I want his eyes and my hands.

by statia on January 28, 2006

There’s been a huge buzz about adoption in the infertile blogging community this week. Which basically started because of one person’s view on adoption. Because there are people that love to hide by the anonymity that is the internet, assholishness ensued and there were people that took offense (albeit, some went off on a different path, but I digress).

I’ve read this entry four or five times. What I didn’t see, was the offensive part. What I saw was someone who was brutally honest, with herself. Could I see how someone could take offense? Sure. But why people had to start trolling over it, well, should I really answer that given that I’ve been blogging far too long to know that people simply cannot resist keeping their mouths shut when they hide behind an IP? Yeah, probably not.

This whole thing has me sort of uneased on many levels. Because you have this group of adopters, who are a fiercely protective group of people. Protective of their choice. This is completely warranted. Just as warranted as a choice of going through infertility treatments, or living child free. We all have our reasons, and our reasons are personal. And when people say things that may be misconstrued as an attack on our choice and therefore on our character, we get offended. Duh, right?

My uneasiness falls in that, should our efforts of pursuing IVF fail, we have chosen to live child free. Because adoption isn’t for us. This is our choice. This is what we as a couple have deemed as right for us. We’ve made our peace with the fact that there’s a possibility that two attempts at IVF may not yield a child or children for us. Will it hurt if it doesn’t work in the end? Of course, but we’re prepared for that. There was a commenter in one of Julie’s following posts that hit the nail on the head for me:

I’M not afraid to step on any toes (or maybe grind them underneath a size-ten Doc Marten), so here’s an issue which hasn’t really been addressed in the comments: adoption is one of several options for people facing infertility. That does NOT mean, however, that infertile women/couples are obligated to adopt. Babies in need of loving homes are a problem facing a whole society, not just those unable to concieve without assistance… yet it seems that people try to foist the entire issue on the conscience of the IF community. And this leads to people feeling guilty for simply NOT WANTING to adopt. I’m in awe of those who choose to adopt; the adopted children I’ve known have more often that not had wonderful upbringings. But you know what? I don’t want to. I just don’t. And no one else should have to feel guilty or ashamed for sharing that view, working procreative bits or not.

That’s it. Right there. That’s what has been bothering me the whole time. There’s this feeling of walking around on eggshells with people who are adopting. Be it domestic or foreign. Does my lack of desire to adopt should IVF not work mean that I’m less of a person? Does the fact that I don’t feel comfortable with having a non biological child mean that I don’t really want a child that badly, or that I’m attempting to have a baby for the wrong reasons? Not in my mind. We want children badly. What we want is a piece of each of us, not two pieces of two other people. I don’t want to feel guilty for saying (in a way more tactful manner, mind you) to someone adopting: “I could never do that.” Because I don’t poo poo someone else’s choice. I highly respect them for it. And not in the “oh, you’re a better person than I am because you can take care of someone that isn’t biological to you” sort of way either. I respect them because I know that they came to that decision for an extremely personal reason. Just as it’s not my business to ask why they’re adopting, it’s no one else’s business to ask why we’re not.

And should this not work out, am I ok with just owning dogs and dressing them up in insanely expensive sweaters? Absofuckinglutely.


Kris January 29, 2006 at 11:04 am

I have to say, I’ve been thinking a lot about this since the infamous post… I wasn’t sure how I felt. Personally, I would love to adopt, but the hubby wouldn’t. I guess what’s bothered me all week is that so many people are passing judgement on this issue. I can’t say what we would do- but I can say that it’s for nobody to decide but us- and it’s for nobody else to judge. Just my 2 cents…

jen January 29, 2006 at 1:31 pm

You know, every time some asshole opens their pie hole, I hate humanity a little more. I am amazed at how close minded people are. I am amazed at how people feel that if they believe that something should be this way, then that way is wrong and you are somehow a lesser person because of it.

Fuck them all man. I have no tolerance anymore for these people anymore…


jen January 29, 2006 at 1:32 pm

See? I get so mad I forget how to speak. lol

Donna January 29, 2006 at 1:52 pm

This is the main pitfall of blogging, you open yourself up to assholiness. Like Kris said, no matter what we decide for ourselves on ANY topic, the fact that I am putting that decision out there in cyberspace is not a call for you to trample all over it. It is a privilege for you to even know how I feel about something. (Not talking about YOU, Statia, just the univeral You.) People have asked us, why didn’t you do IVF? Not only is it none of your damn business, but it was the best decision for US. Assholes.

thalia January 29, 2006 at 4:06 pm

Great post statia. You are so right to make this decision for yourself. Only you know what’s right for you and Mr Statia.

donna January 29, 2006 at 4:55 pm

It is a fine line, this blogging thing. On the one hand, we are sharing and getting support and feedback from a group of people. On the other hand, that opens us up to asshattery at its finest. I don’t know why people can’t live by the rule of not saying anything if you don’t have anything nice to say.

On the adoption thing, I agree with you, Statia, that it seems to fall to us infertile people to take care of the children that need adopting. I don’t know how we feel about it deep down. I haven’t let myself explore that yet, because I’m not finished trying to have one of my own. I wouldn’t want to go into adoption as a consolation, but as something I was ecstatic to be doing.

Jenn January 29, 2006 at 5:04 pm

Well said.

Dana January 29, 2006 at 6:24 pm

Very well said. Pushing adoption on anyone fits in the same category as pushing religion of someone. What works for you may not work for someone else. And that’s okay. To each her own.

robyn January 30, 2006 at 4:28 am

You know that’s the route we would have ultimately chosen to take. Key word in that…chosen. This line is SO well-written: “Babies in need of loving homes are a problem facing a whole society, not just those unable to concieve without assistance…”

Sylvie January 30, 2006 at 7:32 am

I think how a person decides to parent is his or her personal choice that should be respected. I personally decided not to go through fertility treatments and I dont feel like I am better because I chose to adopt, it was just not for me personally, BUT I would never say to someone who went through fertility treatments, “I could never do that” If asked I would say I chose not to do that, but even if unintentional, when you say something like “I could never do that” it just comes off the wrong way.
For some mother’s their desire is different, does it mean they are better mothers or more motherly? NO! Absolutly not! I realized that my desire to be a mother was greater than my desire to be pregnant or have a child have my genes. I in no way think that makes me better than anyone. And your desire to be pregnant and have a child look like you should not be frowned upon by self rightous adoptive parents. All adoptive parents are not self rightous.

NetChick January 30, 2006 at 11:49 am

First time here, Statia…

I have to say, good on ya for allowing yourself to make a choice, and not letting other’s opinions (everyone’s got one) make you feel like you’ve made a bad choice.

It’s *your* life, afterall!

As a sidenote, I am adopted, and living childless on purpose (and at 35, I’m not so sure I’ll have children) — Thankfully, people understand (read: mostly family who didn’t before I firmly told them not to expect any further family members from my end).

I’ll be back! Thanks for being so open and honest on your blog. I’m sure you are helping many others by sharing your own adventures here.

Manuela January 30, 2006 at 11:54 am

Darlin’… you KNOW that you and I are on the exact same page about this.

There’s another take on this that I’ve been thinking about as the result of a troll that popped up in response to my last post… It’s also almost expected that infertiles SHOULD love ALLL children everywhere or else you’re just not worthy of a child.

Umm… WHY??? Some kids are assholes… what does that have to do with me being infertile… NUTHIN!

SJW January 30, 2006 at 12:22 pm

This post is a case-in-point for me. Blogging helped me realize that I don’t much care what other people think about what I do or why. And I’m much happier now that I’m not waiting in anticipation for their less-than-genuine feedback. There’s a message in there for you somewhere.

Amyesq January 30, 2006 at 3:43 pm

Amen, Statia. I am not sure when the law was passed that mandates all infertiles *must* take home a starving orphan (you know I’m kidding) and that if you don’t, you are clearly unworthy to feel sad about your infertility. It galls me to no end how people think you have some kind of obligation to adopt just b/c you are infertile. Your choice is your choice.

It is funny because, believe it or not, it doesn’t actually end with the decision to adopt. Now that we have made that decision we get “Well what’s wrong with American, or Russion, or Guatemalan, or older, or disabled, children?” People never *&^%*(% learn.

Merrin April 4, 2006 at 3:21 pm

How did I miss this the first time around?

Mindy March 13, 2007 at 10:38 am

You know what… I do respect your decision… And i’m soooo happy… Because if you feel you can’t love a child who isn’t your biologically then you really should not adopt!

But if you want “a piece of each of you” then maybe it’s not a child you are looking for… because they may not be like you or your husband at all… children are all unique and special

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