Tales of the evil wand monkey “personal cleansing towelettes”

by statia on March 15, 2006

We had our follicle check today to see how my basketballs for ovaries are handling being pumped up. The determination is that it feels worse than it really is, because I’m wearing my fat pants and I don’t have a follicle over 10mm. This isn’t bad, and the doctor was pleased. We’ve got about 12-13 follicles that are actively working overtime right now. Based on his assesment, we’re looking at a Monday retrieval at the earliest, and a Wednesday retrieval at the latest. I’m pulling for Monday because fuck if my ovaries can take much more of this shit. But we’ll know more on Saturday when we go back in for another wanding

We arrived at our appointment early and the meester was all excited that he had a date with a cup and was going to get to punch his clown. He hears all of these tales about my infertile bitches’ husbands, about how they get to go into the porn room and leaf through their choice of porn, while their member projectile vomits into the goodness that is sterile plastic. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. Much to his excitement, Dr. Moustache’s “porn room” is that of a jungle theme with nice arm chairs (so I’m told) and your choice of Porn DVD’s. Alas, the meester’s date was cancelled today and rescheduled for Saturday. Knowing my husband and his love for his inner jackass, he’ll crank the volume way up on the tv so that the entire office can hear the fake orgasms. You think I’m kidding.

Also, today I noticed that my doctor started leaving out “moist personal cleansing cloths” on the exam table. First off, these things smelled like a guido and secondly, what exactly is he trying to tell me?


millie March 15, 2006 at 2:55 pm

Congrats on the good follies. Sounds like all is still going great.

I remember when my local clinc had to lock up the porn dvds. They said folks were stealing it.

Amy March 15, 2006 at 4:26 pm

Crotch rot!!!!! Tee hee.

Beth March 15, 2006 at 4:51 pm

Good luck to the meester. No, really. When my husband had to, as he calls it, number three in a cup, he was disappointed by the inferior quality of the porn. Or maybe that’s just what he told me.

suzie March 15, 2006 at 7:27 pm

wow, monday! so soon and i am so rooting for you, the eggs and the swimmers. you have no idea how much i am hoping this for you.

robyn March 15, 2006 at 10:28 pm

Jungle love. Oh ee oh ee oh.

Good luck!

Mrs. T March 16, 2006 at 5:21 am

Wow, moving right along. Sounds like it was good news. Love the smooth sailing so far (besides the basketball ovaries of course). Hoping, hoping, hoping for you.

When my husband had to give a sample a few weeks ago for his analysis, he said all the room he was in had was a swimsuit calendar. They could have made it a little more “suitable”. The jungle room sounds fun though. ha ha ha

geeky March 16, 2006 at 8:04 am

just checkin’ in and wanted to wish you the best of luck for monday!

PaintingChef March 16, 2006 at 8:45 am

Sounds like its all going well so far! I’m so gald to hear it!

Ornery March 16, 2006 at 2:08 pm

How come I’m not surprised that an RE with a stache that big is willing to go all out for a jungle-themed porn room?

Man, I’d kill for some moist cleansing cloths during my wandings! Sometimes, I feel an urgent need for a last minute wipe, but all they’ve got lying around are those scratchy, generic paper towels.

The Old Blue Truck March 16, 2006 at 3:30 pm

NOW I get it Statia…
This must be the high-tech you were talking about! Jungle themed masturbatorium? You guys have it too easy!

Beth March 16, 2006 at 6:50 pm

This one is just to make you laugh Statia. Last cycle, being the first round I had ever done injectibles, I mentioned to Himself on the way to a wanding – remind me to stop on the way home and pick up some alcohol swabs. Off we go in for the ride on the stirrups. When we get back to the car, Himself is wearing this very smug expression as he informs me that we don’t need to stop for alcohol swabs, he says he snagged some at REACH. He reaches in his pocket…and out comes a pile of…you guessed it, moist personal cleansing cloths. So much for alcohol swabs. Moron. Things are looking good for you.

Camille March 16, 2006 at 8:11 pm

Oh my gosh! Seriously. You constantlyl get a laugh out of me over here….”these things smelled like a guido…”

I’m glad to hear things are going so well!

Dana March 16, 2006 at 10:20 pm

I just spit soda all over my monitor…you are too damn funny.

Monday? Wow…!!

Chris March 17, 2006 at 10:36 am

Where I went? No good porn room. There was a fake leather sofa and a ripped up copy of Maxim. Perhaps I’m just hard to please.

Linda March 19, 2006 at 12:34 am

Oh I should warn you that Dr. Z’s selection of porn is, how to say, lacking? He only has a VCR and the remote has sketchy batteries..so the meester might want to bring in something that “works for him”, and a spare set of batteries. :-)

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