Is that the Herp?

by statia on September 7, 2006

As we start to get into the second trimester and we’re slowly dispersing the news to real life people, I’ve been preparing myself for what sphinxy lovingly called “The world is my doctor.”. There’s always going to be some jackass to be the first in line to dispense their unsolicited advice to you. I don’t know if they think it’s a right of passage or what, but I’m not one to be unprepared when it comes to dealing with this sort of thing. Early on, I thought it’d be best if I had a few t-shirts created for me to wear in public to avoid 1. Advice and 2. people touching me. Because even if they’re going to give advice (which in these cases, I’m glad that I have a raging case of ADD and can completely go off into my own little world), they BEST not be touching me if they know what’s good for them. I’m not a touchy person by nature and the thought of a complete stranger rubbing my stomach is enough to cause me to instinctively grab their hand in a twisting motion, flip them, kick them in the crotch and scream NO!!!!! Just like they taught you in all of those self defense classes. And because we have this kid on the way, I’d rather not have to give birth in jail. Not to mention the legal fees. This kid’s going to need diapers.

So the world needs at least two t-shirts for aggro people like me:

Fig. 1
noadvice.jpg.

Because if you try to give me advice, a big red lightning bolt will come down and make you fall backwards. We all know how much that can hurt.

Fig. 2
rash.jpg

Do I really need to go into anymore details? Would you touch someone wearing this shirt?

So if you see me on the street, do not touch and don’t tell me how your roomate’s friend’s sister in law’s baby only slept on odd numbered days for 3 hours at a time.

{ 22 comments }

Merrin September 7, 2006 at 5:14 pm

i’ve never understood why people feel the need to touch. On the other hand, I’m just gonna stick my belly out as far as it will go, and when people ask me when I’m due, they’ll get the shock of their life when I tell them I’m just fat.

Alison September 7, 2006 at 5:41 pm

omg, I so would buy and wear the do not touch tshirt, even though I’m not pregnant. Put ‘em on cafepress or something!

Melissa September 7, 2006 at 5:53 pm

I would love to own those shirts!! I am sooooo sick of advice from other people. If I didn’t feel like I was smart enough to raise a kid I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I can honestly say that I have not had any complete strangers touching me, or even ask if they can touch my belly. But get ready for this comment, from pretty much everyone, “Wow look at how big you are!!”, or this one, which I really hate, “Are you sure there aren’t two in there!?”. That’s just a round about way of saying, “Damn you’ve gained a lot of weight!!.” But other than that I love being pregnant! I hope you enjoy your pregnancy too!!!

Lisa September 7, 2006 at 8:02 pm

Those are great signs. I never understood the strangers wanting to touch the pregnant woman thing at all.

Donna September 7, 2006 at 8:42 pm

It irks me to no end how pregnant women become public property. Not only does it seem OK to touch them, but you can ask any embarrassing question at all! I’m glad you are taking a hard stand against this behavior, Statia, you are just the girl to start the revolution.

MsPrufrock September 7, 2006 at 8:47 pm

Don’t forget, you’ll need money for formula too. You know, as you’re doing your kid such a disservice by not breastfeeding. Bah.

Anyway, no one ever tried to touch my stomach when I was pregnant. It was a great fear of mine, but I suppose my body language and psycho bitch face must have put people off.

I’m afraid however that no one is immune from assvice. It comes fast and hard from all directions. Hey now. The usual suspects are “You’ll never get any sleep!” and “You think you have no time to get things done now, just wait until the baby gets here!” Fuckers.

Chris September 8, 2006 at 5:44 am

From my experience and what Beth’s told me, wannabe doctors come out of the woodwork when they see pregnant women…and people just get uber-stupid. Just don’t kill anyone, k?

girl September 8, 2006 at 6:14 am

I’d still touch you, although I’d probably touch your boob.

Lori September 8, 2006 at 6:27 am

I don’t want to get you too excited but I’ve been spared belly touching and random medical advice from strangers. Oh, that’s right, I’m on bedrest. Forget it.
Make the t-shirts. They’re perfect.

zoone September 8, 2006 at 6:29 am

I’ve never been pregnant, but if I was I would be FIRST in line to buy the “do not touch” shirt.

geeky September 8, 2006 at 6:31 am

yet another reason why i shouldn’t have kids – if i was pregnant and some stranger tried to touch me, i’d kick them in the taint. can i get the rash shirt even if i’m not pregnant?

Teresa September 8, 2006 at 6:52 am

I want that first shirt, and I am not even pregnant. You see, even after the kid comes, people are going to be giving you even more advice. You know, about how to get your kid to eat, sleep, poop-whatever. What people lack in any sort of intelligence they more than make up in stupidity.

Camille September 8, 2006 at 10:15 am

I was really lucky and didn’t have some stranger touch me. And I think I only had a few friends touch me without asking – but since they were friends I didn’t care much.

Please make the shirts and take a photo of yourself wearing them in public when you’re belly is full on!

thalia September 8, 2006 at 11:11 am

You could feed that formula habit by starting to sell those on cafe press…

Faith September 8, 2006 at 11:13 am

Ok, you know what’d be funny? If you took to holding a lit cigarette while out in public (but not indoors, of course…), and ordering something that looks like a drink whenever you go out…like shots of gingerale. Order one, and then tell the server (loudly and authoritatively) to “keep ‘em coming!” And keep a camera on you so you can shoot quick shots of the best looks you get from strangers!

I’m easily entertained. That’d be funny to me, anyway.

Asha September 8, 2006 at 11:25 am

man, i love the comments on your blog as much as i enjoy your blog itself!

Statia — i think you actually need three shirts. As you know, a lot of people are stoopid and need things to be as explicit as possible: they won’t get that by ‘Medical Advice’, you mean PREGNANCY Advice (cos baybees come from any combination of god, crack and wine-n-relaxin’. Whaddya mean there’s MEDICINE involved?).

Sara September 8, 2006 at 8:08 pm

I must look unfriendly – no strangers try to touch my belly. In fact, only my mom and 2 best friends have – and they asked first.

isabel September 9, 2006 at 9:19 pm

Hilarious!

Fawn September 9, 2006 at 9:54 pm

My favorite shirt to wear when I’m rockin’ the BIG belly says “I put out on the first date” it’s not actually a maternity shirt but I found it when I was 8 months pregnant with my son and just had to have it.

coloratura September 10, 2006 at 11:39 am

I promise not to touch you. I think you should consider biting people who rub without permission.

I know about the robots.txt thing… just was hoping I didn’t have to do that, but I probably should.

I am so thrilled that you are in semester 2… this is going to be a homerun for you, I can just feel it. Hang in there, chickita!

Jenny September 11, 2006 at 12:27 pm

This post reminds me of my mom. 24yrs since her last baby and she still goes into a rage at the thought of asshats touching her stomach. I’d almost prefer the touching over the assvice.

Cass January 4, 2008 at 11:31 am

I came across your blog today in someones blog roll and you just sounded like someone I would be friends with. And I did the math to figure out when you were 3 months pregnant and started reading – oh because I am 3 months pregnant – I wasn’t doing the math because I’m some kind of freak. If you did have the rash T-shirt made – any chance you made an extra? My family started to touch me and I’m all freaked out…my uncles should not be reaching in the direction towards my crouch….I don’t care what I have in here. Your blog is exactly what i needed to get through Friday afternoon. Thanks!

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