Hush little baby

by statia on November 10, 2006

Last night we took the first of many Baby Preparedness™ classes. It was the 3 hour infant care class, which is held on a damn weeknight, from 7-10pm, and way past my bed time. I would rather do this on a weekend, but all of them are on weeknights, but whatever.

People, infant care classes are comedy gold. They show you dated dvd’s and videos of every day people with their new infant, so that it’s totally unrehearsed (but still kind of rehearsed) of all the things that you should and shouldn’t do. Including: letting your infant son pee on you. I know I’m seven, but showing me actual video of poopy diapers and how to insert a rectal thermometer is just too much for me. My seven-ness will shine through. But I can now identify types of baby poop like it’s my j-o-b.

They also showed a bit of the video based on the book, “The Happiest Baby On the Block” which I found funnier than anything. I’m not knocking the basic principles of this book. It’s definitely something I could get into. One of the “5 S’s” that is preached is SHHHHing. And I’m not talking just a light shhh, no, this guy was blowing a full on onion and garlic spit breathed wind tunnel in this baby’s ear. Of course the baby calmed down immediately, but the look on this kid’s face was priceless. It was a look of pissed off confusion. I can only imagine if he was able to talk, he’d have said something like “who turned on the industrial sized fan directly onto my fucking eardrum?” No wonder the kid shut up immediately.

There is one thing though, that I don’t agree with on his end, mainly from the horror factor, and that’s his theory that there’s a “missing 4th trimester” and that our babies are born three months too soon.

And to that I give a hearty fuck you, Dr. Karp, because something tells me that if there was an extra three months gestation, the murder rate would go up.

{ 12 comments }

Lut C. November 10, 2006 at 2:41 pm

LOL, 4th trimester murder rate.

Faith November 10, 2006 at 2:43 pm

What? It’s a “missing trimester??” I’ve never heard of this shit (as I am not interested in kiddos, although I applaud those that have them and raise them to be KICK ASS individuals like ourselves…), but where the hell did the guy come up with that? If a baby had 3 more months to grow inside of the womb, I could only imagine it would then become way too fuckin’ huge to then come OUT OF said womb. So, what, every woman starts getting c-sections no matter what?

What is the baby supposed to be gaining by remaining in the womb for an additional 3 months, pray tell?

Erin November 10, 2006 at 6:13 pm

Honestly, my daughter could have used about 10 more trimesters in the womb judging from how pissed off she was as a result of being born.

I’m mixed on that book. My baby never, ever, ever stayed swaddled. She busted out of every damn swaddle out there. The “amazing miracle blanket” that book talks about is an amazing piece of shit.

geeky November 10, 2006 at 7:13 pm

doesn’t the dog whisperer do the “shh!” thing too? i didnt know that worked on kids.

SSFB November 10, 2006 at 7:41 pm

The Shh thing does indeed work on kids. Since we’ve started watching the dog whisperer, my husband has started using it on his highschool students.

Donna November 10, 2006 at 9:35 pm

I bet a woman never said that children should be in the womb for three extra months. Fourth trimester my ass.

asha November 11, 2006 at 10:32 am

Just want to clarify the whole 4th trimester thing. Humans are the only primates that give birth to young that depend on parental care during the first three months of life for absolute survival. A suggested reason for this is an evolutionary change that allowed our babies to be born three months early, otherwise, as one commenter already hinted at, most babies and mothers would die during the labor process because the head of the baby would not pass through the vaginal canal. Therefore, some people suggest the first three months of life are the final gestation period for new babies – consider, babies grow at an amazing rate during this time, faster than any other time. This same kind of growth is not seen in other primates during the first three months of life – but it is seen in their final trimester in utero.

Beth November 11, 2006 at 12:05 pm

I want to tell you something very important – I have a 15 month old child and have never, ever had cause to use the rectal thermometer. Armpit is good enough for almost everything, I promise you. It’s a small thing, but it’s something.

girl November 11, 2006 at 1:36 pm

Why in the hell would anyone ever WANT to use a rectal thermometer when, like Beth said, you can do the underarm thing with a normal thermometer or buy an ear one or the temple ones that came out fairly recently? I mean, really, you’ll be seeing your kid’s ass enough with all of the poo and pee you’ll be cleaning up. Why stick a damn thermometer up there too?

amber November 13, 2006 at 12:04 pm

Laugh all you want…the 5 S’s worked (for the most part). My baby just turned 3 months and I tell you…NIGHT AND DAY. If she could have somehow been born last week my life would have been a whole lot easier. I would have gladly carried her 2-3 more months if I could have birthed this lovely, smiling 3 month-old-baby…and not the squishy, screaming, lump they sent me home from the hospital with. I seriously was eyeing her…and then my crotch…judging if I could shove her back in for a few more weeks.

Thermometers…I bought and USED the rectal one cuz the Dr.s said it was the best way. I totally regret it. Poor baby and poor mommy! I swear the rectal thermometer was more traumatic for the both of us than natural child birth was! Armpit all the way!

robyn November 13, 2006 at 1:15 pm

I’ll never forget when my MIL was insisting I couldn’t get an accurate reading under the arm with a thermometer and she would show me how to use a rectal one (like I didn’t know how – I just didn’t want to do it). So I dug out the rectal version, handed it to her, and she inserted it — as my oldest promptly shat all over her hand. And thus endeth the lesson as she went to clean herself up. And I wiped him off and took his temp under-arm.

Chris November 14, 2006 at 5:16 am

Yeah, screw Karp. You’re right about the murder rate but there is something to that 4th trimester thing. You’ll see what I’m talking about.

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