Flipping it the bird as it pulls out of town.

by statia on August 24, 2006

It’s hard to believe that in less than a week, I’ll be out of the first trimester. How I got this far I have NO idea, but it baffles me. Believe me when I tell you that I’ll be punting the first trimester out the front door as I flip it off. Buh Bye!! This brings a whole bag of mixed emotions right now. I feel very much all over the place in regards to this whole thing. For one, there’s that whole guilt thing for my infertile bitches that has been beat to death. I’ll spare you that post. You get it, I get it. Let’s all hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

I don’t want to blog about the crappy parts of pregnancy (see above RE: guilt), and I don’t want to turn this into a pregnancy blog because I don’t really want to lump myself into one sort of genre. I mean, right now, I don’t have a hell of a lot to blog about because this pregnancy has consumed every last brain cell in my head, it’s all I know right now. But if I’m getting sick of talking about it, I know that chances are, most are getting sick of listening to it.

Going through infertility, there was a very large part of me that was frightened. Not of actually having a child, because believe me, even now I worry about the fetus dying, but I’m starting to settle down and picture us with a real live baby. It’s hard, but I’m trying. But what I was actually frightened of is being actually pregnant and not really liking it all that much. Again, we both wanted this so much, a piece of both of us, and we weren’t really in agreement on surrogacy. I wanted to experience pregnancy, but let’s face it, if you’ve been sick, you’re not exactly thrilled. And I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m being ungrateful.

Which leads me to trying to find other things to talk about because while I’m really good at complaining, I don’t really expect sympathy, nor do I want it. I just want to be able to feel how I want to without getting shit for it.

This is probably why I make a lot of off colored jokes.

{ 15 comments }

Krista August 24, 2006 at 2:20 pm

You should be free to say whatever the hell you want on this blog. Complain about this pregnancy every day for the next 6 months. Yeah, Yeah I know, you’ve heard it all before.

But I am infertile, I have been trying to get and stay pregnant for 4 years, and I don’t think you have one single tiny obligation to enjoy this pregnancy. How could you? With our experience, pregnancy is bound to be a very frightening and confusing stage.

Wendy August 24, 2006 at 2:23 pm

At first, I thought you said This is probably why I make a lot of colored jokes.

And, well, I was wondering why you were still calling people colored.

geeky August 24, 2006 at 4:49 pm

isn’t part of the fun of being pregnant being able to whine for 9 months and people aren’t allowed to tell you to shut up, because hello? do they have a person in their uterus? i didn’t think so.

geeky August 24, 2006 at 4:51 pm

ok, just realized my comment may come across as insensitive to infertile women. i didn’t mean it that way! i meant it in the “if they haven’t been there, done that, they can’t relate” way.

i’m just going to open mouth, insert foot now.

Dee Dee August 24, 2006 at 5:13 pm

This is your blog and you can talk about whatever you want. You are pregnant. That’s what’s going on in your life. You have every right to bitch about it, talk about it, laugh about it, be scared, happy, sad, whatever! Pregnancy is all consuming at times so write away…

I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and I never get tired about hearing pregnant stories and I’ve been pregnant twice.

Donna August 24, 2006 at 5:26 pm

“I just want to be able to feel how I want to without getting shit for it.” If anyone gives you shit for feeling how you feel, then they are shitty and you shouldn’t pay any attention to them. This is your shit and if you want to talk shit about your shit every live-long day until that kid comes scooting out, then you do that. OK?

Lisa August 24, 2006 at 5:46 pm

I’m so excited for you guys. I know how long you’ve waited for this to happen. I’m sure your “infertile bitches” (your words, hence the quotes) will understand that things have changed for you, but you’re still keeping your fingers and toes crossed for them.

Anyway, I’m always here for you, chica.

Except I’m close, but not close enough to visit this week. :p Stupid big state you have.

Minawolf August 25, 2006 at 6:05 am

Well, since nothing you say is taken personally by me, I only have one thing to say about this post…

I Well, since nothing you say is taken personally by me, I only have one thing to say about this post…

I <3 the off colored jokes :)

I don’t know how I would feel if I was infertile. But at this point your posts make me hug you and cheer you on.

Minawolf August 25, 2006 at 6:07 am

damnit, middle sentence got cut. I was trying to say…

I LOVE your off colored jokes!

Lenni August 25, 2006 at 6:51 am

What I’ve always liked most about your blog is that you’re so open and honest about what you’re going through. I don’t think you should stop now because you’re pregnant – thats all the more reason to tell us about it! I want to hear all the whining, so I can be prepared for what I’ll whine about someday.

Asha August 25, 2006 at 8:13 am

alright, well.. I’m one of those infertile bitches and I to tell you the truth, I have been kinda surprised that you haven’t been mentioning your pregnancy MORE often.

Personally, I want to hear about it and what you’re experiencing as a now-pregnant-but-previously-infertile-bitch. Sure, there are going to be readers that find it painful and if that’s the case, they should stop coming, or visit less frequently. The point is, it’s up to them.. not you, to deal with their (dis)comfort. Enjoying your pregnancy includes bitching about it as well. It doesn’t make you sound ungrateful.. it makes you sound NORMAL. Enjoy the feeling of “normalcy”, Statia (oh god, I can hear the foaming of some infertilie bitches shouting, “How dare you call be abnormal?!” I hope I don’t need to qualify this with an asterix and an explanation). You are part of the larger population that has managed to get pregnant (despite a long journey, yes), and that means that you get to start looking at yourself as a pregnant woman in the context of what it means to our larger society. If you want to continue to frame it within the context of infertility, it’s up to you. I think this is a huge area to be explored. At what point do you get to stop seeing yourself as infertile?

Faith August 25, 2006 at 11:08 am

I like hearing about it too, and I don’t even WANT a baby myself! It’s because I like hearing about what’s going on in your life, sista. THAT’S what I want to read. Right now, you’re prego, so I’ll love hearing about that. Before, it was the trying to get prego, and that was good too. I also like hearing about the sticker books, the menagerie of pets, the moves, the secret marriage, etc, etc…

I’m heading down this path myself, actually. Since getting engaged last weekend, I feel like EVERYTHING is suddenly about the wedding and the wedding plans, and I don’t want my blog to be all about that either.

Believe me, if I’m not interested in hearing it, I just try back the next day. :)

Tanya August 25, 2006 at 1:28 pm

It’s your blog, so say what you want. Venting is good.

Besides, how many of us are totally living vicariously thru you right now? (Ahem. Hopefully it’s not just me.) Bitch away! That’s half the experience of being pregnant.

Janet August 25, 2006 at 5:06 pm

Statia, I’m a first time commenter here. I love your blog and I’ve been rooting for you. I did the infertility thing for three sucky years and when my son was born I remember being filled with guilt over not loving every moment of it. A good friend of mine explained to me that feeling the normal ups and downs about it didn’t make me ungrateful. It helped me a lot to have the “permission” to experience it as it was, not as something I thought I should treasure every single minute.

coloratura August 27, 2006 at 2:17 pm

Sweetheart, it’s your pregnancy and your blog and you’re allowed to feel anything. I think you have a right to write anything you want too. Don’t get hung up on feeling guilty about any of us that have been ‘left behind.’ Life is hard, wear a helmet, ya know? You deserve happiness and that’s all that matters. Be sick. Be joyous. Be afraid. Just be. I am very happy for you and I can’t wait to see pictures. Everything is going to be fine. Take care, my dear.

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