Pregnancy is weird

by statia on October 4, 2006

Pregnancy makes weird shit happen. Like your family coming out of the woodwork. I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s very surreal to me and I should have expected this to happen, but I’m still not really sure what to make of it.

Also at some point you will start to make grunting noises when you get up off the sofa. These are the sorts of things no one tells you. Or that your boobs will weigh 47lbs each. I feel bad for you ladies that are sporting DD’s and larger, because man, if I had the money? I’d pay for your breast reductions. I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. The amount of pain makes me want to cry and honestly, I haven’t hit the DD’s… yet. But remember, back in the day, say maybe ohhh, two months ago, when I was freaking out about those maternity pants with the gay elastic waistbands? The ones that I now embrace even though they’re gay as hell, they are very comfortable and also, might I had, have no button bump under your shirt that makes you look like you’re sporting a very large freakish belly button? Yeah, I’m blowing through those like a person with diahrrea in a toilet paper factory. Please tell me if I’ve gained 10ish (the ish MIGHT leave room or a pound or two, or five) pounds that I shouldn’t be outgrowing these pants at such an alarming rate. My thighs, they mock me.

I’m still really not sure about this whole movement thing. I honestly really think it’s just gas because it’s not really like I feel anything with any sort of regularity, which totally brings me back to those good old days of “dead baby?” Then again, this kid, totally already loves to give her (no, we don’t know what it is) Mama a coronary by doing whatever she can to freak me the fuck out. Stupid asshole baby.

If I could sleep, I would sleep right through March. At least then I’d avoid the whole grunting noises thing.


Merrin October 4, 2006 at 4:29 pm

I think I’ll pick up some maternity pants just ‘cuz. Have you considered becoming a maternity pants spokesmodel?

donna October 4, 2006 at 5:23 pm

I love my maternity pants. For comfort reasons only of course. They are gay. But oh how nice the feel on the belly.

The only way I knew it was movement and not gas was that there was no farting at the end of all that rumbling. Now it just feels like my belly has a life all its own.

Robber Barren October 4, 2006 at 5:49 pm

My dear, I was a DD before I got pregnant. You don’t wanna know my curent bra size, and I’m only 21 weeks along!

EJW October 4, 2006 at 5:54 pm

Re: the grunting- you should me at yoga class. I sound like I’m 80 years old. Every sit, stand, reach around your left ear, etc. I make some involuntary noise.

Beth October 4, 2006 at 7:14 pm

You are going to so love it when even the hugest most ridiculous maternity pants won’t fit over the asshole baby.

Amy October 4, 2006 at 7:25 pm

Can I just say how much I love that you’re going through all of this?? Not in a schaedenfruede way, but I’m just giddy that you’re knocked up!! :-)

Tracy October 5, 2006 at 6:13 am

Uh…if you think your boobs are heavy now…wait until after the baby. I know you said you’re not breastfeeding and all, so I’m not sure how much of it you’ll go through, but good gawd almighty – when your milk comes in, that is when your boobs hurt and are REALLY heavy. And some men find that sexy. Which I SO don’t get.

girl October 5, 2006 at 7:05 am

dude, I totally grunt when I get off of my chaise (and I’m most certainly not with fetus). in fact, when Boy and I are both sitting on it, I make him push me up. I holler, “BOOST!” when I can’t get enough momentum to get on my feet.

Tracy – I thought there was something that women can take or an injection of some sort that will stop milk from coming in if you don’t intend to breast feed? unless, of course, you want to pump (that sounds like a whole helluva lot of fun!)

Ms. Pants October 5, 2006 at 7:25 am

1) schaedenfruede is one of the coolest words ever so Amy gets megapoints

2) you called it a stupid asshole baby and i love that because that’s probably what i’m going to call it too! hee.

3) there is no number 3

Jenny October 5, 2006 at 7:28 am

Hibernation is wasted on the animal world.

Chris October 5, 2006 at 8:06 am

It’ll all pass and be totally worth it.

Tracy October 5, 2006 at 8:56 am

Schaedenfruede IS cool, but “it’s hot” when said by James Spader.

fran October 6, 2006 at 3:16 pm

ha, you haven’t even had the baby it’s already making you his/her bitch…this amuses… :P

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