrubs-like fantasy I’d simply tuck it back in with my index finger and keep right on going.

Teenuh November 20, 2006 at 5:33 pm

Yikes. That’s pretty scary! Have they talked about doing a cerclage? Dr Google says they are done in the 2nd trimester (granted you’re over halfway through but still technically in it!) so I would think it would still be an option given your wanding. It would be nice to avoid the bed rest thing. Especially once you start getting your nesting urges. My best friend was on bedrest for her first pg and she said she had dreams of pools of Lysol to clean her house.

It wouldn’t be horrible to have to be on bed rest though, you could take up something like knitting! ;)

Best of luck to you keeping fetus housed!

Lisa November 20, 2006 at 8:22 pm

Rude little bugger! I hope that the baking continues on schedule.


Tracy November 20, 2006 at 9:23 pm

If it’s doable for you and the meester, maybe get a maid just for a bit? I don’t know if your dogs shed like ours, but that’s the #1 reason I vacuum – freakin’ dog hair. If the meester can’t keep up with it for you, having a maid come in once a week or every other week is *so* worth it. Or, differently put – Cost of maid is better than cost of you not working due to forced bed rest? (Or in my case, cost of sanity lost due to dog hair building up along my baseboards…)

Jenn November 21, 2006 at 5:44 am

I was told to call for 4 or more contractions an hour. Then I started having them every five minutes for a few weeks and they just said to call if I was in labor. Like I knew what that was.

Glad you have a long cervix. And poop soap? Ew. :)

Chris November 21, 2006 at 5:52 am

Yes, hire a maid. Plus it appears you get all the benefits of being a midget without being tossed!

(Sorry. I don’t know where that came from. It was funny in my head.)

Take care of yourself and the little one!

jesser November 21, 2006 at 6:37 am

Great! Something else to worry about. I’m totally confused about this “contractions” thing though. They say they could be totally painless and still be cause for alarm. Which I don’t understand … how the hell do you differentiate them from say … gas? Maybe I’m just dense. Glad fetus is still set to bake for a while longer. Enjoy the reprieve from housework.

Micaela November 21, 2006 at 6:43 am

I can relate to what Jesse R. posted. I’m 26 weeks and the baby is definitely poking me in the cervix some days, almost as if there’s going to be an air leak if he or she doesn’t stop it. At the same time, I’m having what I think are horrendous gas pains. I ate half of a hot fudge sundae on Sunday (ok, three-fourths, poor husband), and then walked around leisurely in Goodwill in hopes of finding baby items cheap. All of a sudden I had what I think are sharp uterine cramps low in my belly. At first I thought, that’ll teach me, no hot fudge sudae for me. Then I thought, giant gas bubble in lower abdomen. But it was pretty intense, they could just be Braxton Hicks. This is my first and I don’t know what the hell to expect from my body, and it is annoying the shit out of me. You are not alone in this.

geeky November 21, 2006 at 8:39 am

hrm… getting out of doing chores might be worth getting knocked up for.

poop ornament?

Steff November 21, 2006 at 12:04 pm

I could provoke contractions by not drinking enough water, I would get dehydrated and things would go crazy.

Take very good care of yourself!

mel November 21, 2006 at 7:04 pm

eeee! Take it easy and take full advantage of all the rest you can get now!!

robyn November 21, 2006 at 8:26 pm

Did N have a talk with Fetus when he stole my cell? Because N so pulled this crap on me. First kids, I tell ya’…

beagle November 22, 2006 at 8:46 am

An official excuse not to vacuum? I like it!

I hope Fetus lets up on your poor cervix!

Kathy November 22, 2006 at 8:51 am

Fetus thinks your cervix is the “more food” button.

Beth November 22, 2006 at 4:17 pm

Kid is just fucking with you, I promise.

coloratura November 30, 2006 at 11:19 am

I’m a little late to the party, but I think you need a full-time maid right about now. Get your feet up on that coffee table and don’t take ‘em down, that’s what I say. Meals on trays? By all means!

Take care of yourself, sweetie. I’m sure all is fine and will continue as such…

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