My car is possessed and smarter than me.

by statia on November 8, 2005

Purchasing Vulva has been a whole new driving experience. Naturally, it handles completely different than the land barge (a.k.a the expedition). I can honestly say that I love driving it because I’m still somewhat in an SUV, but it handles like a car. I haven’t really driven a car in a long time.

Purchasing a “luxury car”, means that I have all of these fucking buttons and I have no idea what most of them do. My dashboard control panel puts an instrument control panel on a 757 to shame. Half of them I’m afraid to push because what if it’s one of those buttons that’s listed in the manual as “DON’T EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PUSH THIS BUTTON!!” The one that screams push me. The one that if you push it, you car might implode or it might rain asbestos throughout the entire car, riddling you with an instantaneous case of lung cancer.

My windshield wipers? Yeah, I need to be a fuckin’ idiot savant or mensa to figure them out, for they are a completely mystery to me. Most windshield wipers have the intermittent varieties first, followed by the low and high full time wiper settings. Oh no, not mine. Not only are vulva’s wipers all over the map with the settings, but apparently they work in conjunction with my smart windshield and will go when they feel rain. Maybe slow, but then all of a sudden, they do a line of coke and even though it’s not really raining that hard, will start going full. speed. All of the settings seem the same, but they change so that I can’t quite figure them out. Like a woman who loves to remain a mystery to men by constantly changing her personality. Vulva’s wipers are in fact, schizophrenic.

Along with my foreign to me control panel, I have the nifty do-dads like my average mpg, average speed, and how many miles I have left before I need to fill up. It also in that same box, has a message center, and so far, not only is Vulva, possessed and smarter than me, but she apparently doesn’t ever call to talk, because I have no new messages.

My car thinks I’m an idiot loser that probably laughs at me on a daily basis.


Rob November 8, 2005 at 1:53 pm

I double dog dare you to leave her parked near a place where a bunch of birds are flying… until she comes to appreciate everything her new owner does for her! :)

jen November 8, 2005 at 3:18 pm

‘Vulva’s wipers are in fact, schizophrenic.’

I cannot be the only one to find this sentence fucking hilarious….

Amy November 8, 2005 at 6:05 pm

Dude! I totally didn’t know your blog was public again. Weeeee! This makes me very happy…. going to go read and catch up.

Camille November 8, 2005 at 6:20 pm

That is hilarious! “…all of a sudden, they do a line of coke…”

Dooneybug November 8, 2005 at 7:35 pm

I love that you call it ‘Vulva’. Question is, does our husband call it that too?

Tricia November 9, 2005 at 6:52 am

Hahahaha, schizophrenic wipers. I can totally see you spazzing out behind the wheel while trying to get your wipers to work.
Can we get a picture of the control pannel… with labels of what the shit does? Heh

Deltus November 9, 2005 at 11:24 am

When the car starts conversing with me, a la Knight Rider, is the day I get myself a good bicycle. No way am I taking any shit from my car.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: