My ass might feel a little wider, but the scale is congratulating me.

by statia on January 3, 2006

My body is calling me a whore right now. Actually, it’s more like a torrets fit of obscenties (WHOREBITCHCOCKSUCKERBALLWHACKER). Somehow, even though I ate just about anything that wasn’t nailed down while on vacation, I managed to come out even stevens.

Yes yes, the Christmas cookies were forgiving. I think it’s my reward for a shitty year. You can all hate me now.

Now that I’m back on my regular eating schedule my body is screaming like a filthy whore who was passed up for the classier hooker up the street. “BITCH WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY M&M’S? WHERE’S MY PIZZA, AND THE FROSTING AND THE CHOCOLATE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN!!! You can’t just go and deprive me like this cold turkey.” It has a point. So when I went home for lunch, I had a handful of M&M’s. Shut up, like you can resist the M&M’s.

Me and the M&M’s have a hot date tonight (because I came out even on the scale, means that I can extra M&M’s tonight, right?). And by hot date, I mean I will test my abilities to see exactly how many M&M’s I can fit in my mouth at once. Bets anyone? I’m suffering from PMS, so wager accordingly.

Besides the even steven reasoning, I think we’ve finally made a decision on an RE for our IVF path. After talking with many of the fabulous women at the cronefest last month, we’ve decided to go with who I’ll refer to from here on out as Dr. Miracleworker, because he’s got such a fabulous reputation in so many aspects here in the Bay area that I’d be stupid to not meet him. Our consult is on the 8th of February, or earlier if they have a cancellation (provided I ship my paperwork off ASAP, which hello? All ready to go), so we’ll see where we stand after that.

I’m looking forward to being reunited with the dildo cam.


Rob January 3, 2006 at 4:08 pm

Dildo cam? Eww… that’s just gross. Also, if we are to wager about the M&M’s thing I think you need to specify plain or peanut.

Dooneybug January 3, 2006 at 4:18 pm

(in your best sexy 80′s voice)

“Reunited and it feels so goooooood…..”
:) Just kiddin’.

I wish you the best of luck getting in to the RE earlier and big sucess for 2006!!

Manuela January 3, 2006 at 4:20 pm

Dildocam…. gross??? Surely Rob is a newbie to the world of the infertile… the dildocam isn’t gross… it’s an old friend… that familiar happy place you go to when you’re wondering how your ovaries are treating you lately. Oh… right… he doesn’t have ovaries.

statia January 3, 2006 at 4:31 pm

It’s like a dildo, but without the fun side effects. haha.

Jenn January 3, 2006 at 4:47 pm

Definately need to know if it’s the plain M&Ms or the peanut before we can guess. Plain I’d say at least 30. Peanut, maybe 20?

Erin January 3, 2006 at 6:28 pm

M & M’s. Oh my god. I’m afraid to keep them in my house.

martha January 4, 2006 at 5:23 am

I’m guessing it’s plain M&Ms and I’m going for 34

donna January 4, 2006 at 6:11 am

Ah, the dildocam. I think I am having a meaningful relationship with it.

fran3000 January 4, 2006 at 8:22 am

in another life, i was a dildocam….it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be tho…

seriously tho, good luck with the RE….

Deltus January 4, 2006 at 12:56 pm

Plain: 36. Peanut, 24. And is the dildocam anything like the asscam?

April January 4, 2006 at 3:06 pm

No candy in our house period. My ass would be plotting world domination if it had free reign to chocolate.

suzie January 4, 2006 at 6:55 pm

everyone is just pathetically underestimating you, my dear one. i’m betting at LEAST 51 m&m’s. you are woman, hear you roar.

robyn January 4, 2006 at 9:00 pm

My former dildo cam operator could only be described as a she-male with a mullet. Oh what fun it was to make her acquaintance at 7:30 a.m. twice a week. At least she heated the lube first.

Keep me posted. I’m crossing my legs for you!

Helen January 5, 2006 at 8:10 am

“It’s like a dildo, but without the fun side effects. haha.”

If you’re not getting the side effects, they’re doing it wrong!

thalia January 5, 2006 at 3:26 pm

Oh how seriously do I hate you on the weight front. You suck.

Hoping Dr miracleworker does what he says on the tin.

Susan January 8, 2006 at 4:03 pm

Here via K’s blog…
Know next to nothing about dildo cams, but with the area of M&M’s I am a legendary veteran…especially if they are peanut or almond M&M’s.

During PMS time…I can wolf down the biggest bag of them suckers in minutes! Try taking my M&M’s and your likely to pull back a stub!

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