Like a fart in church

by statia on June 5, 2004

Against my better judgement, I dropped the bomb on my parents today, and told them that I was moving. Now, those who know me, know that I’d have been happy as a clam to move and not tell them about it. Just go on my merry way. My parents and I rarely talk, and quite frankly, I’m ok with this. But I was given advice by a few people, to just kind of give them a heads up. Really, it went better than I could have ever imagined. I know that she regrets not being there at the exact moment I dropped the bomb on my mother. I think I heard her jaw hit the floor. It made it that much sweeter. My father, on the other hand, is as happy as a clam to be in the ignorance is bliss category. I don’t think he was phased either way. They both want to sweep the past under the rug, and I’m not a sweep it under the rug type of person, I’m too much of a neat freak.

I know this sounds bitchy, but my mother was visibly more upset about it, and I was secretly glad. I feel sort of vindicated. Not because I intentionally want to hurt my parents. But because maybe now she’ll understand that I’m not going to back down after the hurt they had caused me by many things. I haven’t in the last 2½ years, and I don’t intend to now. Ericalynn wrote an awesome entry on forgiving and forgetting, and the difference between the two. I could forgive them, for what they did, but they need to not forget what they did, which is exactly what they’re doing, and living a “beautifully naive life”, is what their outcome is. I’m open to forgiveness, but it’s on my terms.

As I walked out the door, my mother gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, “you know, I do love you.” To which I replied: “yeah, ma, I don’t know what to tell you.”

I can’t lie to her and tell her that I feel the same way. I feel betrayed, and hurt, and untrusting of them. Again, anything that happens now, is on my terms. If she has regrets, that’s not my problem. I on the other hand, have no regrets at all.

{ 7 comments }

Zuly June 5, 2004 at 2:16 pm

I don’t want to sound all matronly or whatever, but I am so *proud* of you for following your dreams, not getting stuck in the past or allowing that hurt to fester. It’s all too rare a thing, you know… and now whenever I hear California on my iTunes, I’ll think of you and how you’re embracing your future.

(PS, one of my best friends moved to San Diego last fall to follow her dreams and leave some painful stuff behind — it was the best move she ever made.)

Love ya!

JustAgirl June 5, 2004 at 11:11 pm

Good luck!

Deltus June 6, 2004 at 12:39 am

I’ve asked myself before, “What is it that Statia’s parents did?” I used the search feature on your blog, and found it.

*jaw drops to floor*

What… WHAT were they THINKING?!?!?! Inviting him on vacation???

Dude (if I can call you dude), that is so far beyond my understanding of parents, I just don’t know what to say, other than the fact that you have any contact with them whatsoever is an exercise in restraint.

Lisa June 6, 2004 at 2:30 pm

Since I really think that our moms are twins, I’m proud of you for telling her. I never know what to say to my mom when she says “you know, I do love you” (because she says it the same way).

Princess June 6, 2004 at 8:14 pm

I am so proud of you for sticking to the moral high ground with your folks.

Now if only I could kick this horrible temptation I have to fly out there and knock some sense into ‘em.

*hugs*

robyn June 7, 2004 at 12:09 am

A fresh start with no regrets — the best kind of all. I’m so happy to know you’re going to be SO happy!

itsy June 10, 2004 at 8:48 am

Oh geez. My mom concludes a argument with, “I love you, you know” to make it all better. Usually I roll my eyes or answer with a “well you have a funny way of showing it”.

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