Mood swing free since…… the last time I had PMS

by statia on March 8, 2006

Day 2 of the lupron and I’m not feeling too bad. I feel exhausted, but otherwise all limbs are intact and I haven’t killed anyone… yet. Tomorrow I start the big guns. The stims. I can’t wait to feel like someone shoved my ovaries into a skin tight pair of size 0 leather pants.

The five pound bag of gummy bears was the stupidest fucking idea we’ve ever had.

It’s weird, you’d think taking a step this big towards having children would make us giddy, excited. Instead I feel very… ambivalent. Maybe this is a good thing, but I feel guilty about it. This is such an emotionally taxing process on a person and a couple. This isn’t something I haven’t been through before, I know the ropes. But I feel as if we should have more emotion towards it, instead of just eh. I feel like this is my project and I hate that feeling. Like, maybe we should have gotten another puppy or something. And it’s not as if I feel hopeless, or hopeful. Maybe I wasted all of my excitement on getting here. I blew the load early.

{ 11 comments }

M@ March 8, 2006 at 8:11 pm

I could just be a subconscious defense mechanism to keep you from getting your hopes up. Less emotion, less disappointment.

But it’s going to work, so you will just be that much happier then. :)

Dooneybug March 8, 2006 at 8:50 pm

I couldn’t get my pinky toe into the leg of a pair of size 0 pants.

Don’t be too concerned about those feelings. I’m sure it’s completely normal. Besides, you’ll probably change your mood a million times during this process! Wishing you as many kill-free days as possible…

md March 8, 2006 at 9:56 pm

Ha, ha, ha. . . You made the right choice NOT getting a new puppy.

Your feelings (or lack of) are normal. And, in the long run, are better for you and your odds of success, I think. Imagine, if you were super deliriously hopeful or hopeless, you would just be a ball of crazy emotion. Chilling and letting what will happen, happen is the best thing. I hate to say it but it’s the dreaded “relax” thing. . . OH!

md March 8, 2006 at 9:57 pm

Ha, ha, ha. . . You made the right choice NOT getting a new puppy.

Your feelings (or lack of) are normal. And, in the long run, are better for you and your odds of success, I think. Imagine, if you were super deliriously hopeful or hopeless, you would just be a ball of crazy emotion. Chilling and letting what will happen, happen is the best thing. I hate to say it but it’s the dreaded “relax” thing. . . OH!

donna March 9, 2006 at 4:42 am

Yeah, I agree that you are probably just trying to keep from getting your hopes up. You have plenty of excitement, you just don’t want to expend it prematurely.

Mary Scarlet March 9, 2006 at 5:49 am

Good luck with the stims. The lack of enthusiasm is completely understandable given the grind of injections and monitoring and the tense waits. By the way, very impressively organized stash!

Jenn March 9, 2006 at 6:42 am

I think the ambivalence is totally normal. I wasn’t all that excited at the start of my IVF cycle too. It’s so draining I think it’s just hard to work up excitement about jabbing yourself full of needles.

Stephanie March 9, 2006 at 6:44 am

gummy bears, yum. in college we would soak them in vodka, more yum. just an idea….but i am not sure if you can drink during an IVF cycle. so ignorant am i.

and your feelings are normal. we all try and protect ourselves. it’s that or an anxiety attack…

Ornery March 9, 2006 at 9:23 am

But think how nice your ovary’s ass will look in those leather pants.

I think I agree with the others who say that your ambivalence is a way to protect yourself in case things don’t work out. I actually think it’s better to feel this way than to be overly excited and jabbering on about how AWESOME IVF is, and that you’re convinced this is the magic bullet that will give you tons and tons of babies. If you became one of those people, I’d have to kill you.

Chris March 9, 2006 at 9:38 am

Good luck. Fingers crossed (mine, not yours…you’ve got enough on your mind).

Linda March 9, 2006 at 3:09 pm

I felt kind of similar during my cycle. “J” suggested I was even pessimistic…but I agree with others here that it’s likely a defensive mechanism.

Get someone to hide those gummy bears!

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