“hey honey, can you wipe my ass?”

by statia on October 13, 2006

Let me just state, for the record, that I am not that big in the realm of pregnancy yet. Sure, I feel like I’m on the accelerated pregnancy expansion program, but when you get right down to it, I probably look like a “normal” person for my gestational age. Or something.

However, even though I’m not that big, the issue of shaving the undercarriage area has died. Clock it. Dead and buried. Fin. Surely, I know SOME of you are laughing (and you know who you are) because you think that I’m going to just say “fuck it”, and accept the fact that I’m going to look like a 70′s porn flick. Lo, you would be wrong.

I have to say that the Meester doesn’t show a whole lot of excitement regarding this pregnancy. I mean, I can’t say as I blame him. With me walking around for the first trimester calling “it” dead baby. Also? We didn’t really think so much that this would work. And, let’s not forget the whole “Big Baby Superstore” scenario, which I’m still recovering from that exit wound. And probably the entrance wound too. But I will say that when it comes to a lot of things, he’s stepped up to the plate. Like my neverending need for all things heartburn relief. Or retrieving my endless supply of water, because I’ve suddenly become a defective camel. Or dragging the 80 pound lovesac into the living room because all of a sudden the sofa makes my whole body hurt and really I didn’t think the whole lovesac idea through too well because now he is my lovesac fluffer and the one to help me up out of the lovesac because I can’t get out of the damn thing. Adding to this ever expanding list, his two newest jobs are my shoe (and sock) bitch, and resident shaver. And if you think I’m kidding, well, you’ll just have to take my word for it, because I’m sure has hell not showing you my undercarriage.

And honestly if there’s anything that’s worth it in the name of pregnancy? It’s having a resident undercarriage shaver.


April October 13, 2006 at 11:11 am


DD October 13, 2006 at 11:14 am

He shaves and fluffs your lovesac???!

Wait, that didn’t come out right.

Maybe some day you can return the favor…on both counts.

Kate October 13, 2006 at 11:23 am

Dude. My ex used to slice the crap out of my legs when he tried to shave them for the fun of it.

Hell if I’m letting a man near my undercarriage with a sharp object (I almost wrote pointy object, but, well…)

Lut C. October 13, 2006 at 11:26 am

I’ll really be impressed if he keeps it up after, you know. :-)

Kevin Donahue October 13, 2006 at 11:27 am

OMG. Your kidding, right?

jen October 13, 2006 at 11:27 am

My hubby stepped up as well to handle the uh, undercarriage maintenance. I could only shave to my knees LOL.

And, luckily (for him) he did not ever cut me!

Merrin October 13, 2006 at 11:55 am

I’m with kate. No way in hell that I’m letting Kevin anywhere NEAR my undercarriage with a razor (not like he would, anyway).

buzz October 13, 2006 at 12:02 pm

Meester got the job?? That’s unbelievable! And here I thought that my interview went so well! Dang!

Jen October 13, 2006 at 12:41 pm

Yeaaah… Aaron shaved my undercarriage for me, too. ;)

SSFB October 13, 2006 at 12:52 pm

aaahahahaha. I love it!

mel October 13, 2006 at 1:02 pm

you mean he wasn’t shaving you to begin with? My husband told me that’s what husbands are supposed to do ;)

Kathy October 13, 2006 at 1:04 pm

I am so buying him a pussy snorkel for Christmas.

Shannon October 13, 2006 at 1:05 pm

:) too funny – Good work enlisting him!

donna October 13, 2006 at 1:15 pm

My husband has also become my sock bitch.

As for the undercarriage, I use the mirror to clean up with the clippers/trimmers thingie to avoid what my husband has affectionately called the Pussy Puff, and for when it mattered (i.e. a trip to the beach in June) I took two tylenol and sucked up a trip to the bikini waxer.

I’m contemplating a wax before my hospital stay. I don’t want to be the cha-cha that scares the nurses.

thalia October 13, 2006 at 2:12 pm

there are professionals to do that for you…waxing doesn’t hurt nearly as much as you think it does!

Beth October 13, 2006 at 3:16 pm

No shit – I am with you Statia. Seriously, the day I was released from the hospital I told Himself it was time to handle the 70′s bush for me. I kept hearing Abba play and the nurses tried to tell me it was me hearing things from dehydration – but I knew better…

geeky October 13, 2006 at 3:44 pm

that Meester is a man of endless talents!

Chris October 13, 2006 at 5:08 pm

Seriously I have no words. I’m just giggling like a 12 year old.

Jenn October 14, 2006 at 7:39 am

Lol, reminds of a bit Lewis Black did. He said if he ever won the lottery he wouldn’t spend it on big houses or expensive cars. He’d get his own personal ball washer.

Ben October 14, 2006 at 11:33 am

Hey, I am a long time reader, but I don’t think I have ever commented. I was going to email you about this, but I couldn’t find your email address. I ran across a porn site with a chick that looks just like you on it. I don’t know if it’s you or a lookalike. Is it you? I wont post a link because I don’t think you would want that here.

Linda October 15, 2006 at 2:01 am

You are one brave soul to let a man, any man, near your nether regions with a razor!!

For god’s sake girl…go and get yerself a wax!!! This is one of the most hilarious posts I’ve read in a while. LOL!!!

girl October 15, 2006 at 6:04 pm

The husband just told me that he’d gladly shave my “undercarriage.” we’ll see when it comes down to that.

robyn October 17, 2006 at 7:05 pm

Huzzah – I have you beat somewhere! I may have not shaved my legs after the second trimester with either kid. Ok, after the trimester with the first kid. But I shaved my ‘undercarriage’ MYSELF for both pregnancies the ENTIRE time. I was lifting that belly and shoving it over to the side at the mirror even at week 38. So well, they didn’t even have to shave me in pre-op. Either time. So there.

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