Pink Elephants on Parade

by statia on September 21, 2004

I’ve always had the luck of having shitty upstairs neighbors. I’ve always tried to make a concerted effort to be quiet when living above someone. For the last few years, I’ve been pretty lucky.

Yeah, that’s changed.

Right now, living upstairs is the world’s skinniest couple™. For being the worlds skinniest couple, they make enough noise to make me believe that they really have a herd of wildebeest living in their place. 6am, 11pm, it doesn’t matter. I’ve come to hate these people. For one, the woman is a snooty British bitch, who made a snide comment to my dog about being the “one who makes all that noise.” Yes, my dog barks, but so does yours you English whore. Sunday night, I finally had enough. It was 11:30, we were all settled in bed for the night, and I can hear them running back and forth. In my heyday, I became really good at hucking things up at the ceiling, you know, because of my shitty upstairs neighbor history. I took a DVD case and did the most beautiful underhand toss at the ceiling. The noise stopped immediately, but they really must not be elephants, because elephants never forget, and last night, at 11:30, you guessed it, Boston Marathon training session, right above my head.


Deltus September 21, 2004 at 8:02 am

Next time, you go upstairs and punch that limey bitch in the nose. It always worked in Looney Tunes cartoons, anyway.

buddha September 21, 2004 at 8:28 am

I’d go upstairs and kick both of them british tea drinkers in the f’ing taint.

That’s just me.

Wendy September 21, 2004 at 8:32 am

I used to be the noisy upstairs neighbor. Not intentionally, though, just when walking from my bedroom to my kitchen. It must have sounded like *I* was training for the Boston Marathon.

But our downstairs neighbors, who we never did see despite trying to spy on them from our deck above theirs, used to bang on the ceiling with a broom. We dubbed them The Banger Sisters.

itsy September 21, 2004 at 8:49 am

Guh! We had those neighbors except they also had yelling and shouting matches. It was ridiculous. Screaming at 3am and slamming doors. I’d be so embarassed. Though I’d never do that anyways. I say you write them a note!

Ms. Pants September 21, 2004 at 9:41 am

Broom handle works best.

I’m just saying.

fleecey September 21, 2004 at 10:26 am

‘you english whore’. HAHAHA!!
i’ve been lucky to have never had upstairs neighbours, but my friends had a bunch of raver kids living upstairs all summer. loud techno music 24/7. i would have kicked their collective ass after the first day.

Princess September 21, 2004 at 1:22 pm

Yeah, I can relate. We have Russian Guy Whose Vacuum Sounds Like a Weedwacker on Those Wooden Floors living above us… and above him are Strange Asian Couple That Hammers Things into the Building Structure at Odd Hours.

That Limey bitch’s real issue is that she’s skinny.

jay September 21, 2004 at 1:41 pm

Her sister must live above me then. She just moved in and she can’t weight 100lbs soaking wet but stops around like a 500lb Gorilla testing luggage. Plus there is all sorts of tribal music going on to, maybe she’s doing a rain dance? One of these days she’s gonna push me too far and I’m going to have to sit down at my drum kit at 2am and do a big rock star solo.

Southern Chaos September 21, 2004 at 5:24 pm

I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’ve lived on the bottom floor for 2 1/2 years now. I’ve gone through super skinny chick that liked to scream while having sex, all while the headboard was banging against the wall of our bedroom from upstairs (imagine when I called the office to tell them about that one). They also sounded like they body slammed each other daily, and I could actually hear her chopping vegtables in the kitchen. Now we have neighbors that constantly move their furniture while blasting rap music with mucho bass. Gotta love neighbors.

martha September 22, 2004 at 6:00 am

the missus and I once had loud loud music blaring late at night and went up and knocked on the door. No answer but the music stopped. We’re pretty sure it was sex music.

cursingmama September 22, 2004 at 7:50 am

While building our house we had to live in an apartment for 9 months. This came after 7+ years in a blissfully quiet house and we weren’t really prepared. I know I saw the neighbors looking at me thinking “there’s that crazy lady that screams swear words” and I know they looked at my kids and thought “those are the kids that play dodge ball in their apartment”. But really I couldn’t believe how noisy everybody else was, particularly the upstairs neighbors who:
Showered every night at 11:30
Vacuumed every single night right before the shower, Showered every morning at 4:30, liked the Bill O’Riley show enough to turn it up so we could all hear it, and performed some type of gymnastics on a regular basis.

Faith September 22, 2004 at 10:42 am

I. HATE. Upstairs neighbors!

Hate is a mild way of putting it, really. And not a single person I’ve ever lived below has gotten away without at least a note from me. In one case, they actually received an eviction notice due to their evil, Satan-spawned, noise-making asses. Even my earplugs couldn’t keep the sound of them out enough so that I could sleep through the night.

Yes…hate is a mild way of putting it, indeed.

debutaunt September 22, 2004 at 1:58 pm

The guy above me used to wake me up at least 3 times a night – vacumning, dishwasher, laundry & stomping.

Dickhead actually worked in a freaking sleep clinic.

Recently we’ve had the loud (and methinks kinky) sex freaks above us. Thank God they are fast.

Ms. Pants September 22, 2004 at 2:38 pm

See, now, this is why I like living on the first floor. I’m sure I walk like an elephant because my ass is about as big. And I am little, so I have short girl walk, which means I take twice as many steps and that tends to make them much more BAMBAMBAM than liltliltlilt..

Oh, and I hate stairs, because they hate me. I have fallen both down AND up various sets of stairs. I’ve eaten shit in my house, which has “stair.” One. Faceplant. Shit eaten. Fuckin’ stair.

So gimme a bottom floor and a long broom handle to knock the shit out of the ceiling any day.

geeky September 26, 2004 at 2:38 pm

dude, my neighbors do that too. they’re two skinny little college bitches, but they sound like 300lb sumo wrestlers. of course, it doesn’t help that one of them seems to live in heels 24 hours a day. and don’t even get me started on their fucking dog.

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