You can’t call a baby an asshole.

by statia on August 30, 2006

We had our Nuchal Translucency scan today. The pants on kind of ultrasounds do exist people. I’m living proof. Complete with warm goo.

Fetus is an asshole. I can tell you already, without a doubt that this is our child. When you go through IVF, you tend to worry “what if there was a mix up in the lab?” I don’t worry so much anymore. Fetus is so our child that he’s (for argument’s sake, we have no clue what Fetus is, but “it” is so last season, so for the purpose of this entry, I’ll just say he right now) already “DAMN THE MAN” when it comes to “being told what to do.” Apparently, they need to be in a certain position for this special scan to take place and Fetus? Well, no, Fetus wasn’t having any of that. Fetus was on his on his side, kind of on his face. Despite multiple attempts of me emptying my bladder, jiggling the fat on my stomach, and coughing, 20 minutes later, Fetus is still just sitting there, probably flipping us the bird. When fetus was damn good and ready, he finally decided to just casually flip over. After that, the woman couldn’t get a good read on the folds so we had to move to yet another room where I was sure that Fetus would be all like “you had your chance bitches, I’m taking a nap.” Instead he decided to play nice, which was mighty white of him because I was getting tired of having my fat jiggled.

Then, Fetus demanded a gyro RIGHT THAT VERY MINUTE and redeemed himself. Then I proceeded to suck it down in less than five minutes.

This kid has already shaved years off my life.

{ 16 comments }

donna August 30, 2006 at 1:53 pm

Ha! I guess it’s true that you have some personality traits from conception. At least you are sure he’s yours now….

Lisa August 30, 2006 at 2:18 pm

Not to laugh at your suffering, but this entity in your body sure is having a good time. :) xoxox, Lisa

Erin August 30, 2006 at 3:26 pm

Probably one of the best episodes of SATC ever.

fran August 30, 2006 at 3:33 pm

“jiggle the fat”

ha! ;)

robyn August 30, 2006 at 5:17 pm

p0wn3d.

Donna August 30, 2006 at 5:45 pm

Good thing the kid is shaving years off your life right now, cuz I have a strong suspicion he will be adding lots of years to it after he gets around to vacating your uterus.

Chris August 30, 2006 at 5:59 pm

…and welcome to parenthood.

Lenni August 30, 2006 at 6:52 pm

Thats hysterical. I love it.

geeky August 30, 2006 at 7:27 pm

hey, he’s still got two trimesters left, he’s not in any hurry. just wait till next month when he asks for a recliner!

mac August 30, 2006 at 7:39 pm

Is it wrong that I feel very compelled to have a onesie printed up that reads “Fetus says: Damn the Man! Save the Empire!”?

gutterfly August 30, 2006 at 8:04 pm

When they hooked us up with a non-stress test and we could hear every movement in surround sound I could have sworn Fade said “screw you assholes,muahahaaa” before he did 15 flips in 15 mins and they couldn’t chase him fast enough to get a heart beat.He’s almost 2 now and his personality has not changed one bit from then.He acted exactly like me in the womb and out.

Faith August 31, 2006 at 10:14 am

Oh my god…you should SOOO name it Fetus!

Teresa August 31, 2006 at 3:18 pm

Ha, ha-welcome to parenthood!

waiting line August 31, 2006 at 4:33 pm

freakin’ hilarious!!! he’s yours alright! ;-)

BL September 1, 2006 at 3:58 am

Good luck to you. I’m still in the damn peeing on a stick phase. taking my temp every morning. overlaying charts… obsessing. so it doesn’t end after this does it????

Alison September 4, 2006 at 3:33 pm

Anyone who can say “Fetus is an asshole,” about their own fetus is awesome. You rule.

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