wrapping those presents like dirty old phesants

by statia on December 5, 2005

I’m an anal retentive wrapper. Not to be confused with rapper. Because if you couldn’t tell from my title, I’d make a shitty rapper and doesn’t the world have enough shitty white rappers? I wrapped some presents this weekend, because most of our presents are of the fisher price variety and I really don’t want to look at them for the next week as a constant reminder of the fact that EVERY FUCKING WOMAN ON EARTH IS PREGNANT (and they need to be shipped anyway). If I hear of one more celebrity pregnancy, or just another pregnancy of someone I know (my infertile bitchez not included of course), I’m going to rip my uterus out and throw it out onto 101 north right at the 92 interchange. Then I’ll run off screaming maniacally into the night while my colon flaps in the breeze.

I mean shit, even my “girlfriend” is pregnant now. WTF? I can’t watch SVU if they’re not going to have her sitting behind a desk instead of being all hot like while fighting crime, now can I?

Our tree is now up with lots of BALLS. It was way more effortless than it was last year. There wasn’t even any fighting while putting it in the stand!! Isn’t it sparkly?

Also? I think G-man is secretly starting to like Miss M. They were playing like two dogs on crack while making the most annoying noise in the world. He totally loved it. I on the other hand, was being drivien seriously insane, making me question my patience in dealing with “STOP TOUCHING ME!! MOM! SHE WON’T STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!”

But my presents? They are wrapped and they look fucking fantastic, thanks to my anal retentive rapping….. err wrapping.

P.S. Who in their right mind thinks it’s ok to solicit door to door at 9PM at night?!?


Donna December 5, 2005 at 11:09 pm

Oh no, not another over 40 celebrity pregnancy, I can’t take it!

Pamela December 6, 2005 at 12:29 am

Remember “Home Alone” when Joe Peschi’s character “canvassed the neighborhood”?
Beware of solicitors taking notes… LOL

geeky December 6, 2005 at 7:00 am

i’m totally anal about wrapping too. and i’m marrying a man who can’t wrap for shit, so he usually doesn’t even bother. i’m dooming myself to a life of poorly wrapped gifts… *sigh*

Molly December 6, 2005 at 7:18 am

I know! Enough with the fucking celebrity pregnancies! I just read that my celebrity girlfriend, Rachel Weisz, is also pregnant. Wanted to cry.

Rob December 6, 2005 at 8:34 am

I was just all kinds of distraught when I found out Jennifer Garner was not only pregnant but marrying that assclown Affleck. Had hoped she had better tastes than that… like… err… me! :)

SJW December 6, 2005 at 9:34 am

EVERY woman is pregnant? Why didn’t someone tell me!That explains the holiday weight gain….

Did anyone think to notice that ALL the A-list movie & TV stars happen to be about the same age (30-something), so if not now for them, then when? In ten years, they will all be getting plastic surgery, and in twenty years, they’ll all be joining the Red Hat brigade.

Deltus December 6, 2005 at 12:45 pm

Presents should be wrapped with prescision. Nothing homelier on Christmas Day than a shittily-wrapped gift. Take the time to do it right, people!

fran3000 December 7, 2005 at 8:52 am

can’t everyone just skip the presents this year? that’s stress i don’t need man…seriously….i think i am going to lose it and do gift cards instead…..bah!

Gina December 7, 2005 at 1:15 pm

I am so with you on the every woman is pregnant. If I knew then what I know now I would have saved a lot of money on birth control.

suzie December 7, 2005 at 6:57 pm

i’m a bad rapper AND wrapper. i’m a lame gift bagger. it’s very tragic. when you guys move back to PA will you teach me the wrapping secrets? i’ll paint your dogs toenails in trade….

Lisa December 8, 2005 at 6:23 am

Nice tree. :) I haven’t done anything for the holidays yet. Nothing!

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