I’d rather dread her arrival, than not give a shit either way.

by statia on December 16, 2005

It’s less than ten days before Christmas. Our shopping has been pretty much done for the last few weeks, with the exception of a couple of gift cards. The tree has been up for a week or two. It’s still alive and looks like it’ll stay that way until at least the new year. My presents are all wrapped and ready to go. It just doesn’t feel like Christmas. It just feels…. blah. Lackluster. Ambivalent. I’m excited for the Meester and his presents and the dogs and their presents, but it’s just so trying this year. It seems like the holiday season went by in such a blur that I barely had time to enjoy it. I don’t know that I wanted to enjoy it. There was no holiday magic this year. No giddy present shaking. I feel as if this year kicked our asses so hard that I’m not in the mood to celebrate. Barrels were coming at us faster than Donkey Kong. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to be thankful for, I do, but there’s everything that we lost this year too, and that just breaks my heart. It’s affected me more this holiday than I ever thought it would. I feel as if I’ve become the sad dog lady who compensates by wrapping up presents for the dogs.

Right now I feel as if we’re in limbo with no answers as to what the next step is. I’m sick of being in limbo. This whole year has been one giant game of limbo and I’m just not that flexible to constantly bend backwards.

Then there’s the whole family aspect of the holidays. While I have a great family on the meester’s side who have completely made me feel accepted and loved, deep down you never get over the fact that you couldn’t live up to your parents skewed and fucked up expectations. No matter how hard you try. Even though deep down in your heart you know that they don’t want to see grey, just black and white and you see things in color and you feel healthy about it, it still hurts to know that you’re the red headed step child. Now matter how well I’ve turned out. I’ve ceased to exist in their world because they’ve refused to accept responsibility on their part. I’m fine with it 99% of the time. I think to still have that 1% makes me human.

There just doesn’t seem to be much cause for celebration this year.

{ 7 comments }

Merrin December 16, 2005 at 4:38 pm

Shut up. I wrap presents for my dogs, even the one that’s the red headed step child. Besides, I’d rather be with my husband and my dogs than my family any day….it just took me 10 years to realize it.

Lisa December 16, 2005 at 8:27 pm

Considering how much I’ve just spent at the vet, it’s good I was feeling meh about the holidays and didn’t shop much.

I hope you guys can get out of California soon. :( Lub you.

suzie December 16, 2005 at 9:21 pm

i’m sorry that you are feeling down. as you already know, i have a present for my dog under the tree too (a gazillion greenies, which MUST mean i love the smelly thing, because the give him LETHAL AWFUL KILLER farts), but i ALSO have an ornament WITH HIS PICTURE IN IT. which is possibly scarier than wrappping presents for the cats, hmmm?

my christmas wish this year will be that your next holiday season is everything you hope and dream of.

Donna December 16, 2005 at 9:57 pm

I’m sorry, but the limbo is definitely not a Christmas dance. And it should not be done for extended periods of time. Having gotten myself out of limbo and finding that Just Giving Up also sucks big sweaty donkey balls, I’m afraid I am no help. And what’s this holiday magic of which you speak?

robyn December 16, 2005 at 11:40 pm

God we’re horrible parents — we have never bought Claire a single Christmas present in her 9 1/2 years of life. Maybe that explains so much about this expression

Seriously though, I’m thinking of you. And hoping spring and renewal and all that crap gets here before you know it.

Pamela December 17, 2005 at 4:27 pm

Making the first move does not concede to fault.
It will lighten your burden.
It’s hard to throw yourself in that kind of abyss, but it may be worth it.
Never give up on that 1%.

geeky December 19, 2005 at 7:47 am

if anything, you can celebrate that this shitty year is finally over, and that next year will likely be better :)

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