The wicked lies we tell to keep us safe from the pain

by statia on August 10, 2003

If there’s one thing that I will never profess to be, it’s perfect. I’ve had a lot of fuck ups in my life. I’m sure that there will be more. I’ve done stupid things, as we all have. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am. I’ve worked hard to become the person that I’ve become. I’ve worked hard to get over lots of issues, that quite frankly, I’m not even over. I’ve got battles that I will be dealing with my whole life, but I’ve worked hard to overcome tough times past. I’ve been dealing with bi polar since I was about 12. I’ve had some rough times. I’ve sought help. I’ve come to many crossroads in my life, but I’ve become a stronger person for the stuff that I have overcome. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not. I’m me, nothing less, nothing more.

We’ve all said things that we regret, and about a month ago, I went to my cousin’s wedding and had to see my family. I mentioned my brother and how I hadn’t seen him in about 2 years and made some observations and had written some things that apparently they had read. I had forgotten that I had given the url to my sister in law. You know, I don’t have anything to hide. I’m not out there slamming them left and right. If you don’t like it, you really don’t have to read. If I offended you, well, then, I guess I’ve offended you. I stand by what I said, because I emote, and feel, and sometimes, I hurt like everyone else. Could I have written that in a private journal? Sure, I could have. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one out there who goes through this stuff. It wasn’t an intention in slamming anyone. It was an observation. This is me, just being me. This blog is me. Going back and re reading it. I don’t think it was something that was totally obnoxious. It was me, feeling tired, worn and hurt at failed attempts. I can’t do it anymore. Life is too short to constantly battle this, and you know what, maybe sometimes the truth hurts.

When I come to the end of my life. I’ll be happy to know that I was loved by great friends and that I’ll have had the opportunity to have loved them back. It’s been my friends thus far that know me, and love me for who I am.

{ 14 comments }

Dania August 10, 2003 at 1:25 am

wait what? I’m perfect!..okay i’m totally not.

And I still love you for being retarded =)

tricia August 10, 2003 at 1:43 am

GREAT post.

natalie August 10, 2003 at 2:31 am

That must have been hard to write/feel, but having gone through it myself I know how empowering/cleansing it can be.

Let them be offended – if they can’t get over it then it’s their problem. You hit the nail on the head, that sometimes the truth hurts.

Iki August 10, 2003 at 7:37 am

Well done.

Rob August 10, 2003 at 9:11 am

Ditto tricia, “Great Post.” Your comment on my site a few weeks ago on a similar topic really helped me move on. I hope that anyone who “finds” your site manages to realize that blogging is all about living in the present and that includes all of the feelings and frustrations du jour. Just keep being you, because that’s what keeps everyone coming here anyway, and because that’s the only policy worth living by.

Lisa-grrl August 10, 2003 at 1:04 pm

Great post. You’re an incredible person and I can’t wait to meet you in October.

robyn August 10, 2003 at 1:34 pm

You already know that my mother and I didn’t speak for weeks over things I wrote at Christmas. Like you’ve said, the truth hurts. But she finally sat down and at least tried to see how things appeared from my end in the last few weeks, and things have been a lot different since. At least for the time being.

Show me the family that gets along all the time… You can’t. And perhaps the thing that hurts most is seeing their lack of effort in print. Once the shock wears off, hopefully they can come to the same realizations as well.

I love ya’, babe. You ARE just like a sister to me!

jim August 10, 2003 at 1:44 pm

if it is the truth..it can’t be wrong. However:

This medium is really wierd..you can get out some of your feelings, thoughts, and emotions, but you ask the reader to take what you give them and “finish it”..and thus, you rely on them to “know” it was just a bad day for you..or just sarcasm..or just a fleeting thought, etc…and understand the context from which you are speaking.

It is your blog – yes ..but the reader is free to interpret things their own way too, and there in lies the rub.

peace love and laughter :)

sphinxy August 10, 2003 at 2:44 pm

There are some things in this life that we cannot control and those things are sometimes the things that hurt us the most. I admire your resiliance. There are people who love you and those are the ones worth hanging on to. *smooch*

Jonathan August 11, 2003 at 12:29 am

You must be a very strong person, not just to deal with those issues, but to deal with them and not stick your head in the sand/evade as the way to deal with them. It’s not easy to face things like that head on, few do it, but whether someone does tells you a lot about their character. There’s a reason people, myself included, enjoy reading your blog… you’re real – and in a world of mass superficiality, it’s like a breath of fresh air.

mel August 11, 2003 at 11:53 am

A family that gets along ALL the time is a family that does not communicate or see each other ;) It just doesn’t happen *hugs*

ericalynn August 11, 2003 at 12:21 pm

well, obviously you know that I feel very similarly to you with this whole family stuff… and all I have to say is keep being strong and sticking to your gut feelings… don’t let people bring you down, and you know I’m here to comiserate with any time you need!

Paul August 11, 2003 at 1:38 pm

Dont ever regret anything… and you did nothing wrong.

Veshka August 12, 2003 at 9:43 am

That means that they’ve read it, and they’ve either contacted you, or someone else, in regards to their dislike for the truth. So, you can always look at it from the angle that you’ve actually got the hermits out of their shell.

Either way, Jim’s right… Print media is a horrible conveyer of emotions. So, those who think that no one cares, that post, which if you ask me, sounds perfectly fine and matter-of-fact on something I have to contend with both family and friends, would just be proof that everyone hates them… Why? Cause not too many people take what has been written about them at face value. *Sigh*

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