I can knit with my ass. Can you? (a.k.a. random bullshit tried to be made funny)

by statia on November 14, 2005

The quote of the night: “I got the ass bleed off of your underwear.”

Yeah, you read that right. Thanks to Effexor, I feel great, except for the fact that my regularity took off from the very beginning. When I do go, I’m essentially shitting petrified turds.

This is not boding well for my hole. The hole does not like pooping rocks, so it retaliates by giving me the roids and then my ass bleeds (this is also known as my asshole flipping me off for causing regularity to leave). This is more than I ever wanted to share and surely more than you ever wanted to know, but I’m a sharer. Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers taught me that sharing is nice.

I could have told you that the ass bleed was as a result of me shoving a knitting needle up my ass, but it wasn’t. Because I didn’t shove a knitting needle up my ass, I sat on it, causing it to break. My knitting career was coming along so swimmingly too. I was actually kinda liking it a tiny bit.

(note to self: metal knitting needles might be a better idea, just don’t leave them in between the sofa cushions because you’ll surely do some internal damage if you sit on those)

On the Miss M bell front, Pavlov was a genius. Once again, I have yet another one of the smartest dogs on the planet. Yesterdays training session with “the bell” had her ringing the bell all on her own san salivation, which is always a plus. My evil plan is coming along swimmingly.

{ 4 comments }

Ms. Pants November 14, 2005 at 10:49 am

I’m telling you, dude. Taco Bell.

Camille November 14, 2005 at 6:03 pm

Your sharing makes me laugh. Thanks for sharing!

Jenn November 14, 2005 at 6:18 pm

If Taco Bell doesn’t work, try Denny’s. Works for me everytime.

Pete November 15, 2005 at 4:16 am

Wrong. The quote of the day was “Well, God didn’t invent paper bags just for carrying groceries, you know.”

And I have to agree with Teh Pants. Toxic Smell does the job for me every single time.

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